Advice From Someone Who Should Never Give Advice, I'm Writing A Book, Just Your Everyday Neighborhood Nonsense, Story Time, The Chronicles Of Diane Kitten, Who Is Alanna?

I Haven’t Showered For A Week Because My Dedication Knows No Bounds

(Yeah, that’s right.  I’m being honest.  Gross, but honest.  Because the truth will set you free.  Free from hygiene and other human beings, perhaps.  Yet sometimes we must get ugly to create something beautiful.)

I gotta say, though, chilling in my own filth isn’t too bad.  It gives me an excuse not to run errands or hang out with my friends and Alessandro hasn’t bothered me for sex while I’m trying to write.  Also, I don’t even smell.  You’re probably thinking, “Yeah right, Alanna.  You probably stink like shit but can’t smell yourself because you’re gross and noseblind.”  But then again….. Idgaf.

it's always sunny the gang broke dee tumblr

yolo.

The reason I haven’t showered (in case you were wondering) is that I’ve been busy with very important things like banging my head against available walls until words come out, reading a part of my novel in front of other human beings (!), and attempting (unsuccessfully) to take videos of cats having sex outside at night.

(“Kitty Porn”, perhaps.  But the videos are just of blackness and me drunk and laughing in the background which is probably for the best.)

In other news, I had to actually read the words that I wrote out loud and IN FRONT OF ACTUAL PEOPLE.  I opened for Jon Sealy, author of The Whiskey Baron, at my college last month.  In a huge auditorium with about 30 billion people.  (Or like 30.  I’m not Rain Man, with all the counting and stuff.  I was just trying not to throw up.)

I don’t have many pictures, but here’s one I can share with you.  It’s a screenshot from a video my mom took with her phone that neither of us can figure out how to move onto a computer or even Facebook.

Alanna Reading 1

I’m wearing all black because I assumed it’d be a “90’s coffee shop” setting with a guy playing bongos and berets as far as the eye can see.

My piece was incredibly dark and personal because I didn’t know the protocol for reading in public and had no idea so many people would be there (including other students who got front row seats to my crazy).  In the video, you can hear my mom gasping when I swear or say terrible things about self-harm or alcoholism, which is funny but also quite upsetting, and my voice is ridiculous.

They need to develop the technology to make you sound like Patrick Stewart ASAP.  (Meanwhile, NASA is having Scott Kelly take instagram pics of space.  Priorities, people…)


Speaking of priorities and instagram, here is the latest installment of The Chronicles of Diane Kitten.  Truly, there is nothing she can’t do.

Diane Kitten Books Instagram

So well-read and freshly-bathed.  An inspiration to all.

Apologies for the nonsense post, I wrote this at like 3am and am in desperate need of a shower.  Goodbye for now, amigos!  Have a fantastic day and may all your books be wonderful!!!

Feel free to tell a story about the longest you’ve gone without bathing or what you’re reading at the moment.  Perhaps your feelings on gun control or Patrick Stewart?  I wanna hear it alllllllll… <3

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26 thoughts on “I Haven’t Showered For A Week Because My Dedication Knows No Bounds

  1. Hahah congrats on your reading! There have been times when its Sunday and I’m like, “Wait a minute. I haven’t showered since Wednesday. But why? I’m confused as to why this is happening.” I’ve missed you on WordPress lady.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks! I freaked out about it for an entire week and seriously considered running away the day of the reading but luckily my boyfriend pulled me out from under the covers and played “Eye of the Tiger” all day to get me pumped, otherwise I definitely would’ve bailed haha

      Like

  2. Please, please, please figure out how to upload the video! I desperately want to see it. What about using the USB cord to connect the phone to a computer and upload it that way? YOU CAN DO IT!

    That’s hilarious that “Eye of the Tiger” got you out of bed. Ever since Kim Davis played it when she got out of jail, that song is forever ruined for me. As someone on Twitter said, “Now I’ll never be able to fuck to that song again without thinking of that woman”. :(

    Liked by 1 person

    • Holy shit, I completely forgot about that stupid lady. Well, that song is about Rocky and life is my Apollo Creed. Sometimes it knocks me out and I lose, other times we’re running on the beach together so I can beat Dolph Lundgren. But as far as the video goes, my mom tried to upload it through her USB and wasn’t successful but I don’t totally believe her and she’s bad at computers so next time I go over to her house, I’ll straighten it out and send it your way :)

      Like

  3. A week? That’s solid. I haven’t gone that long but recently went 4-5 days because…kids. And sleep. I don’t think I stunk, although my kids complained that my face was scratchy since I shave in the shower as well.

    Congrats on your reading. As a parent myself I can understand your mom gasping at certain personal revelations or swear words. I’m sure it’s because she loves you so much. Good luck on your novel.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lol, 4-5 days is still a decent record though, especially when you have kids and probably have to interact with the outside world on a daily basis. (Side note: I’ve always been fascinated how men can shave in the shower considering the fact that there’s no mirror which is quite impressive.) And thanks! My mom definitely had reason to gasp and “Oh my God” considering the fact that the piece I read–although fictional–was about the main character opening up to her therapist about her issues heavily involving her parents and I used some facts from my own life to flesh out the neuroses which made her fear for my sanity even more than usual haha

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Two months. Literally. No lie.
    With a fear/hatred of the feeling of water, extreme laziness, and bipolar and anxiety, showers happen a lot less around here than normal people’d expect. And guess what? They have no idea. If I look dirty (which is only after a long time), they assume it’s been like two days. I do try to make it once a week, though. That’s what my mom does and she NEVER looks dirty.

    Liked by 1 person

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