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The Great Purge: Me, Reagan, And Magic Mushrooms

(DISCLAIMER: there’s a lot of bodily functions in this story so if you’re easily grossed-out or offended by drug-use, then please stop reading right now. This post is not for you.)

This time of year always brings out the nostalgia in me. The good and bad times, the laughs, the sadness, the uncontrollable vomiting, and the realization that I’ve peed myself as an adult way more times than I EVER did as a child. Like, too many times. (I should probably look into that.)

Anyways, I’m not usually one to stop people from doing drugs.

(Depending on what they are. I’m not a monster, people. I’m not all like, “Hey, you should definitely do that heroin! I’m sure that needle is perfectly safe to use. These guys are pro’s!” Or all, “Meth is probably awesome! Look how much money they make on ‘Breaking Bad’! And most of them seem to have all their teeth still.” So settle down.)

But in this case, I’m saying outright: NEVER EVER EVER DO MUSHROOMS. Just don’t. Ignore Nike and their “Just Do It” mentality. Tell your friends to hop off your jock and that they’re idiots because this is one particular hallucinogen that’s simply not worth it.

I know some of you are sitting here thinking, “I was always fine and love mushrooms so FUCK OFF, ALANNA. I DIDN’T ASK FOR YOUR OPINION.” But to you I say, “I’M NOT GONNA FUCK OFF, I’M GONNA TELL MY STORY AND I DON’T CARE IF YOU DISAGREE. THIS IS MY BLOG. HOW ABOUT YOU FUCK OFF?!”

(No offense. You know I love you guys. But shut up for like 2 seconds and hear me out, K?)

So anyways, I was already drunk on Four Loko’s and awake for almost 24 hours when my friend came over with mushrooms. I wasn’t even trying to do them, but he never let me down before in this vein so after enough, “Just try a little,” I gave in. I’ve done a bunch of acid, I thought. This won’t even be a thing.

“Whatever,” I grabbed the nasty-looking stems and things and shoved them all in my mouth.

This is what they look like. DIRT. And guess what they taste like... DIRT. And shit.

This is what they look like. DIRT. And guess what they taste like…
DIRT. And shit.

I usually don’t gag, but I immediately regretted ingesting this particular fungus.

(It’s poison, by the way. In case you didn’t know. These mushrooms are LITERALLY poison.)

So after chasing them down with some Turkey Hill mango juice, I lied down on my couch. Then I started to feel nauseous. Normally, my stomach is hard as Jason Statham and nothing (mostly) makes me sick. After a while, though, I couldn’t deny it. The room looked weird and my mouth felt heavy. (That’s the only way I can explain it. Hallucinogenic-users probably understand.)

“Excuse me, everyone,” I said to Alessandro and my friend, trying to hold my shit together. “I have to go throw up now.”

I glided elegantly to the bathroom and proceeded to barf my brains out. I barely ate anything that day, so this was a super-fun experience. The odd thing though was that I could not stop. My body was like, “WTF DUDE, WHAT DID YOU EAT?!?!” And I could only be like, “My bee. Blaggghhh.”

I literally was throwing up so hard that I peed myself right where I was on the floor in front of the toilet. (But not only once, my friends. Multiple times.) At least I could laugh. I called Alessandro in, “Be careful. Don’t step in the piss. Blaaghhh.” He came in the bathroom and I had to laugh. Laughing made me barf more. Barfing made me piss myself more.

(I was wearing a really nice pair of pants, too. So sad…)

“I’m Lizzing. Blaghhh.”

Once I had someone to talk to, I managed to throw out some jokes in between bouts of vomit and piss. “This is exactly what Reagan was talking about,” I said, spitting out pieces of stupid fucking mushrooms. “This up-is-down, down-is-left America we live in blaaghhh…”

I might be the only person that can say magic mushrooms brought out my true Republican.

There I was, sitting in vomit and piss, spouting Reagan-era ideology, thinking about how in all my 21 years on the planet had culminated in this.

“Alanna, get up and get in the tub,” Alessandro tried to encourage me.

“No. This is what I deserve. I’m just gonna lie here in my own filth.” (But to be totally honest, I couldn’t get up if I tried.) “I should have listened to my parents and Nancy Reagan.”

The jersey is right: "Just Say No."

The jersey is right: “Just Say No.”

“I’ve let my country down.”

After some incredibly in-depth commentary on society and today’s drug culture, Alessandro was able to help me get into the tub. This was my where I was at this moment in time: a drugged-out fool sitting in a bathtub and making a ton of jokes about Reagan that I don’t remember as my boyfriend sat in the corner, cracking the fuck up.

“This is the low-point of my life.”

And it totally was. So after I cleaned myself up and got dressed, I came out to my living room and scolded my friend for disappointing the Reagans and America as a whole. Everybody was laughing but my message was clear: this shit was not the American Dream. This was a bad dream about America. I went out on my balcony and yelled into the sky as I shook my fist, “I WILL AVENGE YOU, REAGAN!!!!”

And spent the rest of the night feeling like absolute shit. Then, the other night, my other friend was like, “It’s a whole different experience when you take enough that you almost like leave your body.”

“Well, last time, everything INSIDE my body decided to ‘leave my body’.”

I’ll never do that shit again. And it’s all thanks to my incredibly horrifying trip and possibly Ronald Reagan speaking to me from the grave.

Ronald Reagan

He gets it. Don’t do drugs, kids. It’s not worth it. (Or just do acid. It’s much better.)

Also, check out my interview later today on Opticynicism. It’ll be pretty dope.

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20 thoughts on “The Great Purge: Me, Reagan, And Magic Mushrooms

  1. I’ve had such great experiences taking mushrooms, lots of times. I think they should always be done outdoors where one can commune with nature. And mixing with alcohol is definitely a bad idea, too. Alcohol is also a poison. Anyway, my point is that mushrooms are the bomb-diggity and its too bad you didn’t have a good trip. But there are plenty of other good things in life to experience. It’s not the kind of thing I think Everyone needs to do. I’m certainly glad I did, though.

    Liked by 1 person

      • I took mushrooms in Amsterdam one time, with some girlfriends, and when we tried to get back to our hotel, we couldn’t find it. We spent hours walking in circles as morning got closer and closer and after about three hours we finally found it. It was pretty fun and completely hilarious. And that’s just one of my good memories of eating shrooms. I’ve done them more times than I can count. :D

        Liked by 1 person

  2. This experience sounds truly awful and I’m so sorry you went through that. But I have to give you major brownie points for even finding a relation to this and to Reagan. Very impressed my dear.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lol thank you very much :) I have no idea why, but my entire experience on mushrooms was Regan-centric and confusingly Republican. I’m not usually too political but my subconscious is apparently very conservative and appreciative of Reagan-era policies and economics. I remember talking a lot about capitalism as our only means for survival lol

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  3. Living myself in a country where the Socialist have ruled most of the time it has been a democracy which would be since 1975, before that we had a very cool little dictator a fascist one named Franco, so we got to a democracy and the socialist started governing…..well I see from first hand what the policies of the left have done to my country. I call it a parasite society, where everyone has the mentality of looking up to the government for handouts and to solve their problems, so I don´t need mushrooms then ! I´m a Reagan conservative without mushrooms, although I did do quite a bit of acid at a younger age, maybe that is the reason of my political views, LSD. We should make our own political party, maybe even become the President of the World.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I can’t say as I’ve ever been so messed up that I’ve said “I’ve let my country down.” Too funny. Haven’t done anything hallucinogenic since college days, literally before you were born, but I remember the “trails” coming off of everything and all the typewriter letters in the rugs (they didn’t spell out anything; they were just “there”, everywhere), and walking across campus and suddenly realizing that my legs were moving me even though I couldn’t feel them (something called Windowpane, I guess), but after a while I didn’t enjoy it any more and wanted to just smoke enough Missouri ditch weed to come down to a recognizable buzz. Never really felt anything one way or another from ‘shrooms; maybe I didn’t do enough. I’ll deny this in court, ha ha. You’re funny. If I was texting you, it’d be “ur funny.”

    Liked by 1 person

    • Haha, why thank you :) Granted, I’ve let my country down on many occasions but never felt it so much as that time. There are many possibilities as to why mushrooms didn’t quite agree with me, but my current theory is that I’m more about stuff made in the lab rather than in nature. Acid never turned on me lol.

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