I Call Bullshit, Just Your Everyday Neighborhood Nonsense, Lists, Tell Me Your Secrets, Who Is Alanna?

Whiter Than Ghosts Swimming In Clorox: My DNA Results

(I had no idea how aptly named my blog was.  It’s sad because a little part of me always felt gangster, and I really hoped my internal makeup was more diverse.  “White Girls Be Like” was never more real.  I can’t even…)

Recently, my friend Jessie of “You’re Fine” took a DNA test and wrote about it on her blog.  I was like, “Awesome, I wanna try that!” and bought a test from 23andMe to see my own ancestral breakdown.  I figured it wasn’t going to be as interesting as Jessie’s, but maybe I’d find out something cool or find a relative I never knew about.

First of all, I had no idea about the process of sending away your DNA.  Basically you have to spit into this little cup thingy until it reaches the line (they say it takes about 5 minutes for most people, but I was spitting in this thing for half an hour).  Then you do some sciencey stuff and wrap everything up in the package they give you and put it in the mail.  A million years later (or about a month), you get your results online and all this cool stuff telling you about yourself and some stuff you already know (like, “yes, I know I have red hair, thanks for the info”) but also some stuff that you wouldn’t think they’d know which is cool.  For instance, they knew I was a sprinter (back in the day, not now) because I have some gene that says something about my muscles and how they’re made to sprint.

On the website, there’s a million reports all about what your DNA means (I highly recommend doing this, it’s super fun), and you can click on said reports to give you more detailed information.  I started off seeing my ancestral breakdown.

Alanna DNA breakdown

So… I’m white.

There’s a bunch of smaller percentages under these, but mostly I’m British and Irish.  Big surprise.  Another thing they can tell you is how much Neanderthal you have in you.  Apparently I have quite a lot, and I’m not sure what that says about me, but my mom laughed and said, “That makes so much sense!” which is always nice to hear…

Alanna Neanderthal DNA

More Neanderthal than 58% of other 23andMe customers.  I’m basically a cavewoman.

Some other things they told me I was likely to possess were interesting because I totally broke the mold and said, “Hey, DNA!  I don’t care what I’m ‘supposed’ to be like.  I’m gonna be ME.”  Here’s a list of stuff that was wrong:

  1. Unlikely to have a cleft chin.  I totally have one.  In fact, my cleft chin is a definitive factor about my face.  My uncles used to think it was funny to take a tissue up to my chin and say things like, “Hey, Alanna, I think you forgot to wipe,” or, “You have an ass on your face.”  The latter isn’t very clever, but still hurt my feelings.
  2. Unlikely to have a widow’s peak.  Uhmm… hello??
    Alanna widows peak

    Sailor’s wives come to my head to see if their husbands have come back to port. 

     

  3. Likely to have detached earlobes.  Mine are definitely attached.
  4. Likely to have a little unibrow.  Wow.  Not nice.  I don’t have a unibrow and I actually don’t seem to grow any hair in between my eyebrows so take that DNA people!!
  5. Likely to have straight or wavy hair.  Okay, this one is half right I suppose.  My hair is pretty curly but sometimes just wavy depending on the humidity or if God wants to punish me that day.

Other weird stuff about me is on the reports like the fact that I have wet earwax (shut up, it’s not that gross) and something about if I can tell if my pee smells like asparagus after I eat it (asparagus, not eating my pee).  I can also share my reports, so if you’re interested in how my ring fingers are longer than my index fingers, feel free to shoot me an email.

All in all, I’m just another white girl who likes to hang out in basements (probably because they remind me of being in a cave).  Have you ever tested your DNA?  If so, what’d you find out?  If not, what do you suppose you are?  How Neanderthal are you? 

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I Call Bullshit, I Watch Too Much TV, Reblogging Baby

“Another Pretty Little Liars Discussion with Alanna”

Jessie and I once again discuss the madness that is Pretty Little Liars and hate on the writers. (Really. Like, why even bother telling us who “A” is if you’re just gonna take a dump on us?)

You're Fine

Back in June, Alanna from White Girls Be Like… and I discussed the unrealistic storyline of Pretty Little Liars. As we prepared for the summer premier, or as they called it, the “Summer of Answers”, we were excited to see how this whole Charles DiLaurentis debacle panned out. Well folks…it’s been exactly one week since we found out who this “A” is, and we are still scratching our heads. What’s new, right?

To some of you, this may not be a big deal. Finding out who “A” is. I’ll tell you why it’s a big deal for us. First of all, I remember seeing the previews for the up and coming show Pretty Little Liars back in 2010. I thought it looked stupid. Given the title, which is a horrible title, it just looked like a bunch of little assholes who lie and manipulate each other. Which is true…

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I Call Bullshit, I Watch Too Much TV, Just Your Everyday Neighborhood Nonsense, Reblogging Baby

The Fundamental Dynamics Of All Things Ridiculous Portrayed in Pretty Little Liars – Featuring Alanna from White Girls Be Like…

Jessie and I discuss the complex nature of “Pretty Little Liars”. Check it out and chime in, even if you’ve never seen it. Everyone’s opinions are important here.

You're Fine

***Contains Spoilers. If you don’t give a hoot, then go ahead and keep reading.

Alanna and I started discussing Pretty Little Liars. Since the new Season 6 premiers tonight, we thought we’d get in the PLL spirit. It’s rare to come across a fellow specimen who enjoys Pretty Little Liars every Tuesday night. As much as we love the show, its intensity and mystery behind every episode, we also can’t help but make fun of it. Of course, this isn’t a show that someone can just relate to. A group of high school girls being stalked by an unknown masked human being dressed in all black who manipulate, control, and harass them on a daily basis following the murder of their best friend. It’s not everyday a story like this is on national news. I don’t doubt that something like this could happen. I mean, come on. We have wifi…

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I Call Bullshit, I Hate College, Just Your Everyday Neighborhood Nonsense, Who Is Alanna?, Why Pennsylvania Sucks

If This Blog Was A Baby, Social Services Would Have Taken It By Now.

(Maybe if the father was around, we wouldn’t be in this situation. I blame the system. And Penn State. Because when in doubt, blame Penn State.)

So it’s finally March and I’m hoping that the crippling darkness and cold will pass so I can once again emerge from my cave and rejoin humanity. Although I hope humanity gets hit in the head with a frying pan and gets out of this alternate state wherein they care about stupid shit.

Like the color of a goddamn dress. And 99.9% of what happens on Facebook.

There are more important things going on in the world. (LIKE TWO BLACK PARENTS GIVING BIRTH TO A WHITE BABY!!! WHAT IN THE ABSOLUTE FUCK?!?! If there was any proof of the apocalypse, this would be it.)

19_07_2010 - 19.27.45 - SUN - PSN_9_WHITE_BABY.jpg

Also, someone out there tricked me into seeing child pornography. The kid found my phone number somehow and snapchatted me a picture of his penis. Which begs the question…

DO I SEEM LIKE THE KIND OF PERSON YOU CAN SEND PICTURES OF YOUR DICK TO?!?!?!

(I pray the answer is “no”.)

Especially penises who are under 18. So if any of you jokers out there think you should, be advised: I will kill you. Because I refuse to be an “accidental felon”. If there is any crime to commit, it shall be my own choice. To paraphrase Eleanor Roosevelt, no one can make you a criminal without your consent.

No, no, no. Eminem wags his finger at you.

No, no, no. Eminem wags his finger at you.

In other news, Pennsylvania is an unfortunate place to live. Don’t come here. I totally got shafted trying to VOLUNTEER for Tom Wolf’s inaugural ceremony because I’m not a registered Democrat. I literally wasn’t allowed to volunteer because I’m a Republican. How much bullshit is that?! 

A lot of bullshit. Is the answer to that question.

Plus, I’m buried in homework and almost out of oxygen. Because college is terrible.

But on the bright side, Pennsylvania has finally privatized the sale of liquor and stuff, so now I don’t have to go to the stupid state store which is always closed. And Spring Break starts on the 8th, so I’ll finally have some time to write on here again and possibly clean out my thousands of unread emails.

Anyways, thanks for hanging in there while I viciously neglected you all. Hopefully circumstance doesn’t kill me and I reclaim my life soon. The other night, I got super drunk and bought $40 worth of nail polish and a Wallflowers CD on Amazon. Be careful out there.

The end is near…

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Advice From Someone Who Should Never Give Advice, I Call Bullshit, I Probably Have Ghosts In My Attic, Just Your Everyday Neighborhood Nonsense, Who Is Alanna?

Is That “Where’s The Beef?” Lady Still Alive? Because We Can Tell Her To Stop Looking.

(I’ve found the beef. It’s all around me. I could grill burgers with everyone I know.)

But oh wait, I can’t…

BECAUSE I HAVE BEEF WITH LIKE ALL OF THEM.

Where's The Beef

Yessirree, my lucky streak with making friends is alive and well. Everywhere I go people break up, get into fights, and are covered in boils.

(But that’s not because of me. It’s because God hates me and sends the Plagues of Egypt to my life.)

(Make sure to paint your doorframe in sheep’s blood.)

I totally went back on the whole “Machiavellian” thing and trusted people I should not have. Once again, I attempted to bring people together and it ended in madness.

At least I know I don’t have a career in matchmaking.

Also, why do I surround myself with men who like to fight one another? I mean, can’t they just be like women? Say passive-aggressive insults to each other and talk shit behind their backs? It’s much easier and it doesn’t involve me LOSING MY GODDAMN MIND!!!!!!!!

I may not have a lot of closely-held principles, but I do live by one rule: if you hurt someone I love, you’re dead to me.

So am I going to forgive these people? ….

Wolf of Wall Street gif

I still don’t visit the imaginary grave of a kid who called my best friend “Harry Potter” in the first grade, just because she had a bowl cut and round glasses. I saw this kid’s ghost all the way through high school and never acknowledged it.

Even when I bumped into it in the hallway, knocking his ghost-books all over the place.

(Why a ghost needs books, I’ll never know, but it must be a common thing considering my books are always scattered all around my attic. Where the ghosts live.)

Regardless, I’m really beginning to think no one should hang around me EVER. It’s not good for anyone. I’m like a human sitcom except it’s not all that funny.

But people are just lucky I don’t seek revenge and everything is illegal because of the feminization of our society. I can’t even be like, “TRY THAT SHIT AGAIN AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.” Cause bitches be bitches and they’d go tell on me. So I’m just gonna have to stew in my anger and chill in my house all like this:

Hunter S Thompson shooting gif

I blame Nixon.

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I Call Bullshit, Just Your Everyday Neighborhood Nonsense, Lists

Wanna Find Me? Just Search For “Bullshit”.

(Seriously. Go Google it right now. I’m all over those search results.)

Google Analytics is a nifty little service. It’s like Facebook stalking for my own blog, but I don’t know who I’m stalking. All I know is that as far as the internet is concerned… I am “bullshit”. (“Bullshit” being spelled many different ways, however. You people need to learn how to spell. Although I admire your creativity. Never stop being you.)

At least I know if I ever write a book, my opening line can be “Call me Bullshit.” Because that is my name, my life, and apparently my writing.

This is an example of just SOME of the search terms that lead you to me. I made this in paint. Don't judge me.

This is an example of just SOME of the search terms that lead you to me. I made this in paint. Don’t judge me.

A lot of the search terms contained “tumblr” and “quotes” and obviously “bullshit”, but there were certain ones that stood out as hilarious, awesome, or just plain confusing that I’d like to share now (in no particular order). (There was more but we’d be here all day.)

Drinking games you can play alone (Obviously. I wrote an entire post on this.)
Catholic crushing guilt (Again.)
My parents are terrible people
Alcohol for white girls (Uhmm… okay, try “everything”?)
I’m an asshole (Hahaha.)
Shark week Halloween
I’m coming for you (People are scary.)
Before all else be armed
Is the pope Catholic? (I thought we established this.)
I like you but you be on that bullshit (This might be my fave.)
Pumpkin mustache
Life sucks (I’m sorry.)
I need a new heart
Rambo you just don’t turn it off
My boyfriend sucks
Watch the fuck out
Fuck you asshole
Hey hey my my (Somebody was probably searching for Neil Young.)
Coors Light has cocaine in it (WTF?! You people are crazy.)
Common white girl tweets
My best friend has replaced me
It’s my birthday buy me a beer
Things to make you vomit
Eating tacos
Stupid white girls
I fuck therefore I am (You can’t argue with that philosophy.)
Girls taking all their clothes off (…wow.)
Grave of Frank Sinatra
Eddie Munster
Statutory care (I don’t know what this is.)
Loves comedy
Can of bullshit
George Carlin in Hell (You don’t know that for sure.)
I want you Bill Murray (Same.)
Why Pennsylvania sucks (I totally explain this all the time.)
Homemade girls gone wild (Confusing because do they mean “homemade girls”?)
Fuck it I’m out
How to get away with murder
Tisk tisk
Haven’t showered in 2 days (Truuee.)
I need to be fucked
I love Alanna (How sweet! Also, I found this website: ilovealanna.com)
How do I know if I’m iron deficient
Wasted people
Oh this is bullshit peeps
Real parking tickets
You have failed this city (Am I the Batman? I don’t know how this happened.)
If you mustache it’s my birthday (Lol K?)
I rule the world
Quotes for trying times (I like how this is worded haha.)
Dalek pumpkin
Everybody get in here
I am incompetent
Ice bucket challenge boner
I don’t wanna go back to college
Beware of girls
I feel like the worst person in the world (Well I might be considering this list.)
How many people can do it like me (I don’t know, excellent question.)
I want you inside me
Rape sloth (Bahaha WHAT?)
Penis (Nuff said.)
Professional pervert
Religion makes you stupid
Black girls wanna cracker
Stupid girls be like
Arsenic poisoning
You think you’re the pope (How so?)
Sleeping in class like a boss
I’m watching you (…)
I’m a bitch
Hey google when is my birthday (How don’t you know?)
Fuck redhead gif (Gross.)
Fuck my white ass (Gross the sequel.)
Evil ryu pictures (What is “ryu”?)

So, people of the interweb, thank you again for making me laugh. If you have any idea what some of these mean, please let me know, gracias.

sweet dee tumblr gif

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Advice From Someone Who Should Never Give Advice, I Call Bullshit, Who Is Alanna?

“Oh, You Need A New Heart? I’m Still Using Mine, But You Can Have It.”

(I am a giant pushover, and everyone I know takes advantage of this fact. I need to re-read “The Prince”. By the way, this post isn’t going to be funny.)

Machiavelli was probably right: “The fact is that a man who wants to act virtuously in every way necessarily comes to grief among so many who are not virtuous.” I’m not trying to say that I am always doing something for the best reasons or even that I’m a good person, but all too often throughout my life people have used me for my kindness in wanting to help them or for stuff that I have/can do for them. There are honestly very few people I can say I trust. Those who will have my back and I’ll always have theirs.

I’ve been fucked over so many times and let it go because I try to be forgiving. I try to help my friends or people who are in need (see my post on “Catholic Guilt”), only to turn around and watch them scatter when I need help myself. Therefore, I am officially calling bullshit on everyone and everything. (Just like my girl Victoria, on Angst.)

art-bampw-bullshit-quote-text-Favim.com-345096

How many times do I have to be fucked over to realize that people are shitty and are just trying to take advantage of me? Again, I’ll quote Machiavelli:

“Of mankind we may say in general they are fickle, hypocritical, and greedy of gain.”

I have had quite a few experiences in the last few weeks that have reminded me that people are inherently evil and never to be trusted. A particular instance occurred when I made a new friend and loaned that person something I couldn’t afford to lose. Foolishly, I went against my better instincts and trusted this person. (I can’t tell you the story because it is kind of super illegal. Sorry. I really wish I could write what happened.) Regardless, my constant need to make people like me once again led to my demise. Now I have to live with the knowledge that I’m TOTALLY FUCKED and it’s MY GODDAMN STUPID FAULT.

However, this idiot made a mistake: he let me know where he lives and who he hangs out with. Bad call, bro. Another thing Machiavelli said:

“Before all else, be armed.”

Watch the fuck out, asshole. I'm coming for you.

Watch the fuck out, asshole. I’m coming for you.

Just kidding. I’m not gonna kill anyone. But I have my field hockey stick and I’m like Happy Gilmore with that bitch. I don’t even know how many girls I’ve given concussions to in my time of playing the sport. (Not like a straight whack to the head, but sometimes the ball would get some air and people were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.)

Basically, I’m going to live life from now on according to Machiavellian Principle. I’m not even a scary person. I don’t threaten people and I’ve never physically fought anyone. But maybe it’s better to be scary, threatening, and possibly viewed as crazy? What do you think?

“It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.”

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