You People Probably Don’t Even Know What This Is.

Alanna and 98 mercury tracer

’98 Mercury Tracer. My love <3

Stupid Reasons Why Life Is Interfering With My Blog.

(Besides the fact that laziness is a lifestyle, and I live that life to the fullest. Doing absolutely nothing like it’s 1999.)

A lot of people talk about how my generation doesn’t wanna do anything except watch television or play on our phones (they are not wrong), but sometimes I actually work towards something and then get derailed because everyone and everything is stupid. (Not you guys, though. You guys are perfect in every way.)

I haven’t had much time/ambition/ideas lately because the universe is trying to kill me with stupid freaking occurrences that are completely out of my control. (Or perhaps my own fault.)

1. I am in a state of un-laughingness that I cannot seem to escape.

Generally, I’m in a constant state of laughs. Everything is hilarious (except when it’s not) and I live to enjoy the funny. Right now, however, I am all seriousness and I’m not sure why. I’ve heard that with borderline personality disorder, you tend to dissociate from your feelings to avoid dealing with unpleasant situations, so that’s a possibility. I can’t really tell if I’m sad, angry, or just hungry. (Like one of those sad middle-class teenagers on Tumblr.)

Indeed, nameless hobo. Indeed.
Indeed, nameless hobo. Indeed.

2. I’m in a battle of wills with my father and I think I’m losing.

So the continuing saga of “Alanna Versus Daddy” marches onward. He’s being immature and telling me that my smoking and drinking and general lifestyle choices are wrong and I’m saying, “Why don’t we just talk this out over a couple drinks?”

(But he doesn’t drink, so it would be more like, “Why don’t we just settle this over a few hours of rigorous exercise, sharing stories about our high school glory days, and wrap it all up with ‘The O’Reilly Factor’ and a prayer?”)

Because he would totally be into that.

Except for the fact that he’s actually really fucking pissed and all he keeps telling me (only through email because my father won’t answer my calls) that I’m “incapable of telling the truth” and have never learned “obedience”. There is a definite possibility that he is slightly correct, but only in certain situations. For instance, if I’m walking home from the bar and a cop asks me how much I’ve had to drink, I’d respond with, “Only one glass, officer. Thank you for your concern.” Or if my mom looks at my eyes and asks what I’ve been doing, I say, “Oh my goshhhh, nothing! I’m just tired, okay?!?”

Regardless, I miss my daddy, and even though he is mad at me I still love him and want to be friends. I would totally wave the white flag for my homie.

Chilling since the beginning.
Chilling since the beginning.

3. Sad things just keep fucking happening for no goddamn reason!

I don’t think there’s ever been a time of peace in the Middle East, so I try to avoid news about it, but there’s some bad guys over there doing some bad bullshit and it’s really uncool. Plus, Joan Rivers died, and that’s so fucked up.

(The list of people I’ve always wanted to meet upon becoming famous is rapidly shrinking. If Bob Dylan dies, I don’t even know what I’d do. Probably die of heartbreak, which I think is just called “Broken Heart Syndrome” but somebody should definitely come up with a better name for it. Stupid scientists…)

Also, [my boyfriend] is always at work or school so we have very little time together, and my professor assigned a paper about a “religious political cartoon” but I never ever ever can comprehend what the hell those stupid things are trying to say, so I shall surely fail.

4. The ghosts in my attic are back, and they’re being super uncool.

I went up there a few weeks ago and had a chat with them, telling them how I get that they need their own space and it’s probably shitty being dead and they can totally hang out as long as they’re not too loud or scary. But just like a ghost, they’re being loud, stomping around the attic when I’m trying to sleep, and moving stuff that I don’t want moved.

They’re like children, these fuckers.

(No, you ARE stupid. Damn ghosts... I should exorcise you.)
(No, you ARE stupid. Damn ghosts… I should exorcise you.)

5. My friends are ignoring me.

I don’t know if it’s on purpose or if they’re just busy BECAUSE NO ONE WILL FUCKING TALK TO ME. What’s the deal, guys? Are you mad? Did I do something wrong? What can I do to help?

BUT I DON’T KNOW BECAUSE NO ONE WILL ANSWER. Maybe they got together with my dad and were all like, “Yo, how funny would it be if we just totally stopped talking to Alanna and just let her go crazy wondering why? Let’s all do that because we’re jerks.”

(That’s probably how that conversation went down.)

Thankfully, I’ve been making friends with my neighbors (who, despite being much older than myself, are all awesome and friendly and like to smoke cigs and drink with me UNLIKE MY SO-CALLED FRIENDS OR FAMILY!!!!!!). So that’s been cool. It’s good to be around people that are similar to yourself.

Old Ladies

Basically, all this nonsense has kept me from blogging and/or responding to comments and reading other peoples’ blogs. I need to find more humor-oriented blogs, so if anyone has any suggestions please let me know. Meanwhile, I’ll be here. Waving onion grass around my attic to keep the ghosts away, and crying in my bedroom about how not even my parents wanna talk to me while I re-blog sad pictures on Tumblr.

Such is life, I suppose. (At least that’s what Jason Bateman keeps saying to me in my dreams. He is so wise inside my brain.)

“Is The Pope Catholic?” “Uhh… I Dunno, Are You Too Stupid Think Of A Better Rhetorical Question?”

(The answer is “yes”. If you use this poor example of sarcasm, I probably hate you.)

I just got back from my first religion class in 3 years, and I already creeped out my professor by asking him some questions after class. I was just trying to ask about the assignments and if we get extra credit for going to church, but things took a turn because I got nervous and started rambling and I think I said something offensive.

He looked at me like he was worried I’d follow him to his car and murder him. This is exactly why I shouldn’t be allowed to talk to other human beings.

Anyway, I started thinking about my own religion (if you don’t know this already, I’m a Catholic) and how it has shaped my life and pretty much my entire personality.

So today I’m here to talk about this really fun thing called “Catholic Guilt”.

And trust me folks, it’s not just some urban legend designed to justify why most of us are self-loathing and make for good television characters (i.e. Jack Donaghy on “30 Rock”).

"There is a crushing guilt that comes with being a Catholic. Whether things are good or bad, or you are simply eating tacos in the park, there is always the crushing guilt."
“There is a crushing guilt that comes with being a Catholic. Whether things are good or bad, or you are simply eating tacos in the park, there is always the crushing guilt.”

Always. I cannot stress enough how serious this is. Especially when your parents are 2 extremely “devout” hard-core Catholics who like to tell you how much of a sinner you are, even though they are terrible people themselves. It’s not their fault, though. They also have the guilt, they’re just more asshole-ish about it.

My dad sent me an email the other day (man I wish I kept all of them because they’re all so hilarious and mean) that basically said I’m shitty and will most likely go to Hell. I’ve included bits of it here (excluding the super racist parts, though, as well as correcting spelling and grammar) so you can see what I’m talking about:

“It is the story of where the “arrogant ___” defied God’s direction (except Caleb) and he became so angry, none of their generation was permitted to see the promised land…and even Moses was punished (because he allowed them to send spies rather than simply taking direction).
If you do not honor your mother and your father you shall surely die…
If you will not learn to control what goes into your mouth [I laughed out loud here] and what comes out of your mouth you will not be able to control anything.
If the only man to ever talk to God “face to face” can be punished, so can you….
32 But for all this, you did not trust the LORD your God, 33 who goes before you on your way, to seek out a place for you to encamp, in fire by night and cloud by day, to show you the way in which you should go‘…
36 except Caleb the son of Jephunneh; he shall see it, and to him and to his sons I will give the land on which he has set foot, because he has followed the LORD fully. 37 The LORD was angry with me also on your account, saying, “Not even you shall enter there. 38 Joshua the son of Nun, who stands before you, he shall enter there; encourage him, for he will cause Israel to inherit it”‘…
I will not help you defy the Lord so that I will be punished…
You will do what is right even if ‘you don’t want to be told what to do’ (in your arrogance) or you will be a true ‘orphan’. [What a dick.]
I have reached the end of my tolerance.”

My dad uses a lot of ellipses. Maybe that’s where I get it…

So now you kind of can see where I’m coming from. It’s great because this isn’t even a good example of how real things get. In all honesty, I have no clue why he’s mad. I probably didn’t answer the phone when my mom called…?

"Tisk, tisk."
“Tisk, tisk.”

Despite the fact that I’m not sure what I did wrong, I still feel bad. Sometimes I feel like I understand those Japanese people who kill themselves when they get a “B” on a test. I do in fact have many short-comings, but I try to ignore them and pretend I’m awesome. That’s where the Catholic guilt comes into play: a constant reminder that you’re not as great as you think you are.

(Even as I’m typing this, I really want some whiskey. But the liquor store is closed and now I feel guilty because I’m bugging [my boyfriend] to take me to the bar. He’s getting annoyed and sighing a lot. Lame.)

Oh well. Only 9 more hours until the liquor store opens. :)

Peeping Pope

Peace be with all y’all.