(A complex man with complex thoughts and a sage-like wisdom, Kenneth Powers provides laughter to all and guidance to many.)

If you haven’t already seen one of the greatest television programs known to man, a.k.a. “Eastbound & Down“, you should stop what you’re doing immediately and run to your nearest HBO provider.

…I’ll wait.

For those of you who don’t know the story, it’s about a dude who became a huge baseball star after high school and then pissed his success away with drugs, ladies, and alcohol. “Several shitty years later”, he returns to his hometown, down on his luck.

“But a true champion, face to face in his darkest hour will do whatever it takes to rise above. A man fights, fights, and fights some more. Because surrender is death, and death is for pussies. And my ass ain’t no pussy. My ass is a fucking champion.“

Through his life and his audio book, Kenny Powers shows us how to live…

1. Confidence is key.

“Undaunted, I knew the game was mine to win. Just like in life, all of my successes depend on me. I’m the man who has the ball; I’m the man who can throw it faster than fuck. So, that is why I’m better than everyone in the world. Kiss my ass and suck my dick, everyone.”

2. Race is just a label.

“Honestly, I can’t even believe that you would look at me and the word ‘gringo’ would even come to mind. Does it make your life easier just to throw a quick racist term at somebody? A man who has seen the things I have seen, experienced the loss and pain that I’ve experienced. I transcend race, hombre.”

3. Work hard, play harder.

4. The Yukon Denali XL is man’s greatest vehicular achievement.

“I got the glory. I get the fame, the money, the jewels, the cash, the Denali. Getting drunk on the reg, fucking good times on the reg, yachts on the reg, sex on the reg. Basically, all the shit that most men fantasize about.”

(Also, it’s my dream car. If this writing thing ever goes anywhere, I’m getting one.)

5. Take a break from technology and live your life.

6. Making money is important.

“The amount of money I’m gonna be making would hurt your parents feelings. You remember the class where I taught you all how to make it rain? That’s what I’m going to be doing every, single night. Dollar, dollar bills, y’all.”

7. You don’t have to be a Crossfit/P90x/gym-rat.

(I think this is even a meme now.)

8. Examine your weaknesses as well as your strengths.

“In Mexico, a man can truly get lost. And, if you’re a bank robber, or maybe someone who’s committed a fucked up, crazy crime, then that’s a good thing. But hiding takes it’s toll. At first you don’t realize it but, soon the identity that you tried to shed starts getting pissed and knocking at your insides. You know, when dealing with deep depression and sad shit, it’s cool to pretend like nothing is wrong. That, sometimes, works. But, eventually, you got to call a goddamn spade a spade and be like , ‘Yo, I’m fucked up and I got to make a change.'”

9. People will be dicks, but you don’t have to like everybody.

“You don’t like me? Well you’re the one with a fucking disability. It should be me not liking you, and yet I accept you. And you do this to me? Man, fuck you, you midget. I’m taking the fucking cocks.”

10. Things eventually get better.

“Chapter 10: Making the world your bitch. Once again, I’m with the hottest chick in town, buying the most expensive fashions, dining in the fanciest food places, riding around on goddam jet-skis, raining trim, hallucinogens, jet-skis again, throwing heat and getting laid. Did this tale end the way I thought it would? Probably not. But as long as I win, who gives a shit?”

---

There you have it. The wisdom of Kenny Powers. All of us could stand to take a lesson from this great man.

“So in closing, I’d like to give big ups to God, Buddha, L. Ron, whoever. Hell, maybe I just need to thank me. If there’s one thing I’ve learned through all my adventures and conquests is that some people are just wired for success. I had no choice when it came to being great. I just am great. I’m not trying to sound cocky, or full of myself. But, Kenny Powers has a sneaking suspicion that no matter what comes his way, he will always be great. Because that’s just the way shit works sometimes.”