(I was supposed to post this earlier this morning but I died yesterday around 2:00am and finally had to kick my ass out of bed. Because that’s how much I care.)
I might be dead right now. I’m not completely sure.
I decided to make Long Island Iced Teas on New Year’s Eve, but with really cheap alcohol and barely any Coke. (Also I forgot the Triple Sec, but in all honesty, I have no clue what that is anyway.)
One thing that really pissed me off though was that stupid bottle of 1800 tequila. It has a cork-thing as a top and after struggling with it for about 200 years, it popped open and covered me in stinky fucking tequila. I almost barfed right there because I forgot how that is the smell of being disgustingly hungover.
Originally, I’d bought all this alcohol for a group of friends to have over that night. I spent all day meticulously cleaning my apartment (I found so much stuff Alessandro and I lost over the past 8 months, it was scary), and busting my ass to make nice food and bullshit, but of course my friends are total dicks and didn’t come.
Too afraid of D.U.I.’s or whatever… bitches.
Anyways, I thought about how I never really make New Year’s resolutions but if I’m going to start, they’re gonna be things that I TRULY wanna do so that I actually do them. None of this “lose weight, volunteer, stop beating your wife” bullshit. Real resolutions.
My 2015 Resolutions:
1. “Kill people, burn shit, fuck school.”
Cause that’s what Tyler the Creator says and, frankly, I have to agree.
2. Start smoking everywhere I want, no matter how inappropriate or not-allowed.
For example, the children’s ward at the hospital, church, maybe even in a bar.
3. Take Eminem’s advice on EVERYTHING.
(But like 2000-era Eminem. Not him today. He went soft.)
4. Live every day like it’s the first 30 minutes of “Intervention”.
Before they actually give the intervention.
5. See how long I can go without taking a shower.
My current record is like 5 days. You’d be amazed how little others notice about your hygeine.
Well, that’s it. Remember that you can enter the contest here: Rafflecopter.com (or comment on this post) and win a $25 gift card to these places. Good luck and Happy New Year/Funny Blog Friday!!!
(Remember when people used to say “crunk”? I think it was a mix between “chronic” and “drunk”. I prefer the term “drigh”. You do the math.)
Ahh, that takes me back…
Anyways, I’m always a little late with Christmas presents. I never know what to get my family because my mom goes shopping every single day and my step dad never speaks to me. Alessandro just says, “You,” when I ask him what he wants. (Plus or minus some dirty stuff.)
I always know what the fuck I want.
Sometimes my list sounds like the lyrics to a Christmas hip-hop song, but regardless… it’s better to know what kind of liquor someone wants under the tree instead of having to guess. Speaking of which, I finally put up my tree:
(Side note: I’m currently listening to Wham’s “Last Christmas” and dancing with my head because, honestly, how can you not?)
My REAL Christmas list might be unorthodox but here it is…
Alanna’s Christmas List:
1. To be 19 again.
(Because why wouldn’t you?)
2. Really good cocaine.
Don’t judge me. I don’t live in Florida so it’s hard to get and Philadelphians screw you on it. I’d settle for lots of adderall, though.
3. To hang out with my great aunt Lil one last time and share a glass of her world-famous egg nog.
She died a couple years ago, but lived a fantastic life up until the day before she turned 98. The most badass person I’ve ever encountered.
4. To see Led Zeppelin perform live in concert.
(Don’t even get me started on Robert Plant’s unwillingness to sign a fucking contract. WHO TURNS DOWN $800 MILLION DOLLARS?!?!?!??!?!??!?!)
6. To hang out with my best friends.
I miss my dawgs.
But that’s about it. I could deal with more or less, but the essentials are there. Although the Dirty Boyz know what’s good when it comes to Christmas lists…
“Dear Santa I’ve been very good this year can you make them two felonies on my record disappear All I want for Christmas is peace in the ‘hood And an old-school-candy-painted Cadillac Fleetwood”
(According to me. If you disagree or would like to add some, please type it loud and proud in the comments. Or evaluate me on a psychological basis. It’s up to you.)
This is my gratuitous “What I’m Thankful For” post. Though often trite, these posts are necessary to mankind because we’re all usually ungrateful dicks. So here’s my list of things that I’m thankful for never ceasing to make me laugh.
Self-explanatory. If you disagree, you clearly don’t know any gastroenterologists.
2. “Today Show” Fails.
Drunk people on morning tv? Never gets old. Specifically ANYTHING Matt Lauer does or says. The man is a god.
3. Cats doing anything.
Need I say more?
6. The Clip of George W. Bush Dodging That Shoe.
7. Drunk Animals on YouTube.
Look it up. You won’t be sorry.
8. Larry David.
9. The Movie “Super Troopers”.
You can agree or not. I’ll still be laughing.
10. Henry Winkler.
Just because. It’s like asking “Why is poop funny?” It just is.
11. People Falling.
12. Tina Fey And Amy Poehler Together.
They’re amazing. I wish I had a best gal pal.
So that’s my list. What about you people? What never stops being funny to you?
(Seriously. Go Google it right now. I’m all over those search results.)
Google Analytics is a nifty little service. It’s like Facebook stalking for my own blog, but I don’t know who I’m stalking. All I know is that as far as the internet is concerned… I am “bullshit”. (“Bullshit” being spelled many different ways, however. You people need to learn how to spell. Although I admire your creativity. Never stop being you.)
At least I know if I ever write a book, my opening line can be “Call me Bullshit.” Because that is my name, my life, and apparently my writing.
A lot of the search terms contained “tumblr” and “quotes” and obviously “bullshit”, but there were certain ones that stood out as hilarious, awesome, or just plain confusing that I’d like to share now (in no particular order). (There was more but we’d be here all day.)
Drinking games you can play alone (Obviously. I wrote an entire post on this.)
Catholic crushing guilt (Again.)
My parents are terrible people
Alcohol for white girls (Uhmm… okay, try “everything”?)
I’m an asshole (Hahaha.)
Shark week Halloween
I’m coming for you (People are scary.)
Before all else be armed
Is the pope Catholic? (I thought we established this.) I like you but you be on that bullshit (This might be my fave.)
Life sucks (I’m sorry.)
I need a new heart
Rambo you just don’t turn it off
My boyfriend sucks
Watch the fuck out
Fuck you asshole
Hey hey my my (Somebody was probably searching for Neil Young.)
Coors Light has cocaine in it (WTF?! You people are crazy.)
Common white girl tweets
My best friend has replaced me
It’s my birthday buy me a beer
Things to make you vomit
Stupid white girls
I fuck therefore I am (You can’t argue with that philosophy.)
Girls taking all their clothes off (…wow.)
Grave of Frank Sinatra
Statutory care (I don’t know what this is.)
Can of bullshit
George Carlin in Hell (You don’t know that for sure.)
I want you Bill Murray (Same.)
Why Pennsylvania sucks (I totally explain this all the time.)
Homemade girls gone wild (Confusing because do they mean “homemade girls”?)
Fuck it I’m out
How to get away with murder
Haven’t showered in 2 days (Truuee.)
I need to be fucked
I love Alanna (How sweet! Also, I found this website: ilovealanna.com)
How do I know if I’m iron deficient
Oh this is bullshit peeps
Real parking tickets
You have failed this city (Am I the Batman? I don’t know how this happened.)
If you mustache it’s my birthday (Lol K?)
I rule the world
Quotes for trying times (I like how this is worded haha.)
Everybody get in here
I am incompetent
Ice bucket challenge boner
I don’t wanna go back to college
Beware of girls
I feel like the worst person in the world (Well I might be considering this list.)
How many people can do it like me (I don’t know, excellent question.)
I want you inside me
Rape sloth (Bahaha WHAT?)
Penis (Nuff said.)
Religion makes you stupid
Black girls wanna cracker
Stupid girls be like
You think you’re the pope (How so?)
Sleeping in class like a boss
I’m watching you (…)
I’m a bitch
Hey google when is my birthday (How don’t you know?)
Fuck redhead gif (Gross.)
Fuck my white ass (Gross the sequel.)
Evil ryu pictures (What is “ryu”?)
So, people of the interweb, thank you again for making me laugh. If you have any idea what some of these mean, please let me know, gracias.
They’re all wonderful and very different blogs, but they share one common thing: they like me. As far as I’m concerned, that makes you a hero. Seriously though, they’re all great writers and fascinating people who make me laugh, cry, or just see life from a whole new perspective.
I’m relatively new to the blogging game, but everyone has been so awesome and welcoming. You guys have no idea how your words touch me and brighten my day. I really am grateful to have found like-minded people here who wanna talk, give me advice, or just say “hey”. Thank you all for your kind, inspiring, and hilarious words, and thank you for reading this. If you ever meet me in real life and need anything, I’m totally here for you. Thanks again to my wonderful nominators (Fits of Wit, Refractory Ramblings From The Darkside, and Serpentine is Here)!! You guys are amazing <3
Here Are The Rules:
1. You must thank the person who nominated you and include a link to their blog.
2. You must list the rules.
3. You must add 7 facts about yourself.
4. You must nominate 15 other bloggers and comment on one of their posts to let them know they have been nominated.
5. You must display the award logo and follow the blogger who nominated you.
7 Facts About Me:
1. My hair is so long that I have to tie it up to go to the bathroom.
2. I’ve only been to 4 different states outside Pennsylvania (where I live): Maryland, Virginia, New Jersey, and Delaware (also technically New York, but only because I went to New York City for the day which I don’t actually count).
3. I’ve been keeping journals since I was about 6 years old, but one time in 8th grade, I had this crazy freak-out renaissance-thing where I burned all my old journals in a glorious blaze and was re-born from the ashes. (I thought that if I started writing more like an adult who had their shit together, my life would follow suit. I was wrong… I pretty much went back to nonsense after a few months.)
4. I was engaged when I was 18 years old because teenagers are really smart…
5. My entire family is from South Jersey, right outside of Philadelphia, and my parents were both one of 6 children so my family is huge. I feel bad because I don’t go to see them even close to as much as I should, but only because I hate driving for that long. (Not even a good excuse.)
6. I was recently(ish) diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I don’t totally understand it yet, but it scares the Hell out of me.
7. I might be an alcoholic (you’ve probably noticed), but I prefer the term “alcohol enthusiast” because I’m not ready to deal with it yet. Lol.
Here are the blogs I’m nominating. I follow so many amazing blogs, and I’d love to nominate so many of them, but these are just some of my favorites, my friends, or some that I really enjoy. If you nominated me, you won’t be on here, but you totally would be if you hadn’t hit me up first. :)
(Besides the fact that laziness is a lifestyle, and I live that life to the fullest. Doing absolutely nothing like it’s 1999.)
A lot of people talk about how my generation doesn’t wanna do anything except watch television or play on our phones (they are not wrong), but sometimes I actually work towards something and then get derailed because everyone and everything is stupid. (Not you guys, though. You guys are perfect in every way.)
I haven’t had much time/ambition/ideas lately because the universe is trying to kill me with stupid freaking occurrences that are completely out of my control. (Or perhaps my own fault.)
1. I am in a state of un-laughingness that I cannot seem to escape.
Generally, I’m in a constant state of laughs. Everything is hilarious (except when it’s not) and I live to enjoy the funny. Right now, however, I am all seriousness and I’m not sure why. I’ve heard that with borderline personality disorder, you tend to dissociate from your feelings to avoid dealing with unpleasant situations, so that’s a possibility. I can’t really tell if I’m sad, angry, or just hungry. (Like one of those sad middle-class teenagers on Tumblr.)
2. I’m in a battle of wills with my father and I think I’m losing.
So the continuing saga of “Alanna Versus Daddy” marches onward. He’s being immature and telling me that my smoking and drinking and general lifestyle choices are wrong and I’m saying, “Why don’t we just talk this out over a couple drinks?”
(But he doesn’t drink, so it would be more like, “Why don’t we just settle this over a few hours of rigorous exercise, sharing stories about our high school glory days, and wrap it all up with ‘The O’Reilly Factor’ and a prayer?”)
Because he would totally be into that.
Except for the fact that he’s actually really fucking pissed and all he keeps telling me (only through email because my father won’t answer my calls) that I’m “incapable of telling the truth” and have never learned “obedience”. There is a definite possibility that he is slightly correct, but only in certain situations. For instance, if I’m walking home from the bar and a cop asks me how much I’ve had to drink, I’d respond with, “Only one glass, officer. Thank you for your concern.” Or if my mom looks at my eyes and asks what I’ve been doing, I say, “Oh my goshhhh, nothing! I’m just tired, okay?!?”
Regardless, I miss my daddy, and even though he is mad at me I still love him and want to be friends. I would totally wave the white flag for my homie.
3. Sad things just keep fucking happening for no goddamn reason!
I don’t think there’s ever been a time of peace in the Middle East, so I try to avoid news about it, but there’s some bad guys over there doing some bad bullshit and it’s really uncool. Plus, Joan Rivers died, and that’s so fucked up.
(The list of people I’ve always wanted to meet upon becoming famous is rapidly shrinking. If Bob Dylan dies, I don’t even know what I’d do. Probably die of heartbreak, which I think is just called “Broken Heart Syndrome” but somebody should definitely come up with a better name for it. Stupid scientists…)
Also, [my boyfriend] is always at work or school so we have very little time together, and my professor assigned a paper about a “religious political cartoon” but I never ever ever can comprehend what the hell those stupid things are trying to say, so I shall surely fail.
4. The ghosts in my attic are back, and they’re being super uncool.
I went up there a few weeks ago and had a chat with them, telling them how I get that they need their own space and it’s probably shitty being dead and they can totally hang out as long as they’re not too loud or scary. But just like a ghost, they’re being loud, stomping around the attic when I’m trying to sleep, and moving stuff that I don’t want moved.
They’re like children, these fuckers.
5. My friends are ignoring me.
I don’t know if it’s on purpose or if they’re just busy BECAUSE NO ONE WILL FUCKING TALK TO ME. What’s the deal, guys? Are you mad? Did I do something wrong? What can I do to help?
BUT I DON’T KNOW BECAUSE NO ONE WILL ANSWER. Maybe they got together with my dad and were all like, “Yo, how funny would it be if we just totally stopped talking to Alanna and just let her go crazy wondering why? Let’s all do that because we’re jerks.”
(That’s probably how that conversation went down.)
Thankfully, I’ve been making friends with my neighbors (who, despite being much older than myself, are all awesome and friendly and like to smoke cigs and drink with me UNLIKE MY SO-CALLED FRIENDS OR FAMILY!!!!!!). So that’s been cool. It’s good to be around people that are similar to yourself.
Basically, all this nonsense has kept me from blogging and/or responding to comments and reading other peoples’ blogs. I need to find more humor-oriented blogs, so if anyone has any suggestions please let me know. Meanwhile, I’ll be here. Waving onion grass around my attic to keep the ghosts away, and crying in my bedroom about how not even my parents wanna talk to me while I re-blog sad pictures on Tumblr.
Such is life, I suppose. (At least that’s what Jason Bateman keeps saying to me in my dreams. He is so wise inside my brain.)
(Well, some of them require other people. Use your imagination.)
In honor of Labor Day (which I totally forgot about until 2 days ago), this post is about drinking. Hopefully right now, you’re getting wasted at a neighborhood barbecue or drinking beer in front of your television (like me, because you don’t have any friends).
When I drink, I tend to stay up all night by myself after everyone else goes to bed, so I’ve developed some awesome drinking games that you can play by yourself. Also some fun ones that nobody else (as far as I know) has ever thought of. I hate most drinking games because you can only play “Purple” or “King’s Cup” so many times before you’re like, “Let’s just drink every time someone says the word ‘the’.” I personally don’t really need drinking games.
(My favorite is called “Just Drink, Pussy”.)
But people seem to like them, so I’m gonna share a couple with you. The best one, in my opinion, is a game you play by yourself when everyone else goes to bed (or you’re just really bored).
1. The Picture Game
I need to think of a better title, but here it is. You’re gonna need yourself, a camera (on a phone, computer, or otherwise) and of course, booze. I prefer using the built-in camera of my laptop because then I can make a bunch of faces and hit the “Snap Picture” button like it’s going off to war. The only real goal of this game is to amuse yourself and have recorded evidence of what you’re like while drunk. (For instance, I discovered that when I’m drinking, my sort-of-lazy eye comes out.) Here’s an example of a night a few months ago where I played the game:
There were literally like 100 more pictures, but I only put in these to save time. (Because I love you all.)
2. Drunk “Simon Says”
I know it doesn’t sound that awesome, but I’ve convinced enough people to play who now agree that it is. Especially if you’re “Simon”. (You can watch all your friends make themselves look like assholes, and they enjoy it.) All you need for this one is about 3 or more people. I suppose you could play with 2, but that’s lame. The best is when you’ve got a nice-sized group.
If you don’t already know the rules, one person is “Simon” and stands in front of everyone else. They use commands like “Simon says cut off your arm”, but if “Simon” doesn’t say “Simon Says…” (i.e. just “Cut off your arm”), then whoever follows the command has to drink. At the end, the last person not passed out on the floor becomes the new “Simon”.
3. Drunk “Newlywed Game”
This one is great if you’re hanging out with couples and one person is single. No longer are you the fifth wheel, singles! You should probably have at least 4 people (they don’t necessarily have to be couples, but it makes more sense), lots of paper, and pens. Also, you’ll need to come up with some questions to ask, which can either be the normal boring ones, or dirty gross/private ones. (The latter is more fun.) I would provide some examples, but you can think of your own funny questions.
4. Rock, Paper, Scissors, Drink
Self-explanatory. You lose, you drink.
So there you go. It’s a short list, but I’m not that creative. One idea I had written down for this was “Drink Till You’re Dry”, and I honestly cannot remember what that means. (I was drunk.) Anyway, have a great Labor Day everybody!!