(I was supposed to post this earlier this morning but I died yesterday around 2:00am and finally had to kick my ass out of bed. Because that’s how much I care.)
I might be dead right now. I’m not completely sure.
I decided to make Long Island Iced Teas on New Year’s Eve, but with really cheap alcohol and barely any Coke. (Also I forgot the Triple Sec, but in all honesty, I have no clue what that is anyway.)
Everything here was around $10, except for the Bacardi because I can’t resist the half-gallon.
One thing that really pissed me off though was that stupid bottle of 1800 tequila. It has a cork-thing as a top and after struggling with it for about 200 years, it popped open and covered me in stinky fucking tequila. I almost barfed right there because I forgot how that is the smell of being disgustingly hungover.
Originally, I’d bought all this alcohol for a group of friends to have over that night. I spent all day meticulously cleaning my apartment (I found so much stuff Alessandro and I lost over the past 8 months, it was scary), and busting my ass to make nice food and bullshit, but of course my friends are total dicks and didn’t come.
Too afraid of D.U.I.’s or whatever… bitches.
Anyways, I thought about how I never really make New Year’s resolutions but if I’m going to start, they’re gonna be things that I TRULY wanna do so that I actually do them. None of this “lose weight, volunteer, stop beating your wife” bullshit. Real resolutions.
My 2015 Resolutions:
1. “Kill people, burn shit, fuck school.”
Cause that’s what Tyler the Creator says and, frankly, I have to agree.
2. Start smoking everywhere I want, no matter how inappropriate or not-allowed.
For example, the children’s ward at the hospital, church, maybe even in a bar.
Kim Jong-Un is smoking inside a hospital because he knows what he wants out of life.
3. Take Eminem’s advice on EVERYTHING.
(But like 2000-era Eminem. Not him today. He went soft.)
4. Live every day like it’s the first 30 minutes of “Intervention”.
Before they actually give the intervention.
5. See how long I can go without taking a shower.
My current record is like 5 days. You’d be amazed how little others notice about your hygeine.
Well, that’s it. Remember that you can enter the contest here: Rafflecopter.com (or comment on this post) and win a $25 gift card to these places. Good luck and Happy New Year/Funny Blog Friday!!!
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Someone told KIm Jong-Un to put out his cigarette once; his skull is now being used as an ashtray.
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I guess that’ll teach people not to tell him when or when not to smoke. Not saying the guy’s right, but I’ve had similar urges before in regards to people criticising my smoking.
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#2 is awesome. I quit, but #2 is still fucking awesome. Children’s ward of the hospital, fersure, like it’s 1975 ;)
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Exactly. I wish I had some of my mom’s pictures documenting that. She’s a nurse and always talks about how the hospital would just be cloudy with cigarette smoke, but I’d say it’s cloudy with FREEDOM lol.
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LOL I am dying of LOLZ :P
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Hahaha yesss <3
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Yes Eminem early 2000’s. He didn’t care what anyone said back then.
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Indeed. When he stopped being a drug-addict, he stopped bringing joy to the world. You know someone’s better off not sober when they do a song with Rihanna.
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Best resolutions ever. I got you beat on the showering thing, though.
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Hahaha nice, what’s your record?
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Oh god, you don’t wanna know. I have this intense fear of getting wet. Add that to my mental illnesses and I’m pretty sure I’ve gone 3 weeks. I didn’t leave the house, though, so I think that counts for something.
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You are my hero. *bowing down*
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OK, I can’t compete with the not showering for five days but I have been living in my nightgowns for the past two weeks (off work for Christmas Break) AND wearing the same outfit out in public for two weeks. That should count for something… :)
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Totally counts! Commendable, in fact :)
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You are an inspiration to New Years resolutions everywhere!
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Hahaha, well thank you my dear :) I figure since I probably wouldn’t follow through with the positive stuff, I might as well be honest lol
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I wanted to let you know I’ve nominated you for the One Lovely Blog Award. Thank you for supporting humor writers!
https://ekpreston.wordpress.com/2015/01/05/well-would-you-look-at-that-one-lovely-blog-nomination/
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Thank you so much!! I’m honored :) <3
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First you should stop beating your wife. Secondly, I like the interventions one. HA! You rebel you with the Anti-Resolution-Resolution.
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Haha, thank you :) Just like regular resolutions, I have yet to keep a single one
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