“Is The Pope Catholic?” “Uhh… I Dunno, Are You Too Stupid Think Of A Better Rhetorical Question?”

(The answer is “yes”. If you use this poor example of sarcasm, I probably hate you.)

I just got back from my first religion class in 3 years, and I already creeped out my professor by asking him some questions after class. I was just trying to ask about the assignments and if we get extra credit for going to church, but things took a turn because I got nervous and started rambling and I think I said something offensive.

He looked at me like he was worried I’d follow him to his car and murder him. This is exactly why I shouldn’t be allowed to talk to other human beings.

Anyway, I started thinking about my own religion (if you don’t know this already, I’m a Catholic) and how it has shaped my life and pretty much my entire personality.

So today I’m here to talk about this really fun thing called “Catholic Guilt”.

And trust me folks, it’s not just some urban legend designed to justify why most of us are self-loathing and make for good television characters (i.e. Jack Donaghy on “30 Rock”).

"There is a crushing guilt that comes with being a Catholic. Whether things are good or bad, or you are simply eating tacos in the park, there is always the crushing guilt."
“There is a crushing guilt that comes with being a Catholic. Whether things are good or bad, or you are simply eating tacos in the park, there is always the crushing guilt.”

Always. I cannot stress enough how serious this is. Especially when your parents are 2 extremely “devout” hard-core Catholics who like to tell you how much of a sinner you are, even though they are terrible people themselves. It’s not their fault, though. They also have the guilt, they’re just more asshole-ish about it.

My dad sent me an email the other day (man I wish I kept all of them because they’re all so hilarious and mean) that basically said I’m shitty and will most likely go to Hell. I’ve included bits of it here (excluding the super racist parts, though, as well as correcting spelling and grammar) so you can see what I’m talking about:

“It is the story of where the “arrogant ___” defied God’s direction (except Caleb) and he became so angry, none of their generation was permitted to see the promised land…and even Moses was punished (because he allowed them to send spies rather than simply taking direction).
If you do not honor your mother and your father you shall surely die…
If you will not learn to control what goes into your mouth [I laughed out loud here] and what comes out of your mouth you will not be able to control anything.
If the only man to ever talk to God “face to face” can be punished, so can you….
32 But for all this, you did not trust the LORD your God, 33 who goes before you on your way, to seek out a place for you to encamp, in fire by night and cloud by day, to show you the way in which you should go‘…
36 except Caleb the son of Jephunneh; he shall see it, and to him and to his sons I will give the land on which he has set foot, because he has followed the LORD fully. 37 The LORD was angry with me also on your account, saying, “Not even you shall enter there. 38 Joshua the son of Nun, who stands before you, he shall enter there; encourage him, for he will cause Israel to inherit it”‘…
I will not help you defy the Lord so that I will be punished…
You will do what is right even if ‘you don’t want to be told what to do’ (in your arrogance) or you will be a true ‘orphan’. [What a dick.]
I have reached the end of my tolerance.”

My dad uses a lot of ellipses. Maybe that’s where I get it…

So now you kind of can see where I’m coming from. It’s great because this isn’t even a good example of how real things get. In all honesty, I have no clue why he’s mad. I probably didn’t answer the phone when my mom called…?

"Tisk, tisk."
“Tisk, tisk.”

Despite the fact that I’m not sure what I did wrong, I still feel bad. Sometimes I feel like I understand those Japanese people who kill themselves when they get a “B” on a test. I do in fact have many short-comings, but I try to ignore them and pretend I’m awesome. That’s where the Catholic guilt comes into play: a constant reminder that you’re not as great as you think you are.

(Even as I’m typing this, I really want some whiskey. But the liquor store is closed and now I feel guilty because I’m bugging [my boyfriend] to take me to the bar. He’s getting annoyed and sighing a lot. Lame.)

Oh well. Only 9 more hours until the liquor store opens. :)

Peeping Pope

Peace be with all y’all.

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White Girls Be Like

Hey there, I'm Alanna. I can't give you my last name for legal reasons, but you probably won't pronounce it right anyway. This is a blog about various occurrences in my life and also some of my thoughts and feelings about things, otherwise known as "what white girls be like". It's true. We be like... "Cats, Lana del Rey, Coors Light, and Twitter". If you disagree, please comment and tell me to shut up. Otherwise, enjoy! :)

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