Wanna Find Me? Just Search For “Bullshit”.

(Seriously. Go Google it right now. I’m all over those search results.)

Google Analytics is a nifty little service. It’s like Facebook stalking for my own blog, but I don’t know who I’m stalking. All I know is that as far as the internet is concerned… I am “bullshit”. (“Bullshit” being spelled many different ways, however. You people need to learn how to spell. Although I admire your creativity. Never stop being you.)

At least I know if I ever write a book, my opening line can be “Call me Bullshit.” Because that is my name, my life, and apparently my writing.

This is an example of just SOME of the search terms that lead you to me. I made this in paint. Don't judge me.
This is an example of just SOME of the search terms that lead you to me. I made this in paint. Don’t judge me.

A lot of the search terms contained “tumblr” and “quotes” and obviously “bullshit”, but there were certain ones that stood out as hilarious, awesome, or just plain confusing that I’d like to share now (in no particular order). (There was more but we’d be here all day.)

Drinking games you can play alone (Obviously. I wrote an entire post on this.)
Catholic crushing guilt (Again.)
My parents are terrible people
Alcohol for white girls (Uhmm… okay, try “everything”?)
I’m an asshole (Hahaha.)
Shark week Halloween
I’m coming for you (People are scary.)
Before all else be armed
Is the pope Catholic? (I thought we established this.)
I like you but you be on that bullshit (This might be my fave.)
Pumpkin mustache
Life sucks (I’m sorry.)
I need a new heart
Rambo you just don’t turn it off
My boyfriend sucks
Watch the fuck out
Fuck you asshole
Hey hey my my (Somebody was probably searching for Neil Young.)
Coors Light has cocaine in it (WTF?! You people are crazy.)
Common white girl tweets
My best friend has replaced me
It’s my birthday buy me a beer
Things to make you vomit
Eating tacos
Stupid white girls
I fuck therefore I am (You can’t argue with that philosophy.)
Girls taking all their clothes off (…wow.)
Grave of Frank Sinatra
Eddie Munster
Statutory care (I don’t know what this is.)
Loves comedy
Can of bullshit
George Carlin in Hell (You don’t know that for sure.)
I want you Bill Murray (Same.)
Why Pennsylvania sucks (I totally explain this all the time.)
Homemade girls gone wild (Confusing because do they mean “homemade girls”?)
Fuck it I’m out
How to get away with murder
Tisk tisk
Haven’t showered in 2 days (Truuee.)
I need to be fucked
I love Alanna (How sweet! Also, I found this website: ilovealanna.com)
How do I know if I’m iron deficient
Wasted people
Oh this is bullshit peeps
Real parking tickets
You have failed this city (Am I the Batman? I don’t know how this happened.)
If you mustache it’s my birthday (Lol K?)
I rule the world
Quotes for trying times (I like how this is worded haha.)
Dalek pumpkin
Everybody get in here
I am incompetent
Ice bucket challenge boner
I don’t wanna go back to college
Beware of girls
I feel like the worst person in the world (Well I might be considering this list.)
How many people can do it like me (I don’t know, excellent question.)
I want you inside me
Rape sloth (Bahaha WHAT?)
Penis (Nuff said.)
Professional pervert
Religion makes you stupid
Black girls wanna cracker
Stupid girls be like
Arsenic poisoning
You think you’re the pope (How so?)
Sleeping in class like a boss
I’m watching you (…)
I’m a bitch
Hey google when is my birthday (How don’t you know?)
Fuck redhead gif (Gross.)
Fuck my white ass (Gross the sequel.)
Evil ryu pictures (What is “ryu”?)

So, people of the interweb, thank you again for making me laugh. If you have any idea what some of these mean, please let me know, gracias.

sweet dee tumblr gif

You Guys Are Lovely, And I Love You All.

(Seriously. You’re amazing. I’d kiss every one of you if I could “Blue Skadoo” into the internet. Get to work, science.)

So, I was nominated for the One Lovely Blog Award by 3 amazing people: Fits of Wit, Refractory Ramblings From The Darkside, and Serpentine is Here. Follow them now. Like, right now. Don’t make me come to your house and kill you. (Just kidding. You know I love you. Just to be safe, though…)

They’re all wonderful and very different blogs, but they share one common thing: they like me. As far as I’m concerned, that makes you a hero. Seriously though, they’re all great writers and fascinating people who make me laugh, cry, or just see life from a whole new perspective.

I’m relatively new to the blogging game, but everyone has been so awesome and welcoming. You guys have no idea how your words touch me and brighten my day. I really am grateful to have found like-minded people here who wanna talk, give me advice, or just say “hey”. Thank you all for your kind, inspiring, and hilarious words, and thank you for reading this. If you ever meet me in real life and need anything, I’m totally here for you. Thanks again to my wonderful nominators (Fits of Wit, Refractory Ramblings From The Darkside, and Serpentine is Here)!! You guys are amazing <3

one_lovely_blog_award

Here Are The Rules:

1. You must thank the person who nominated you and include a link to their blog.

2. You must list the rules.

3. You must add 7 facts about yourself.

4. You must nominate 15 other bloggers and comment on one of their posts to let them know they have been nominated.

5. You must display the award logo and follow the blogger who nominated you.

7 Facts About Me:

1. My hair is so long that I have to tie it up to go to the bathroom.

2. I’ve only been to 4 different states outside Pennsylvania (where I live): Maryland, Virginia, New Jersey, and Delaware (also technically New York, but only because I went to New York City for the day which I don’t actually count).

3. I’ve been keeping journals since I was about 6 years old, but one time in 8th grade, I had this crazy freak-out renaissance-thing where I burned all my old journals in a glorious blaze and was re-born from the ashes. (I thought that if I started writing more like an adult who had their shit together, my life would follow suit. I was wrong… I pretty much went back to nonsense after a few months.)

4. I was engaged when I was 18 years old because teenagers are really smart…

5. My entire family is from South Jersey, right outside of Philadelphia, and my parents were both one of 6 children so my family is huge. I feel bad because I don’t go to see them even close to as much as I should, but only because I hate driving for that long. (Not even a good excuse.)

6. I was recently(ish) diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I don’t totally understand it yet, but it scares the Hell out of me.

7. I might be an alcoholic (you’ve probably noticed), but I prefer the term “alcohol enthusiast” because I’m not ready to deal with it yet. Lol.

Here are the blogs I’m nominating. I follow so many amazing blogs, and I’d love to nominate so many of them, but these are just some of my favorites, my friends, or some that I really enjoy. If you nominated me, you won’t be on here, but you totally would be if you hadn’t hit me up first. :)

Nominees:

Angst Anarchy

Jessie Reyna

The Real VD

F.A.G.

So, I Read This Book Today

Weddings & Wanderlust

Ben’s Bitter Blog

See, there’s this thing called biology…

Abby Has Issues

meganelizabethmorales

The Truth Shall Set You Free So Don’t Be A Crybaby

Too Funny Chicks

lulufille

Writing Seventeen

takingthemaskoff

Well, that’s it for me now. I’ll post again either tonight or sometime this weekend. Thanks again, everybody!! I love you all <3

Stupid Reasons Why Life Is Interfering With My Blog.

(Besides the fact that laziness is a lifestyle, and I live that life to the fullest. Doing absolutely nothing like it’s 1999.)

A lot of people talk about how my generation doesn’t wanna do anything except watch television or play on our phones (they are not wrong), but sometimes I actually work towards something and then get derailed because everyone and everything is stupid. (Not you guys, though. You guys are perfect in every way.)

I haven’t had much time/ambition/ideas lately because the universe is trying to kill me with stupid freaking occurrences that are completely out of my control. (Or perhaps my own fault.)

1. I am in a state of un-laughingness that I cannot seem to escape.

Generally, I’m in a constant state of laughs. Everything is hilarious (except when it’s not) and I live to enjoy the funny. Right now, however, I am all seriousness and I’m not sure why. I’ve heard that with borderline personality disorder, you tend to dissociate from your feelings to avoid dealing with unpleasant situations, so that’s a possibility. I can’t really tell if I’m sad, angry, or just hungry. (Like one of those sad middle-class teenagers on Tumblr.)

Indeed, nameless hobo. Indeed.
Indeed, nameless hobo. Indeed.

2. I’m in a battle of wills with my father and I think I’m losing.

So the continuing saga of “Alanna Versus Daddy” marches onward. He’s being immature and telling me that my smoking and drinking and general lifestyle choices are wrong and I’m saying, “Why don’t we just talk this out over a couple drinks?”

(But he doesn’t drink, so it would be more like, “Why don’t we just settle this over a few hours of rigorous exercise, sharing stories about our high school glory days, and wrap it all up with ‘The O’Reilly Factor’ and a prayer?”)

Because he would totally be into that.

Except for the fact that he’s actually really fucking pissed and all he keeps telling me (only through email because my father won’t answer my calls) that I’m “incapable of telling the truth” and have never learned “obedience”. There is a definite possibility that he is slightly correct, but only in certain situations. For instance, if I’m walking home from the bar and a cop asks me how much I’ve had to drink, I’d respond with, “Only one glass, officer. Thank you for your concern.” Or if my mom looks at my eyes and asks what I’ve been doing, I say, “Oh my goshhhh, nothing! I’m just tired, okay?!?”

Regardless, I miss my daddy, and even though he is mad at me I still love him and want to be friends. I would totally wave the white flag for my homie.

Chilling since the beginning.
Chilling since the beginning.

3. Sad things just keep fucking happening for no goddamn reason!

I don’t think there’s ever been a time of peace in the Middle East, so I try to avoid news about it, but there’s some bad guys over there doing some bad bullshit and it’s really uncool. Plus, Joan Rivers died, and that’s so fucked up.

(The list of people I’ve always wanted to meet upon becoming famous is rapidly shrinking. If Bob Dylan dies, I don’t even know what I’d do. Probably die of heartbreak, which I think is just called “Broken Heart Syndrome” but somebody should definitely come up with a better name for it. Stupid scientists…)

Also, [my boyfriend] is always at work or school so we have very little time together, and my professor assigned a paper about a “religious political cartoon” but I never ever ever can comprehend what the hell those stupid things are trying to say, so I shall surely fail.

4. The ghosts in my attic are back, and they’re being super uncool.

I went up there a few weeks ago and had a chat with them, telling them how I get that they need their own space and it’s probably shitty being dead and they can totally hang out as long as they’re not too loud or scary. But just like a ghost, they’re being loud, stomping around the attic when I’m trying to sleep, and moving stuff that I don’t want moved.

They’re like children, these fuckers.

(No, you ARE stupid. Damn ghosts... I should exorcise you.)
(No, you ARE stupid. Damn ghosts… I should exorcise you.)

5. My friends are ignoring me.

I don’t know if it’s on purpose or if they’re just busy BECAUSE NO ONE WILL FUCKING TALK TO ME. What’s the deal, guys? Are you mad? Did I do something wrong? What can I do to help?

BUT I DON’T KNOW BECAUSE NO ONE WILL ANSWER. Maybe they got together with my dad and were all like, “Yo, how funny would it be if we just totally stopped talking to Alanna and just let her go crazy wondering why? Let’s all do that because we’re jerks.”

(That’s probably how that conversation went down.)

Thankfully, I’ve been making friends with my neighbors (who, despite being much older than myself, are all awesome and friendly and like to smoke cigs and drink with me UNLIKE MY SO-CALLED FRIENDS OR FAMILY!!!!!!). So that’s been cool. It’s good to be around people that are similar to yourself.

Old Ladies

Basically, all this nonsense has kept me from blogging and/or responding to comments and reading other peoples’ blogs. I need to find more humor-oriented blogs, so if anyone has any suggestions please let me know. Meanwhile, I’ll be here. Waving onion grass around my attic to keep the ghosts away, and crying in my bedroom about how not even my parents wanna talk to me while I re-blog sad pictures on Tumblr.

Such is life, I suppose. (At least that’s what Jason Bateman keeps saying to me in my dreams. He is so wise inside my brain.)

The Greatest Drinking Games You’ll Ever Play. Even If You’re Drinking Alone.

(Well, some of them require other people. Use your imagination.)

In honor of Labor Day (which I totally forgot about until 2 days ago), this post is about drinking. Hopefully right now, you’re getting wasted at a neighborhood barbecue or drinking beer in front of your television (like me, because you don’t have any friends).

When I drink, I tend to stay up all night by myself after everyone else goes to bed, so I’ve developed some awesome drinking games that you can play by yourself. Also some fun ones that nobody else (as far as I know) has ever thought of. I hate most drinking games because you can only play “Purple” or “King’s Cup” so many times before you’re like, “Let’s just drink every time someone says the word ‘the’.” I personally don’t really need drinking games.

(My favorite is called “Just Drink, Pussy”.)

But people seem to like them, so I’m gonna share a couple with you. The best one, in my opinion, is a game you play by yourself when everyone else goes to bed (or you’re just really bored).

1. The Picture Game

I need to think of a better title, but here it is. You’re gonna need yourself, a camera (on a phone, computer, or otherwise) and of course, booze. I prefer using the built-in camera of my laptop because then I can make a bunch of faces and hit the “Snap Picture” button like it’s going off to war. The only real goal of this game is to amuse yourself and have recorded evidence of what you’re like while drunk. (For instance, I discovered that when I’m drinking, my sort-of-lazy eye comes out.) Here’s an example of a night a few months ago where I played the game:

Picture Drinking Game. (Click that shit. You’ll laugh, I promise)

There were literally like 100 more pictures, but I only put in these to save time. (Because I love you all.)

2. Drunk “Simon Says”

I know it doesn’t sound that awesome, but I’ve convinced enough people to play who now agree that it is. Especially if you’re “Simon”. (You can watch all your friends make themselves look like assholes, and they enjoy it.) All you need for this one is about 3 or more people. I suppose you could play with 2, but that’s lame. The best is when you’ve got a nice-sized group.

If you don’t already know the rules, one person is “Simon” and stands in front of everyone else. They use commands like “Simon says cut off your arm”, but if “Simon” doesn’t say “Simon Says…” (i.e. just “Cut off your arm”), then whoever follows the command has to drink. At the end, the last person not passed out on the floor becomes the new “Simon”.

I don't know why these people are in their underpants.
I don’t know why these people are in their underpants.

3. Drunk “Newlywed Game”

This one is great if you’re hanging out with couples and one person is single. No longer are you the fifth wheel, singles! You should probably have at least 4 people (they don’t necessarily have to be couples, but it makes more sense), lots of paper, and pens. Also, you’ll need to come up with some questions to ask, which can either be the normal boring ones, or dirty gross/private ones. (The latter is more fun.) I would provide some examples, but you can think of your own funny questions.

4. Rock, Paper, Scissors, Drink

Self-explanatory. You lose, you drink.

So there you go. It’s a short list, but I’m not that creative. One idea I had written down for this was “Drink Till You’re Dry”, and I honestly cannot remember what that means. (I was drunk.) Anyway, have a great Labor Day everybody!!

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And So Begins The Learning. Beware.

(“Sir, I am too old to learn.” Said Kent in William Shakespeare’s King Lear. I am inclined to agree.)

Of course, today was excruciatingly hot outside. Perfect conditions for classroom swamp-ass. All the freshmen were hopping around in excitement, unaware that the next 4 years of their lives will be shitty.

On the bright side, we got new planners for this year that feature pictures of the student body (weird, but whatever) and I am totally in there! It’s hilarious!

You can barely see me and it's on the very last page but still... SUCCESS!!
You can barely see me and it’s on the very last page but still… SUCCESS!!

In sophomore year, the housing people got confused and put me in the freshmen dorms. It was really fun because they were so cute at first and looked up to me like I was their queen. There were a lot of kids from India and they would call my name (“Ah-lah-na!”) and it would instantly bring a smile to my face. The only bad thing was when I rejected the advances of my R.A., he got all weird and accused me of keying and kicking his car.

(As though I EVER owned a pair of Vans sneakers… how rude.)

Although I did in fact draw a penis on his official R.A. picture on the first day there, but he didn’t even notice until like a month into school. Then when he replaced it with another one, I drew two penises. Haha :P

This is only a recreation of the original, but you get the point. My penis-drawing skills are wanting.
This is only a recreation of the original, but you get the point.

It was a good year. I met the love of my life that year ([my boyfriend]), and had a great group of friends who could’ve made up the cast of a multi-cam sitcom. Then a couple of them joined a fraternity (ughh), and some others left our campus or graduated. Now I’m in my “senior year” (I put that in quotes because I’ll definitely be making up credits for the rest of my life), and I’d like to share some quotes about college as well as some general wisdom:

1. “I imagine that one of the biggest troubles with colleges is there are too many distractions, too much panty-raiding, fraternities, and boola-boola and all of that.” -Malcom X

So true. Fraternities are evil and partying is the reason I do great on tests/papers but have bad grades because I’m too hungover to show up. I can’t say I do this myself, but the successful kids are able to prioritize and keep self-discipline.

2. “You can’t learn to write in college. It’s a very bad place for writers because the teachers always think they know more than you do—and they don’t.” -Ray Bradbury

Also very true. But sometimes not. Sometimes, the teachers do know more than you do. That can mean one of two things: either you’re still learning and developing your voice/style, or you’re just a bad writer. If the latter is true, I’m sorry. Maybe you can write textbooks or for your local newspaper. However, if you’re counted among the former, don’t listen to people who tell you you’re shit or give you bad grades. Sometimes you have to write the bullshit that your professor will like rather than what is actually good. I had a class last year where the teacher knocked off points for happy fucking endings. (?) It’s all nonsense.

3. “I’m a man of leisure. That’s because I have an English degree and can’t get a job.” -Jarod Kintz

It sounds stupid, but despite the current job market, just pick a major you’re going to enjoy. I probably should have been pre-law, but I also would have jumped off a building by now. Even though I’m a slacker, I enjoy my classes. It makes college a million times easier.

4. “I mean that they (students) should not play life, or study it merely, while the community supports them at this expensive game, but earnestly live it from beginning to end. How could youths better learn to live than by at once trying the experiment of living? Methinks this would exercise their minds as much as mathematics.” -Henry David Thoreau

Oh, hey, that’d be great, Thoreau! Unfortunately we live in the real world and chilling on a pond for a while (and going home to mommy every weekend, by the way, which he totally did) doesn’t put a degree in your hand. Even though college sucks, it’s good for you. Like going to church or eating your vegetables. But if you do go to college, still live your life. It often feels like you’re in a waiting room filled with drunk children for 4 years, but if you step outside, take a walk, and remember this is still your life, things won’t be so bad.

5. “In your temporary failure there is no evidence that you may not yet be a better scholar, and a more successful man in the great struggle of life, than many others, who have entered college more easily.” -Abraham Lincoln

Just because you didn’t get into a top school (or even a university) or you’re having trouble with classes or WHATEVER, doesn’t mean you’re stupid. You rock. You’re smart. Fuck the admissions people and your professor who thinks Nietzsche is the only philosopher worth paying attention to and gave you a “D” on your paper glorifying Aristotle. Dumbasses get into Harvard and geniuses have gone to community college. As long as you try, that’s all that matters.

6. “Thought and knowledge are natures in which apparatus and pretension avail nothing. Gowns, and pecuniary foundations, though of towns of gold, can never countervail the least sentence or syllable of wit. Forget this, and out American colleges will recede in their public importance whilst they grow richer every year.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Again, it doesn’t matter where you go. An education is an education, and all the fanfare of major colleges is bullshit. The only thing that matters is your own thirst for knowledge and how you choose to implement the information you’re receiving. College is supposed to breed curiosity, not pageantry.

Well, that’s all I have to say on the matter. A lot of the quotes I found were stupid or redundant, so this is what I have. Make all the mistakes, drink all the beer, have as much (safe) sex as you can. Enjoy that shit.

Also, I started a store on Zazzle, so check it out. I’ve only made like 2 things so far but you can customize your own merchandise and create your own store for free! it’s mad cool.

Adios, for now. Love y’all. :)

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