Sex And Nonsense: Gina And I Discuss The Issues

(DISCLAIMER: this is not safe for work, or “NSFW” if you prefer. We talk about sex and stuff, so you probably shouldn’t be reading this at all. Perverts. JK, kiddos. Enjoy…)

Okay, so me and Gina from Endearingly Wacko have come together in comedic awesomeness to give you all what you want: sex.

(Not sex WITH us, though. Just about us. In case you were confused.)

We basically decided to join forces in the battle against non-laughingness in a series I like to call “Alanna And Gina On The Issues”. Like Batman and Robin. But for comedy blogs.

The Comedic Duo.
The Comedic Duo.

These are a few questions we came up with (mostly her) that we’re answering here. The answers to the other questions are on Gina’s blog so you’ll have to go there to find out the rest.

Questions:
1. Name one of the funniest or weirdest places you’ve ever had sex.
2. How did you learn about sex and how old were you?
3. Did you ever accidentally see your parents having sex?
4. Describe something embarrassing that you’ve done.

(They’re going to be out of order so just deal with that.)

2. How did you learn about sex and how old were you?

Gina: I was five years old. I learned about the facts of life from my next door neighbor, Penny, who was also five years old. Penny’s mother seemed to have a lot of drama in her life and because we lived in a townhouse with paper-thin walls, my Mom was able to find out all the scoop on this lady by putting a glass up to the wall and listening. As an aside, there was a hilarious moment when my sister was a toddler and the neighbor lady was standing inside the front hallway talking to my Mom. According to my Mom, she saw my little sister get a plastic cup and hold it up to her ear against the wall, mimicking the behavior she had seen. My Mom said she was cringing inside in case the neighbor lady was able to figure out that she was being spied upon. Anyway, Penny was not supervised very well. She liked to dive in the dumpster and rummage around for God knows what. Treasure of some kind I suppose. I may have just been a little kid, but even I was like, “There’s no way I’m getting into a giant container filled with trash”.

*NOT ACTUAL DUMPSTER FROM STORY* (But close.)
*NOT ACTUAL DUMPSTER FROM STORY* (But close.)

So one time Penny was dumpster diving and I was standing next to the dumpster and she told me, “My Mom and her boyfriend are having sex.” I was like, “What’s that?”. And then she very graphically explained how part A was inserted into slot B. It rocked my little world. I mean, it was just so bizarre. Maybe everyone feels the same way the first time you hear about the actual mechanics involved. It’s funny to me that something that should be natural and beautiful was introduced to me next to a dumpster, with it’s stench and flies. Although maybe that’s a more telling metaphor for sex, now that I think about it.

Alanna: I can’t remember when I learned about sex because my parents were too cool to give me “the talk” and my Catholic school didn’t have health class. I just sort of always knew it existed (especially when I saw “Wild Things” at 5 years old). But one time when I was like 12, I was asking my friend about the lyrics of “What’s Your Fantasy?” by Ludacris and my friend mentioned penetration. I turned around and was like, “¿Que?”

She was all, “Wait a second… what do you think sex is?”

Obviously, it’s like when you rub your Barbie and Ken together at their smooth parts.” She laughed for about ten million years and then described to me the actual process of “getting jiggy with it” (na na na na na naa). I was extremely confused and we had to discuss it for quite a while because I absolutely could not wrap my mind around the concept. (In fact, I’m still a little fuzzy on the details.)

3. Did you ever accidentally see your parents having sex?

Gina: Yes. It happened when I was a college student which made it SO much more worse than if it had happened when I was a child. At least if I had been a kid I probably wouldn’t have known what was going on. I was home for three weeks in August 1992. I had a small break from studying in Russia over the summer; I was returning there at the end of August to start the Fall Semester. Those three weeks were just long enough for me to get into a catastrophic car accident that nearly took my life, but I digress. I was up late packing my suitcase for my flight to Moscow the next day. My sister had already left for her first year of college in another city. My parents had gone to bed for the night and I suddenly remembered something that I needed that was in their room. I don’t remember what it was. Their door was closed but not locked so I thought I would quietly sneak in, get what I needed and leave. The light was off in their room but even in the darkness I could tell what was going on once I stepped into the room. My folks were “doing it”. I was horrified and quickly left. I’m surprised I didn’t trip over my own feet in my rush to get out. The next day no one mentioned the awkward incident. But I really wanted to say something like, “Seriously guys? One more day and I would have been gone and you would have been empty nesters. You would have had the whole house to yourself. Couldn’t you have waited one more day? If nothing else, why didn’t you lock the door?” But they didn’t and now I have an uncomfortable image burned into my brain. I guess I shouldn’t pass judgement since at some time (God forbid) we might get caught in the act by our son. He hasn’t done so yet but he did find a used condom wrapper once and he was like, “Who’s been eating candy in here?” We have a strict “no food upstairs” rule. I think I had to lie and blame myself just to keep him from asking more questions. Parenthood is fun.

Alanna: When I was about 3 years old, I walked into my parents’ bedroom in the middle of the day and saw them having sex even though I had no clue that was what was going on. They were all naked and my mom was just sitting on top (ugh) and they just looked at me for a few seconds in silence and started cracking up laughing. I was like, “WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?!?!” all pissed about not being “in” on the joke and then I just left the room.
We never talked about it after that.

To read the answers to the other two questions, click here: http://endearinglywacko.com/the-not-safe-for-work-blog-post

Thanks for reading! And if you want, feel free to provide your own answers in the comments. I always like to hear a good tale of unfortunate sex.

BYE EVERYBODY!! :)

Published by

White Girls Be Like

Hey there, I'm Alanna. I can't give you my last name for legal reasons, but you probably won't pronounce it right anyway. This is a blog about various occurrences in my life and also some of my thoughts and feelings about things, otherwise known as "what white girls be like". It's true. We be like... "Cats, Lana del Rey, Coors Light, and Twitter". If you disagree, please comment and tell me to shut up. Otherwise, enjoy! :)

19 thoughts on “Sex And Nonsense: Gina And I Discuss The Issues”

  1. In short:

    1. In a high voltage area behind a church.
    2. I don’t remember.
    3. I don’t remember.
    4. The first time I tried to have sex it wouldn’t go in, and that was pretty embarrassing. My boyfriend has also fucked me with nunchaku (or, as I say, nunchucks) which wasn’t really embarrassing but he likes to tell EVERYONE IN THE WHOLE WORLD about it. (I guess I do, too.)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thankfully I never walked in on my parents, but my oldest walked in on his dad and me. I don’t think he saw much, it was dark, but it took him a little while to figure out he really needed to GET THE F— OUT.

    Liked by 1 person

        1. Lol, definitely. I mentioned my own walking-in to my mom a few years ago and she still just laughed and didn’t say anything. She didn’t even remember it happening apparently

          Like

  3. I too had my Barbie and Ken “do it”. I don’t remember having them rub parts together but I would put them one on top of the other (face to face) and then leave them alone to have their private time together. Wasn’t that polite of me? Although if you’re old enough to make your Ken and Barbie screw, you probably shouldn’t be playing with dolls anymore.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I always made my scenarios like a soap opera. One Barbie would walk in on Ken and her sister and it would be a whole ordeal. Also, some of my Barbies liked girls so there was that. I blame my parents for letting me have too many Barbies and the movie “Wild Things” for teaching me every different sex scenario including threesomes. I think I had some issues…

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  4. My favorite sexual faux pas was thinking of a joke, during sex, that I had read online earlier that day. It had to do with being a complete recluse, living in a tiny house that’s sole purpose was to have hidden compartments for porn.

    The author had some line in it like “It sure doesn’t feel like a tiny house when I’m sitting on that porch watching the sun rise, my dog at my feet and one of those really dirty European piss mags spread out on my lap while I punch my dick like it has information that can save lives.”

    Anyway I couldn’t stop laughing when it came up. I rolled off her laughing hysterically until my boner was softer than a new can of play dough.

    Liked by 1 person

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