(I feel like Jesus would probably be all like, “‘Good Friday’?? Maybe you assholes should get nailed to a cross and tell me how ‘good’ it is then. Dicks…”)
So today I’m at my mom’s house and am supposed to be doing laundry but I can’t seem to justify getting off the couch. It’s Good Friday, but not being allowed to eat meat and doing silent prayer for a whole hour isn’t exactly my definition of “good”.
(Then again, I completely forgot it was Lent until a few days ago so I’m not an expert in this area.)
Back in the day when I was in elementary and middle school, we used to do this crazy all-day church thing where we’d go through all the stations of the cross and pray the rosary. It was pretty much just a giant clusterfuck of kneeling and standing back up and kneeling down again.
It’s quite like P90x without the techno music in the background.
There was also the slightly disturbing practice in which they’d make the 8th graders act out “The Passion of the Cross”. If you’ve ever seen the Mel Gibson movie, it’s like that except with children. We’d all be assigned parts and the poor slob who was Jesus had to stand in front of the whole church covered in fake blood while the rest of us yelled, “CRUCIFY HIM!!” over and over again. Then he had to carry around this like 50-pound cross for 2 hours as we acted out every single part of the story.
I had this big speech about how we all realized after the fact that we were dicks and shouldn’t have let Jesus die. I just watched the video my mom took of it, and at this one part the kid who plays Jesus falls over with the giant cross. It’s amazing but I can’t show you for privacy reasons. I’m so very sorry…
So anyways, have a pleasant Good Friday and no matter what you believe, you’re all awesome for reading this. God and/or Kabbalah Monster thanks you for your time.
(P.S. Why did everyone stop saying “YOLO”? I miss it.)