Happy Valentine’s Day, Everybody. This Is My Love Letter To You.

(Sort of. It’s kind of a mix between that, my ramblings, and Gina and I being awesome. So… you’re welcome.)

I’m sorry it’s been so long since I last posted. I’ve been wondering if I could pay someone to pretend to be me and take care of all my responsibilities while I sleep.

(I’m not having much luck.)

Also, I’m spending my Valentine’s Day watching tv and drinking by myself because Alessandro is too busy to hang out with me. (Like school and work are more important than me or something?) Therefore, my new boyfriend is a dog-shaped body pillow named “Rufus”. He never yells at me for the giant pile of laundry or tries to explain the math involved in fluid dynamics to me. Plus, he doesn’t judge me for day-drinking or spending too much money at McDonald’s.

My perfect man. <3

Rufus

Another fun fact: as of February 2nd, I’ve been blogging for 7 months. (I missed my 6-month blogging anniversary, which by the way, is technically a misnomer. “Anniversary” implies a year, so I think they should make up a term for the 6-month mark rather than adding slang and Harry Potter words to the dictionary. But whatever, Merriam and/or Webster. I guess you have more important things to worry about. Like being dead.) You can read my very first post here and see how much I’ve changed. Although it hasn’t been much…

But I’d like to thank you all for staying with me through the ramblings and the nonsense. It truly means a lot. I hope you all stay around for another 7 months (and then hopefully after that as well).

Valentine Kanye West Funny
I totally do. That’s a lot of love.

That being said, Gina and I once again have embarked upon a joint-post. This time, it’s our various search terms which led to our blogs and our responses to them. Search terms are always fun, but I’ve gotta say, God bless Google Analytics.

1. it’s all fun and games until your jeans don’t fit

Gina: Oh man, I can’t even make fun of this one because I fall into this category. Have there been days when I’ve had to lie flat on my back to zip up my jeans? Yes. Yes there have. *whispers, “nearly every day”* *makes sad face*

Me: #truth

2. I’m not always a bitch just kidding go fuck yourself

Gina: You know how often at the end of work emails you’ll see people put their company logo and some kind of positive sentiment? The Customer is Priority One! I would love to put this line as my personal motto.

Me: Yeah, I’ve got nothing.

3. classy stripper

Gina: Hmmm, yes, where to begin with these two words. They don’t go together of course. I’m trying to imagine what such a woman would look like. Would she wear a button-up blouse and pearls? Wear her hair in a tight bun? Discuss English literature with her patrons? Lady, if you are a stripper you can never be classy. I’m sorry to break the news to you but it’s true.

Me: Oxymoron? But then again, given my history with stripper poles and costume shoes, I’m not here to judge.

4. asshole award

Gina: We all know people who are deserving of an “Asshole Award”. When I first read this phrase for some reason my mind brought up an image of an actual AWARD. Like a trophy. How would you represent the “puckered starfish” in bronze I wondered? So I googled “asshole award” and the image below is not what I was looking for but it’s so amazingly awesome I had to share:

Yes, it’s a cat with a balloon string hanging out of its ass. Oh Internet how I love you so…
Yes, it’s a cat with a balloon string hanging out of its ass. Oh Internet how I love you so…

Me: Okay, I might be a jerk but I don’t think it deserves an award. Not totally sure Google likes me…

5. life is like a penis

Gina: Um, long periods of boredom spent in the dark with brief moments of pure ecstasy? Wait, life really IS like a penis. I had never thought of that before.

Me: Interesting analogy. I’d like to hear how exactly. In that it is hard sometimes? Or that it’s constantly needing some sort of “job” to be done? The possibilities are endless.

6. suck my dick I’m a shark

Gina: Wow, the whole aggressive “shark” stereotype is actually true. But I don’t like your tone, so there will be no shark fellatio for you.

Me: Do sharks even have dicks? And if so, how are you using a computer, Mr. Shark? You’re fins shouldn’t be able to type. Unless it’s voice recognition. But this is exactly what’s wrong with technology: if sharks have iPHone’s, the next step is the movie “Deep Blue Sea”. And that’s just too much for me to handle. (I don’t want LL Cool J to die!!)

7. Kim Jong-un looking at things he wants to eat

Gina: Considering he’s the only fat person in a country full of starving people, I image that a photo of what he wants to eat is actually what he DOES eat. (He is also an Asshole Award recipient)

Me: The Supreme Leader doesn’t eat. Right? Cause gods or whatever don’t need to eat. Or crap. Apparently.

8. pray for ugly baby

Gina: Um, I guess I can do that. Won’t God be a little put out at such a shallow prayer? Instead of the usual prayers of “heal my sick baby” or “don’t let my starving baby die” heard ‘round the world, you want me to try to pray away your bad genetics. OK, asshole (and I’ll be nominating you for an Asshole Award).

Me: Who the fuck is “ugly baby” and why does this lead to my blog?

9. I care so little I almost passed out

Gina: Wow, such snark. I just pictured a bitchy fifteen-year old girl uttering these words. It’s OK honey. You’re young and inexperienced. It’s a half-way decent insult for someone your age. Keep practicing and you’ll get better.

Me: I’m starting to think these inquiries are somehow pointed…

10. one vodka two vodka three vodka drop dead

Gina: True fact– this is the Dr. Seuss book that was never published. It was before it’s time. However, once it hits the shelves at a later date this year, it’s guaranteed to be a runaway bestseller. The deluxe hardback version will include a tiny vodka bottle keychain for the adults, which can also be used as a backpack hang-tag for kids.

Me: Only if you’re a pussy. Or if “one vodka” = “one 750mL-bottle of vodka”. But even then, it’s a maybe.

11. who needs tits with an ass like this shirt

Gina: I’ve read this sentence a dozen times and it makes me laugh, but seriously it makes no sense. You’d expect the line to be, “Who needs tits with an ass like this” but the addition of the word “shirt” makes it nonsensical. It’s still funny though…

Me: Flat-chested girls just making themselves feel better. The end.

12. things that make you vomit

Gina: Well, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the search term below comes directly after this one. Sometimes the humor just writes itself.

Me: Teenagers better not be coming here to learn how to be bulimic. IT’S CALLED “NOT EATING”, LADIES. LEARN HOW TO DO IT.

13. Larry David naked

Gina: Full disclosure—I love Larry David and think he’s hilarious, but damn, I’ve never wanted to imagine him naked. See search term above.

Me: Hahahahaha, why though? Why did you look this up? Shame on you, person. Ugly baby judges you.

14. hell is filled with people like you

Gina: I love this line and may steal it to use on people in the future.

Me: Yeah… this is really starting to seem pointed. Although not wrong.

15. don’t get a boner challenge

Gina: Oh my gosh, I wish this was a reality show. In general I don’t watch much reality TV but I would totally make an exception in this case. Can you say “ratings landslide”?

Me: I challenge every man around me to this every day. Your move, amigos. (Jk, that’s totally egotistical.)

16. the only package I want this Christmas is yours

Gina: Hahaha… this is so immature and awesome. I would use it on my husband but since he’s Russian, the humor would probably be lost on him. I would have to explain the slang meaning of “package”. If I said this exact phrase to him he’d think I was saying that I was looking forward to HIS Christmas gift the most. Sometimes it sucks to be married to a spouse whose first language isn’t English.

Me: Bahaha, people are excellent.

17. you give my middle finger an erection

Gina: Love this! Again, it’s immature but I love it. This comment stands on its own. I can add nothing more to it.

Me: Yeah, me neither.

18. I don’t give a fuck god sent me to piss the world off

Gina: I know SO MANY people who seem to subscribe to this belief. I think it may be a true statement. Thanks God. (Note—this person is also a likely Asshole Award recipient).

Me: I love that Eminem lyrics come to my blog. “Stop the tape! this kid needs to be locked away! DR.DRE, DON’T JUST STAND THERE, OPERATE!!!”

19. rape sloth birthday

Gina: Well, I’m pretty sure that this is the first time in the history of the world that these three words have been grouped together. I can’t even hazard a guess at what the person was searching for. Do they want to rape a sloth? Is it a sloth’s birthday? This makes my brain hurt.

Me: Ahhhh, readers. Did I tell you how much I love you already? Because I can’t stress that enough.

20. thank you for being the piss in my pants

Gina: This could be the inside sentiment of the worst Valentine’s Day card ever. Or depending on your sense of humor, perhaps the BEST Valentine’s Day card ever. Ugh, I’m thinking of those people with the “Golden Shower” fetish. Yeah, those people would love that card.

Me: You are quite welcome. Excellent insult, by the way.

So there you have it. You can read more fun search terms and our responses on Gina’s blog here. And Happy Valentine’s Day from Gina and I!!! Even if you’re single, don’t worry: some random chicks on the internet love you. :)

Batman And Robin Running

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!!!

UPDATE: Also check out my girl http://jessiejanellereyna.com/ she just moved to WordPress.

Sisterhood Of The World Bloggers Award

(Because people actually read my nonsense and everyone is awesome. I love you all.)

Thank you so much Not Another Tall Blog for nominating me for this award! I’m so grateful <3 She’s awesome and funny so check her out!!

Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award

Here are the five rules to follow:

1. Thank the blogger who nominated you, linking back to their site.

2. Put the Award logo on your blog.

3. Answer the ten questions sent to you.

4. Make up ten new questions for your nominees to answer.

5. Nominate seven blogs.

My Answers:

1. How long have you been blogging for?

Since this past August. Almost 6 months I guess… (You can read my first-ever post here.)

2. As trivial as this may sound, why do you blog?

Because talking to myself was getting weird and unfulfilling haha. But also because I wanted to for a while and my dad said I’d never do it, so I was all, “Fuck you, I’m totally doing it.” And now here we are.

3. Is there anything in particular that you would like to achieve with your blog?

Maybe some networking and hopefully more people reading it. But mostly just being able to write somewhere other than my journal and making new friends which has been probably the best part of this whole experience.

4. Do you “do” blogger awards? If yes, what do they mean to you? If not, why not?

I did one before (read it here), and I keep getting nominated for another one but I haven’t written the post yet because I’m a terrible procrastinator. But I think awards are really awesome and a great way to support each other in the blogging world. It’s always nice to get praise or recognition for your work, and even if it’s small, it feels good to know someone likes what you’re doing. I’m always grateful for the nominations. :)

5. Is there anything that your followers don’t know about you, which you would really like them to know?

I’m not sure if there’s anything they don’t know about me (that I’d want to share). Maybe only that they’re awesome and I truly appreciate every follow, like, and comment. Even if I don’t always respond or if I don’t post for a while, I appreciate all of you guys and I’m glad you’ve stuck around for all my bullshit. <3

6. What does the “sisterhood” cause mean to you?

Well, my mind immediately jumps to traveling pants, but I’d say a group of badass ladies who support each other. Solidarity and feminism an all that. Lol.

7. Can you share with other bloggers a good practice that works well for you (e.g., a “tip”)?

I think the best thing is networking any way you can. Twitter, Facebook, whatever. Anything that will get out your site and allow you to interact with other bloggers. That’s important, too. You’ve gotta communicate with your readers.

8. Is there anything that you are particularly proud of as a blogger?

Probably getting interviewed on Opticynicism. That was a fun experience and they’re cool people.

9. Do you tend to read other blogs, or do you prefer to concentrate just on maintaining yours?

I try to read as many as possible and always try to check out my followers to see what they’re writing. It sucks because I don’t always have the time to do it or to read all the people I want but if I have the time, I’ll read as many as I can.

10. Does blogging require any sacrifices from you?

Maybe a little bit of my time but it’s not really a sacrifice. I love doing this and I’d totally do it all day if I could. I wish I could share my blog with more people I know in real life, but I don’t want to offend anyone or let my grandmom see my terrible cursing haha.

My Questions For The Nominees:

1. How you feeling today? What’s new in your life?

2. What’s your favorite thing to write/blog about?

3. Is there anything you wish you could write about but you can’t because of propriety or other stuff like that?

4. What’s your “life’s dream”? Like, if you could achieve or do ANYTHING in the world, what would it be?

5. What would you want to achieve with your blog, if anything?

6. Why did you start blogging in the first place?

7. Have you ever been in love? If so, tell your story. If not, describe your perfect love-scenario.

8. What are some of your favorite posts of all time?

9. What’s your favorite and least favorite thing about blogging?

10. What made you want to write? (And by that I mean any type of writing, not just blogging or whatever.)

Nominees:

1. Endearingly Wacko

2. Jessie Reyna

3. Angst Anarchy

4. Refractory Ramblings From the Dark Side

5. Shit Denise Says

6. Alice at Wonderland

7. Properly Ridiculous

Coming Hungover Into 2015: Happy(ish) New Year, Everybody.

(I was supposed to post this earlier this morning but I died yesterday around 2:00am and finally had to kick my ass out of bed. Because that’s how much I care.)

I might be dead right now. I’m not completely sure.

I decided to make Long Island Iced Teas on New Year’s Eve, but with really cheap alcohol and barely any Coke. (Also I forgot the Triple Sec, but in all honesty, I have no clue what that is anyway.)

Everything here was around $10, except for the Bacardi because I can't resist a bargain.
Everything here was around $10, except for the Bacardi because I can’t resist the half-gallon.

One thing that really pissed me off though was that stupid bottle of 1800 tequila. It has a cork-thing as a top and after struggling with it for about 200 years, it popped open and covered me in stinky fucking tequila. I almost barfed right there because I forgot how that is the smell of being disgustingly hungover.

Originally, I’d bought all this alcohol for a group of friends to have over that night. I spent all day meticulously cleaning my apartment (I found so much stuff Alessandro and I lost over the past 8 months, it was scary), and busting my ass to make nice food and bullshit, but of course my friends are total dicks and didn’t come.

Too afraid of D.U.I.’s or whatever… bitches.

Anyways, I thought about how I never really make New Year’s resolutions but if I’m going to start, they’re gonna be things that I TRULY wanna do so that I actually do them. None of this “lose weight, volunteer, stop beating your wife” bullshit. Real resolutions.

My 2015 Resolutions:

1. “Kill people, burn shit, fuck school.”

Cause that’s what Tyler the Creator says and, frankly, I have to agree.

2. Start smoking everywhere I want, no matter how inappropriate or not-allowed.

For example, the children’s ward at the hospital, church, maybe even in a bar.

Kim Jong-Un is smoking inside a hospital because he knows what he wants out of life.
Kim Jong-Un is smoking inside a hospital because he knows what he wants out of life.

3. Take Eminem’s advice on EVERYTHING.

(But like 2000-era Eminem. Not him today. He went soft.)

Eminem advice gif

4. Live every day like it’s the first 30 minutes of “Intervention”.

Before they actually give the intervention.

5. See how long I can go without taking a shower.

My current record is like 5 days. You’d be amazed how little others notice about your hygeine.

Well, that’s it. Remember that you can enter the contest here: Rafflecopter.com (or comment on this post) and win a $25 gift card to these places. Good luck and Happy New Year/Funny Blog Friday!!!

fbf-3

Check Out The Crew:

Victoria of Angst Anarchy

Alanna of White Girls Be Like…

Jamie of Fits of Wit

Jessie of Jessie Reyna & Jessie Janelle Reyna

HE Ellis of HE Ellis

Ben of Ben’s Bitter Blog

Gina of Endearingly Wacko

Eric of Opticynicism

Jenn of Properly Ridiculous

Alice of Alice At Wonderland

Lisa of Buddhaful Britt

JC of JCS Bloggery

Sarah of No Cry Babies

Elke of The Pretty Platform

Jack of The Things I see Up Here

Chicks A & E of Too Funny Chicks

Charly of Crazy Life

Kevin of Trailer Trash Deluxe

Karilin of That Nameless Color

Arthur of Pouring My Art Out

All I Want For Christmas Is To Get Crunk.

(Remember when people used to say “crunk”? I think it was a mix between “chronic” and “drunk”. I prefer the term “drigh”. You do the math.)

Ahh, that takes me back…

Anyways, I’m always a little late with Christmas presents. I never know what to get my family because my mom goes shopping every single day and my step dad never speaks to me. Alessandro just says, “You,” when I ask him what he wants. (Plus or minus some dirty stuff.)

But me?

I always know what the fuck I want.

Sometimes my list sounds like the lyrics to a Christmas hip-hop song, but regardless… it’s better to know what kind of liquor someone wants under the tree instead of having to guess. Speaking of which, I finally put up my tree:

I have so many Barbie ornaments, I can't even count them. At least not if I don't feel like it.
I have so many Barbie ornaments, I can’t even count them. At least not if I don’t feel like it.

(Side note: I’m currently listening to Wham’s “Last Christmas” and dancing with my head because, honestly, how can you not?)

My REAL Christmas list might be unorthodox but here it is…

Alanna’s Christmas List:

1. To be 19 again.

(Because why wouldn’t you?)

2. Really good cocaine.

Don’t judge me. I don’t live in Florida so it’s hard to get and Philadelphians screw you on it. I’d settle for lots of adderall, though.

3. To hang out with my great aunt Lil one last time and share a glass of her world-famous egg nog.

She made it with pretty much every alcohol ever created. You'd be wasted after one glass.
She made it with pretty much every alcohol ever created. You’d be wasted after one glass.

She died a couple years ago, but lived a fantastic life up until the day before she turned 98. The most badass person I’ve ever encountered.

4. To see Led Zeppelin perform live in concert.

(Don’t even get me started on Robert Plant’s unwillingness to sign a fucking contract. WHO TURNS DOWN $800 MILLION DOLLARS?!?!?!??!?!??!?!)

5. $1,000,000

6. To hang out with my best friends.

We're all high.
We’re all high.

I miss my dawgs.

But that’s about it. I could deal with more or less, but the essentials are there. Although the Dirty Boyz know what’s good when it comes to Christmas lists…

“Dear Santa I’ve been very good this year
can you make them two felonies on my record disappear
All I want for Christmas is peace in the ‘hood
And an old-school-candy-painted Cadillac Fleetwood”

Merry Christmas to all my ho-ho-ho’s!

I’m Grateful For Things That Never Stop Being Funny

(According to me. If you disagree or would like to add some, please type it loud and proud in the comments. Or evaluate me on a psychological basis. It’s up to you.)

This is my gratuitous “What I’m Thankful For” post. Though often trite, these posts are necessary to mankind because we’re all usually ungrateful dicks. So here’s my list of things that I’m thankful for never ceasing to make me laugh.

1. Poop.

Self-explanatory. If you disagree, you clearly don’t know any gastroenterologists.

2. “Today Show” Fails.

Drunk people on morning tv? Never gets old. Specifically ANYTHING Matt Lauer does or says. The man is a god.

Matt Lauer good cheese gif

3. Cats doing anything.

Need I say more?

4. Twitter.

Funny Tweet 2

5. Farts.

6. The Clip of George W. Bush Dodging That Shoe.

George W Bush shoe throw gif

7. Drunk Animals on YouTube.

Look it up. You won’t be sorry.

8. Larry David.

Larry David faint gif

9. The Movie “Super Troopers”.

You can agree or not. I’ll still be laughing.

10. Henry Winkler.

Just because. It’s like asking “Why is poop funny?” It just is.

11. People Falling.

Risky Business Fall gif

12. Tina Fey And Amy Poehler Together.

They’re amazing. I wish I had a best gal pal.

Tina Fey Amy Poehler gif

So that’s my list. What about you people? What never stops being funny to you?

These guys stay pretty funny #FBF:

Victoria of Angst Anarchy

Alanna of White Girls Be Like…

Jamie of Fits of Wit

Jessie of Jessie Reyna & Jessie Janelle Reyna

HE Ellis of HE Ellis

Ben of Ben’s Bitter Blog

Jenn of Properly Ridiculous

Alice of Alice At Wonderland

Lisa of Buddhaful Britt

JC of JCS Bloggery

Sarah of No Cry Babies

Elke of The Pretty Platform

Jack of The Things I see Up Here

Chicks A & E of Too Funny Chicks

Charly of Crazy Life

Kevin of Trailer Trash Deluxe

Karilin of That Nameless Color

Arthur of Pouring My Art Out

Gina of Endearingly Wacko

Eric of Opticynicism

HAPPY FUNNY BLACK/BLOG FRIDAY!