Guess Who’s Back… Hint: It’s Not Slim Shady.

(It’s me! But you probably realize that by now if you’re reading this. Excellent deductive skills, amigos.)

After a brief hiatus caused by sickness, a lack of medication that I need to be a functioning human, and general laziness, I am once again flooding the internets with lols, crazy, and the usual overdose of nonsense. It’s only been like 2 weeks, but it feels like 2 and a half. I’ve missed you all. Have you missed me?

I’ll just assume you’re nodding at your computer screen thinking, “Yes, Alanna. I’ve missed you terribly. Never leave again.”

Well, have no fear. I’m finally back from buying cigarettes and I’m here to stay. (Unless I get sick again. Or just get busy.) But if you really wanna blame someone (other than the people who come to school sick… jerks), blame the person I talked about in my last post. That’s why I didn’t have any medicine for the past 2 weeks. Without that shit, I’m not an actual person.

(More like a very irritable and sweaty sloth… maybe. I don’t know what sloths do.)

Regardless, my time away gave me the opportunity to lie in bed and watch LOTS OF TELEVISION. Like, wayyy too much. I watched the entirety of “Pretty Little Liars” and it gave me some serious perspective. For instance, never hang out with men you don’t know very well by yourself. Even if they pretend to be your friend and say they’re cousins with your dead ex-girlfriend. Or if they’re your sister’s husband and they’ve been recording you and your underage friends for years without your knowledge. Or even if they’re your own boyfriend and you know them really well. You just never know. One minute, you’re making out in their cabin, next you’re running through the forest after finding out they’ve written a manuscript all about you and your friends and the murder of your other friend.

Basically, the moral of that show is that no one is to be trusted and everyone you know is probably trying to kill you. (Even your dad.) Also, you might be a murderer because you took too much Adderall. You just never know

No one on this show seems to care about statutory rape...
No one on this show seems to care about statutory rape…

If you don’t already know about this show, don’t discount it as just another dumb teenage drama. (I just realized this post is an excellent example of what “White Girls Be Like”. It’s like when someone says the title of the movie during the movie. Yayy!! Haha.) It’s actually really good, but also is a veritable minefield of lessons for young women. Like not trusting anyone. And if you get an anonymous text from “A”, you’re probably going to die. It’s also a good lesson for men: if you even think there’s a bit of drama in a girl’s life, RUN THE OTHER WAY because her whole life is madness. 

In fact, watching this show for the zillionth time made me think about how I probably love it so much because I also attract craziness and trouble into my life. (Not like murder and stalkers, but drama nonetheless.) It’s like Bell Biv Devoe’s “Poison”. And it makes me feel kinda bad for the people in my life. For example, last week was absolute madness because I did something bad and my mom came through and acted all crazy to my friends and my boyfriend broke up with me for like a day and everybody was all out of sorts for a while just because of something I did. I realize that particular scenario was my own fault, but still. It’s not totally easy being around me. Bad things happen a lot. That’s why I wish that I could just be honest with my teachers (if they’d even care) about what happens in my world and why I can’t always be counted on to be a good student.

Exactly.
Exactly.

The only drawback to a power-marathon of this show is the sudden onset of high-level paranoid thinking. The kind of thinking where I assume the old lady in line at the grocery store is secretly listening in on my conversation so she can send a team of seniors to break into my home. I’ve been thinking that everyone in my life is ultimately out to destroy me and I have some advice to others plagued like myself:

1. If someone talks a bunch of shit on someone else in front of you, they probably talk shit on you.

2. Some people are just pretending to be blind.

3. No one ever wore a black hoodie, black pants, and black gloves planning on doing something good. Be wary of such an outfit.

4. People can be super manipulative, so don’t tell your secrets to anyone because they probably want to blackmail you.

5. Always check your room for cameras, microphones, or any other surveillance equipment. Someone might be listening.

6. Text signatures are stupid and trite. Just say, “Hey, it’s ____. New number.” Or something like that.

7. If you ever get an anonymous text trying to blackmail you, throw away your phone and just move to another place. It’s not worth 5 seasons of trying to avoid being murdered.

Because one day you’ll realize that everyone you trust conspired to murder your best friend and you’ll be like…

pretty-little-liars-shock-funny-lol

All in all, I’m just trying to prevent you from heartbreak. Because I love you all. <3

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White Girls Be Like

Hey there, I'm Alanna. I can't give you my last name for legal reasons, but you probably won't pronounce it right anyway. This is a blog about various occurrences in my life and also some of my thoughts and feelings about things, otherwise known as "what white girls be like". It's true. We be like... "Cats, Lana del Rey, Coors Light, and Twitter". If you disagree, please comment and tell me to shut up. Otherwise, enjoy! :)

15 thoughts on “Guess Who’s Back… Hint: It’s Not Slim Shady.”

    1. Exactly. It’s like, “Oh, hey there Michael Myers. You trying to slash and dash? That’s too bad. I’m a wealth of evasion knowledge. Peace out.” And then you can run away laughing.

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    1. Hahaha SAME!! My boyfriend just thinks it’s Melissa and he won’t give up on that theory, but I’m always like Hello? That “A” flash mob in New York probably means that everyone they know is in on it. There’s not even that many characters in the show lol

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  1. I can’t believe you just said Bel Biv Devoe “Poison”!! The black girls at my school taught me to dance to that song during recess when I was ten years old. I guess they were allowed to bring a little boom box and play it at school – kids probably wouldn’t be allowed to do that today, would they? IDK

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahaha I don’t know if they could, I haven’t been in middle school since 2007 but I used to practice that dance at home (never really mastered it). It’s one of my all-time favorite songs though :)

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