(There are thirsty people in Africa… Talk about selfish.)
Okay, so I drink Natty Ice (or “Natural Ice” if you prefer), and yes… sometimes it does taste like liquid piss and/or shit. But not always. Sometimes it just tastes like poisoned water.
(These are the moments you cherish.)
I have chosen this particular beer in life for one very simple reason: the beer store ONE BLOCK AWAY FROM MY HOUSE sells an 18-pack of 16oz cans for only $11!!!!! How could anyone pass up that kind of deal? It even tells you on the box how many that adds up to in regular cans so you don’t have to do any math!! (Very nice touch, by the way.) Plus, Natty Ice has a 5.9% alcohol content.
Regardless, this is the type of purchases one must make in college when one only has one dollar in one’s bank account. Unless you’re the type of person who only drinks occasionally or can get drunk off of like 4 beers (which, by the way, I don’t believe you people are human beings, no offense), buying cheap beer is important. You need to use your hard-earned money for other things. Like textbooks, rent, or crack cocaine. (Not that last one, though. Unless you’re into that.)
But then my asshole friends come over and they’re all like, “Ew, no thanks. I’ll just go buy a $40 case of Angry Orchard” (or some such nonsense). On one hand, I’m happy that I don’t have to share my beer. But on the other, I’m kind of insulted. Like… how are you a 21-year-old earning minimum wage AND a beer snob? Granted, I’m not friends with any hipsters, but they might as well be with the shit they drink. I mean, I guess that’s cool if you wanna try out all those fancy beers, but please don’t insult my Pabst Blue Ribbon. Seriously. People do this. And I honestly believe it’s because they don’t understand life yet.
Maybe they don’t remember the days of sitting in the liquor store parking lot, pooling everyone’s change for a $15 case of Extra Gold, which would cost $20 because the over-21 person would always beat you. Maybe they forget passing around $7 bottles of Vlad or pawning their Wii to get liquor money for vacation. Maybe this type of thing only happened to people like me and my friends. But it made us who we are. And we’re better(ish) for it.
So what’s your drink? Do you spend zillions on fancy beer, or pretend the piss water isn’t so bad after all?