(That’s from “Archer” but it rings true here as well. Thank God for Russians. And tomato juice.)
Ahh yess… I am quite the lucky one. I’ve been given the glorious task of contributing pictures of my ex boyfriend for his birthday party/girlfriend’s baby shower. And because of my blessed Catholic guilt, I agreed to do it. So as I sit here, cropping myself out of memories and chugging bloody mary’s, I have to wonder…
Is there such a thing as “too much” vodka?
I’ve concluded there is not, although I know this in my heart to be false. However, I’m unsure if I currently have a heart because there is nothing inside me but alcohol and numbness. (Also tomato juice, which is giving me a bit of heartburn.)
I’ve created a fun new drinking game out of this pain and loneliness: take a drink whenever I start to cry.
(At present, I am plastered.)
Do you guys remember that game (and/or “horror-fest”) that you played as children when you’d go into the bathroom at midnight and say “Bloody Mary” 3 times in the mirror? Well even though she doesn’t appear and slaughter you (spoiler alert), you will see a crazed redheaded woman screaming with makeup running down her face.
At least that’s what I see.
Despite the fact that I was always more of a Queen Elizabeth fan, I’m starting to understand Mary Tudor’s methods. (Not killing Protestants. I just mean the whole “burning people” thing.) She was just pissed, that’s all. Her lovely mother was replaced by a trashy ho named Anne Boleyn and she wasn’t about to let her shitty hypocrite father stomp all over her beliefs. “Defender of the Faith”, my ass! Thinks he’s a goddamn prophet…
Anyways, people should quit giving her a raft of shit because I’d probably do the same thing if my father tossed my mom out and tried to disown me…
…oh, wait! He totally did! (The latter part at least.)
Also, thank you very much to my ex and his family for giving me the task of providing you with pictures that I TOOK.
So fuck them and fuck everybody and have a nice day. Also check out this post from Thought Catalog that reminded me of my post from a couple weeks ago. God bless and peace out and whatever else people say. I’m getting too drunk to see the keyboard.
UPDATE NOVEMBER 13th, 2014:
I totally emailed her the pictures and said something like, “Here’s the pictures, congratulations on everything! Wishing you all the best! *smiley face* ” and guess what the fuck she said in her response email…
“Thank you for the pictures. Your being really nice about this whole baby thing I know it’s hard because you still have feelings for zach but we are about to start a family and you gotta understand where I’m coming from when I ask you to stop contacting him.”
Ignoring all the grammar and spelling mistakes, I’m sitting here like WHAT IN THE ABSOLUTE FUCK?!?! I don’t even contact him, HE contacts ME and I don’t want to be a part of their shitty little family!!!
(As though I’d leave my current fantastic boyfriend and get together with my ex so he can be a giant anchor shackled to my foot forever pulling me deeper and deeper into the water until I’m drowning in regret and clutching onto his child who calls me “Aunt Alanna”.)
Absolutely not! Ridiculous…
So I responded with this:
“Of course, I totally respect that and I wish you both the best. I won’t contact Zach anymore and I’m truly sorry if I’ve offended you in any way. That was never my intention. I really do wish you both happiness and I’m glad that I could help with the pictures. I promise you won’t be hearing from me anymore lol :)”
BECAUSE THAT IS WHO THE FUCK I AM, PEOPLE. THAT IS WHO. I. AM.!!!!!!!!!
*drops mic*
White Girls Be Like... 
Bloody Mary STILL terrifies me! I refuse to look in a mirror in a darkened room. There is no amount of money that could induce me to say her name 3x. *shiver*
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I feel you on that but I’ve tried it a bunch and it doesn’t work :/
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Also, you should say no to this photo contribution thing. Don’t hurt yourself because your asshole ex-boyhood knocked up some inconsiderate girl. They should not put you in the position that you are right now. Screw them!
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Lol, I’m fine. I was glad to ged rid of them so I don’t have to see his face on my computer
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Woh. Boyhood —> boyfriend. My bad. Is this enough comments on one post?
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There’s no such thing as too many comments!! Hahaha Keep going! :P
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You have poetic license to really screw with the photos. Maybe hang a pecker out with some snazzy photoshop work. Be creative. You can really ruin two lives if you try hard and believe in yourself.
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Ah but there’s the rub! I’d technically be ruining 3 lives considering this is also a celebration for the baby and as far as I know, the little bundle of cells hasn’t done anything to hurt me yet. My conscience simply won’t allow me to be a dick
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Sounds like assuming you are ruining any of the lives is tenuous anyway. Pour on the hater aid. You can always say you were drunk. That is the whole reason we drink, to abdicate responsibility to a bottle. I bet a red head on bloody mary is interesting.
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Haha indeed, and a Catholic no less! But when mother Mary comes to me (and by that I mean cocktails), she speaks words of wisdom like, “Alanna. Don’t be an asshole to your ex, especially considering the fact that you dumped him for someone better.” And “Thy vision may be blurry but thy heart must keep it real, East Siiide!” I’d personally love to bathe these fools in hater-ade but there’s a very large and convincing part of me that just hopes they make it so they’re kid doesn’t end up like me. Godblessankeep’em
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Wow that sucks. Pretty much tells you why they are an ex.
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Indeed
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I’m apparently related to Bloody Mary! Which may explain why I can be a little bat shit crazy sometimes. Personally, I would have told them that I “burned all those photos…sawrray.”
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THAT’S SO AWESOME!!!! I’m now just excited to be talking to am heir. Should we be calling you “majesty”, because I might start. That is so boss, your majesty. Lol that’s fun!
…. your majesty *curtseying*
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You are obviously a much better person than I. I don’t know if I would have had it in me to edit myself out of old photos. But good for you for thinking of the baby first. Life is hard enough as it is; it’s even harder with shitty parents. You rock Alanna!
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Thank you very much, I try to make the moral high road if possible. Although I’ll have to now put an update on this post because my attempt at being civil got me a virtual middle finger from the girlfriend. lol. And you rock as well, Gina! :)
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I would like to put my invisible hat down… you are bigger person than me. And then say… WTF?! No no…. NO. You do not crop yourself from your old pics for ex’s bf new baby mama never!! The Christian guilt is strong but cropping is greater sin!!
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Haha I thank you. But on the bright side, not all of the pictures of me were good so it’s kind of a win somehow? lol
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Don’t pour sugar over it, it’s sour. It’s sour. ;)
I am just kidding do not take me seriously – which I am sure you can not with my new avatar.
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Hahaha that’s a good line. But your picture is lovely, my dear, I really like the color scheme by the way. I’ve been meaning to fix my avatar but I need to get photoshop first lol
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Thank you, I am a bit ashamed to admit, but I used paint for some some. I have no photoshop on the laptop and I am handed over to online editors. I need to learn photoshop I know that but…but… I have paint? No? ok
I had the old one for so long (not that long, a year and so, since opening my blog)
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Haha yes, paint is the best and always will be. I used to make fake email addresses to download the free trial of Adobe light room though lol
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Hahaha, that’s actually a good idea. But, I really need to learn it. I mean, I can deal with Picasa but there is some stuff I need to go to online editors and I’m lazy.
btw how did you find the terms? Mine has pretty funny ones but almost 1000 unknown. I bet there’re gems in that pile
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A mix of Google Analytics and Google Webmaster Tools. You can find how to connect with that on the wordpress support thingy
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That sounds so complicated and I know it’s not. I will look it up… Tnx :)
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Damn, you are freaking NICE. When someone* is a complete dickhead like that to me, I write a long raging critical mean email back. And then I delete it without sending it. Wait an entire day at least until I’ve cooled off. THEN I write a non-sarcastic sweet caring response back. So I can be nice, too, but it takes me a lot of time.
*my MIL
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Totally. I gave the response I really wanted to anyone who would listen including my Sudanese neighbor who doesn’t speak much English
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I hope you taught your neighbor some new words by doing that. ;)
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Oh, hello there, It’s like 530am and I’ve not yet slept and due to random Twitter “follows” I followed back and was semi-lead to your blog.
I’m Jak. Hi hi.
The Good:
You most definitely have a heart, despite the numbness and loneliness. Otherwise you wouldn’t have been able to suffer the heartburn…
The Bad:
Putting yourself willingly through that process. Especially allowing the ex to keep contacting you. You were definitely mature and took the higher road in your response, but I’ve read some comments and you play it all off as being okay which may result in…
The Ugly:
You left the douchecanoe for someone worlds better, but describe being numb and lonely and crying throughout most of the process. I guess the events could be very recent, but then if that were the case, moving along to someone else before all the emotions and issues have been processed/let go, I dunno… something in that recipe may lead to disaster!
Sorry, I’m usually not very serious about 95% of the time (I swear), so I hope my heartburn joke made up for it :) Here’s to moving on and keeping strong!
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Hello Jak. That was extremely perceptive and correct. During the comments, I wasn’t totally smashed so things looked a little different, but you’re right: my strong and carefree facade is easily torn down by vodka. (This is exactly why the Russians have never lost a war on their own land.)
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I find it very telling that this woman demanded you not contact your ex anymore, when clearly he’s the one doing the contacting. She is taking the obvious insecurity she feels in her relationship out on you.
My husband and his ex have a good relationship and trade emails on occasion, and my ex and I are best friends and we talk all the time. None of us have a problem with it because we are all secure adults who have nothing to hide. I give this relationship six months before your ex starts making drunken midnight phone calls to you. Stand by for that.
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Exactly that’s how a genuine trusting relationship is supposed to be! If I can have a normal supportive platonic relationship with an ex, it just proves that there’s no more romantic feelings there and everybody can just move on. But as far as the drunken midnight phone calls, they already were happening for like a year and a half before I blocked my ex’s number from my phone. Maybe this relationship can’t be platonic but it doesn’t have to be a cause for jealousy.
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You handled the situation in the best way possible. I would have sent her box full of bees labeled: shake vigorously before opening. You’re obviously a better person.
BTW: I noticed that she didn’t capitalize Zach’s name. Interesting.
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I know, her grammar and spelling in that email made me cringe. I’m studying to be an English teacher and it just made me sad for humanity. But as far as the bees go, I think doing that to a pregnant girl guarantees you a spot in Hell hahaha
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Your (on purpose) so amazing that it hurts me! ALANNA!!! Stop being dope and cool and awesome and making up new drinking games and defending Mary Tudor. I just can’t take it anymore. I’m going to tweet about the batshit awesomeness of this post to the ENTIRE world.
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Myy girlllllll I LOVE YOU <3 <3 <3
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