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Whiter Than Ghosts Swimming In Clorox: My DNA Results

(I had no idea how aptly named my blog was.  It’s sad because a little part of me always felt gangster, and I really hoped my internal makeup was more diverse.  “White Girls Be Like” was never more real.  I can’t even…)

Recently, my friend Jessie of “You’re Fine” took a DNA test and wrote about it on her blog.  I was like, “Awesome, I wanna try that!” and bought a test from 23andMe to see my own ancestral breakdown.  I figured it wasn’t going to be as interesting as Jessie’s, but maybe I’d find out something cool or find a relative I never knew about.

First of all, I had no idea about the process of sending away your DNA.  Basically you have to spit into this little cup thingy until it reaches the line (they say it takes about 5 minutes for most people, but I was spitting in this thing for half an hour).  Then you do some sciencey stuff and wrap everything up in the package they give you and put it in the mail.  A million years later (or about a month), you get your results online and all this cool stuff telling you about yourself and some stuff you already know (like, “yes, I know I have red hair, thanks for the info”) but also some stuff that you wouldn’t think they’d know which is cool.  For instance, they knew I was a sprinter (back in the day, not now) because I have some gene that says something about my muscles and how they’re made to sprint.

On the website, there’s a million reports all about what your DNA means (I highly recommend doing this, it’s super fun), and you can click on said reports to give you more detailed information.  I started off seeing my ancestral breakdown.

Alanna DNA breakdown

So… I’m white.

There’s a bunch of smaller percentages under these, but mostly I’m British and Irish.  Big surprise.  Another thing they can tell you is how much Neanderthal you have in you.  Apparently I have quite a lot, and I’m not sure what that says about me, but my mom laughed and said, “That makes so much sense!” which is always nice to hear…

Alanna Neanderthal DNA

More Neanderthal than 58% of other 23andMe customers.  I’m basically a cavewoman.

Some other things they told me I was likely to possess were interesting because I totally broke the mold and said, “Hey, DNA!  I don’t care what I’m ‘supposed’ to be like.  I’m gonna be ME.”  Here’s a list of stuff that was wrong:

  1. Unlikely to have a cleft chin.  I totally have one.  In fact, my cleft chin is a definitive factor about my face.  My uncles used to think it was funny to take a tissue up to my chin and say things like, “Hey, Alanna, I think you forgot to wipe,” or, “You have an ass on your face.”  The latter isn’t very clever, but still hurt my feelings.
  2. Unlikely to have a widow’s peak.  Uhmm… hello??
    Alanna widows peak

    Sailor’s wives come to my head to see if their husbands have come back to port. 

     

  3. Likely to have detached earlobes.  Mine are definitely attached.
  4. Likely to have a little unibrow.  Wow.  Not nice.  I don’t have a unibrow and I actually don’t seem to grow any hair in between my eyebrows so take that DNA people!!
  5. Likely to have straight or wavy hair.  Okay, this one is half right I suppose.  My hair is pretty curly but sometimes just wavy depending on the humidity or if God wants to punish me that day.

Other weird stuff about me is on the reports like the fact that I have wet earwax (shut up, it’s not that gross) and something about if I can tell if my pee smells like asparagus after I eat it (asparagus, not eating my pee).  I can also share my reports, so if you’re interested in how my ring fingers are longer than my index fingers, feel free to shoot me an email.

All in all, I’m just another white girl who likes to hang out in basements (probably because they remind me of being in a cave).  Have you ever tested your DNA?  If so, what’d you find out?  If not, what do you suppose you are?  How Neanderthal are you? 

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17 thoughts on “Whiter Than Ghosts Swimming In Clorox: My DNA Results

  1. OK, I totally want to do this. I did take a test (through work) that lets you know if you have a gene for inflammation which increases your risk of heart disease. Yep, I’ve got it! The shitty thing is that there’s currently not much that science can do to help me (and others with this gene). So I take a baby aspirin daily and hope for the best. I want my husband to take this because I’m pretty sure he’s like 97% neanderthal. It’s not an insult. He’s just a hairy, masculine dude with a forehead that looks like a neanderthal. A HANDSOME neanderthal, but still.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My in-laws did this last year and I’ve been really tempted to as well. Apparently I’m (a very small) part Cree, so it would be interesting to see the percentages on that.

    I didn’t know the test results went into genetic predispositions, though; my ILs got too hung up chuckling over Neanderthal DNA to mention anything else beyond their ancestry breakdowns, damn them! Although I can’t say I’m particularly sorry to have missed out on the opportunity to see what their genes say about their pee…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Seriously, your post had me rolling!

    I have considered DNA testing, leaning toward 23andMe because of the additional details it provides. But sheesh, I don’t know if would want THOSE details. ;)

    How exactly are you supposed to respond to all of these quirky, slightly disconcerting analyses? “Umm… thank you, I think?”

    Liked by 1 person

    • Haha yeah it’s tough to maintain much dignity when you read a report basically like, “Here’s what’s up: you can tell if your pee smells like asparagus and you’re genetically predisposed to drink too much caffeine. We’ll also throw you the raw data but you won’t understand it because you’re a caveman. Boom. Science.” *drops mic*

      Like

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