(Yes, my relationship is over but my love affair with alcohol will never die. Remember: people come and go but liver damage is forever.)
This September, Alessandro and I celebrated our four-year anniversary. We met on campus in my sophomore year of college and moved in together after a little over a year as we continued our education together. Things were good. It was easy. Considering my love of dysfunction, I should’ve realized something wasn’t quite right.
Make no mistake, in this story I am the bad guy. We met just as I ended my first relationship and I hopped into this one without really giving myself time to think or grieve or remember to go to class. Sure, I loved him, but not enough to imagine a future together or to not feel the need to talk to other guys. (I KNOW I’M THE WORST, SHUT UP ABOUT IT.) Anyways, recently we started to see we didn’t have enough money to keep living in our apartment together so we both moved back in with our parents and decided to call it quits.
It’s weird being alone after 7 years of boyfriends. I still have my friends but sometimes you just wanna tell someone that you found a really long nose hair or saw a bumper sticker that said “I brake for wet leaves”, and you go to pick up your phone to send the news but you realize nobody except your significant other would even care, and suddenly you’re like,
“Shit… I really am alone.”
Then you start to ask yourself what you used to do before you had someone to chill with 24/7 and your mind becomes that scene from SpongeBob Squarepants where he’s trying to remember his name.
With that in mind, I’ve developed a few more drinking games you can play by yourself because who’s about to stop you? Certainly not your significant other because you’re alone and no one loves you.
Drinking Games to Play Alone:
Download Tinder. Take a drink every time you swipe right, chug if it’s a match.
Go through your phone, Facebook, picture library, etc. and drink whenever you delete a picture of your ex. (Because that’s how you win. At drinking AND at life.)
Make a list of all your past lovers/significant others/crushes and text ALL OF THEM. Drink if they text you back. Chug if they hit you up for a booty call.
This one’s obvious and possibly overused but open Chat Roulette, Omegle, whatever else they have now and shuffle through the people. Drink whenever you see a penis.
Solo Beer Pong: All you need for this is a table, a wall, cups, and ping pong balls. Put the table against the wall and arrange cups in front of you the way you normally would in beer pong but only your side. Use the table and the wall to bounce the balls into your own cups. Drink when you make the shot, etc. (normal rules apply).
Turn on one of your favorite (or least favorite) movies or tv shows. Make your own drinking game!! (It’s fun.) For example, I used to make drinking games for the Presidential debates but I was too good at them and I almost got alcohol poisoning so I stopped. (I’m actually thinking about making a whole series of drinking games for movies and tv shows to put on this blog so if you have any requests, leave them in the comments below.)
Put your playlist on shuffle. Try for mostly love songs. Drink every time you cry. (This also works for sad movies and looking through the aforementioned pictures of your ex as well.)
Well, that’s all I have for now. If you want more, refer to my last post about drinking games to play alone. It’s a decent read. If you have any ideas you’d like to share, feel free to leave them in the comments below. And remember: you’re never alone when there’s booze and twitter.
(Not much has changed. I might actually be less funny and relevant now. But I’m older, so ya know… silver linings.)
Two years ago today (well, technically it was August 2nd but let’s not bust balls), I wrong my first blog post for this dumb little site all because my dad said that I wouldn’t follow through with it. So much beauty sprung from spite.
It’s like a poem.
My first post was pretty bad. I rambled on for multiple paragraphs about lion terrorists and how I peed myself in my car and looking back, I have to wonder what the hell was I thinking? That girl sounded like she was on drugs and honestly she probably was.
Anyways, as I’ve looked over the vast empire of bullshit I’ve built these past two years, I’ve noticed that you all seem to really like reading about the stupid stuff I get into when I get drunk and sad, so you’re all basically reveling in my sorrows and addictions. Shame. On. You. I wag my finger in your general direction. You also have a deep interest in drinking games you can play by yourself which tells me two things: 1) I need to write another post with new and improved solo-drinking games, and 2) A lot of you must be drinking alone or at least enough that it might be a problem so I understand the need to commiserate.
Another thing I used to do a lot is list a few choice search terms that led people to my blog, and no matter how long I write on the internet, I’ll never get used to the crazy, funny, and mostly disgusting phrases typed into search engines. (I clearly use the word “bitch” waayyy too much so the blame is partly on me.) Now without further ado, here’s some search terms that somehow brought you here in 2016 so far:
1. solo drinking games; drinking games to play alone; drinking games to play by yourself; one person drinking games (You see what I mean?)
2. do i go banging on peoples doors asking for them to suck my penis america? (Fabulous)
3. your pussy aint worth the fames you playing (I don’t understand what it’s saying, but somehow my feelings still hurt.)
4. teens kitten twitter (I realize this seems harmless, but I don’t trust it.)
5. fuck yall all i need is jesus
6. officially bullshit (Refer to my “Bullshit” post.)
7. i just love my all fucking haters
8. twitter typical white girl funny scary video of phone ringing in bed (…What??)
9. what does the expression mean when they say i’m not always a bitch just kidding go fuck yourself (This should be self-explanatory, I’m disappointed in whoever wrote this.)
10. dee you bitch (Lol, an “Always Sunny” reference never fails to warm my heart.)
11. guess who’s not going back to high school (Frenchie? But seriously, take that guy’s advice: “Turn in your teasing comb and go back to high school.”)
12. bitch am not into you (…Whatever, I’m not into you either. Mean.)
So there you go. Two years of bullshit and not much has changed. Keep an eye out for my next drinking game post because I might do another giveaway with money and giftcards and perhaps a featured blogger contest.
Thanks again for being a part of the nonsense with me all this time. Come for the pumpkin spice, stay for the unadulterated crazy.
(Jimmy Buffett & Rupert Holmes knew what they were talking about. I just figured out how to make mixed drinks with my NutriBullet so I think it’s safe to say I’m getting my life together.)
Hello, my darlings. It’s been a long time. I’ve longed to feel your sweet caress against my parietal lobe. Or whatever part of your brain can see blog notifications. Once again, the world has taken me hostage with homework (avoiding it), bleakness on the news, and the fact that I JUST discovered “vlogging”.
It’s blogging, but with videos. (Otherwise known as crack.)
Supposedly, vlogging has been around for over a decade but as far as I’m concerned, it’s the new hip thang yo. Sure, I used Youtube for listening to music, but I had absolutely no idea there was so much awesome stuff out there.
Ghost hunters, conspiracy theory videos (my long lost love), and people reacting to things… it’s like I was in an internet-coma and finally woke up. It’s actually making me consider making my own “vlog” but I’m not totally sure how to do that and I don’t know if anybody would bother watching because my life is terribly boring.
I could vlog about the ghosts in my attic? Although they’re not too talkative these days. My hope is that they’ve moved on to heaven or whatever but it’s more likely they’ve decided to haunt more interesting/less-talkative type people.
(Perhaps my Burmese nextdoor neighbors? A nice spooking with the added benefit of being introduced to a different and fascinating culture. Good for you, ghosts. Eat, Pray, Love and all that.)
The other reason I’ve been absent is because school. It’s trying to kill me but I remain strong. Plus I’ve been getting involved with people and things which is completely out of character for me.
For example, one night I had rum and pina colada mix and my Nutribullet was like, “Hey there pretty lady, ya know you can add those ingredients to me with ice and have a party,” and I was like, “OMG WHY HAVEN’T I THOUGHT OF THIS BEFORE?!?!?!” And my Nutribullet said, “Because you’re not the sharpest blade in the blender,” and I was like, “Good one, Nutribullet.” So I took the advice of a household appliance and got pretty tipsy on some delicious iced cocktails.
Then I was all pissed cause Alessandro was watching Fox News and the world is getting on my nerves with political nonsense so I thought to myself (out loud), “Why don’t I write a letter to people and tell them to shut up because they’re being annoying?” and Alessandro was like, “You should do that,” but I wasn’t talking to him so I said, “I wasn’t talking to you,” and set to work on writing a rum-and-stupidity-fueled piece to Thought Catalog(which I had no idea that they’d publish because I mean come on, but they did).
Anyways, I made the mistake of assuming nobody in my real life pays attention to me or what I do on social media so I posted the link on my actual Facebook page. Somehow, people saw it and then started seeing links to my blog and my instagram and twitter for my blog, and now everyone(ish) I’ve ever known since high school found me and is following my stuff.
“Why is that bad?” you might ask. Well, if you’ve been following me or know my writing even a little bit, you know my candor vis-a-vis the people I know in real life and how I say terrible things about them as well as revealing many secrets about myself. So whether it’s libel or slander or just being a dick (because what I say is true so technically it’s not libellous), I’m gonna piss a lot of people off.
Have you guys ever posted something you’ve later come to regret? Or have stories of family and friends kill you for what you write?
Tell me about it in the comments. Or come to my house and chat because that’s how easy it is to find me now.
(Jk. I showered in the interim. But only because the back of my head turned into a giant dreadlock and my cat fell in the toilet. It’s been a tough month.)
This isn’t really a cohesive post because I’ve been sick and I have to go back to school next week and I want to jump off a cliff. I’ve been hiding in bed with Rufus (my giant stuffed dog), Nyquil, and large bags of chips. It’s also come to my attention that I’ve gained weight because apparently when you turn 23 you can’t sit around eating bullshit and drinking entire cases of beer anymore.
Not to mention that evvverrryyything is falling apart. Over Christmas, Diane Kitten decided to celebrate the holidays by eating tinsel and scoot around the apartment dragging a long shiny string from her butt with a little turd ball on the end, and I couldn’t even snap a picture because everything was happening so fast and my body was in a laughter-seizure.
Then for the New Year (and because she only drinks water that poses adventure), she was sitting on the bathroom sink watching me pee (it’s weird, I know, shut up) and when I got up, SHE JUMPED INTO THE GODDAMN TOILET. I screamed and she screamed and it was totally madness (not at all Sparta), but luckily Alessandro ran in and saved the day by fishing her out and covering all of us in my urine.
In light of all this crazy, I barely did any work on my novel, washed none of my clothes, didn’t clean my house at all (except for the bathroom), and wasted my entire break in bed/playing Grand Theft Auto V. Also, my body is turning on me because for the very first time in my life I threw up after drinking.
So now I have to lose weight, stop drinking, do my laundry, and find a new therapist. (The one I see at school for free is great, but she’s really nice and I tend to lie to her so she doesn’t see how nuts I am. How are you supposed to tell a sweet little Christian lady your opinions on the best methods of torture/execution or details of the dirty dream you had about your cousin?)
You can read all about it in my book. If I ever actually finish.
Anyways, so I don’t bum you guys out too hard, I’ll end with a conversation between me and myself which Alessandro so rudely interrupted…
ME: They say, “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth”, but why the Hell not? Are they self-conscious about their teeth or bad breath or something? And if so, somebody give them a mint and some Crest White Strips. Or is it because they’ll bite you and then they wouldn’t technically be a “gift horse” but rather a “punishment horse”?
ME: Or is the expression, “Don’t PUNCH a gift horse in the mouth”? Because at least that would make sense. Nobody likes being punched in the mouth, including gift horses. Also, what even is a “gift horse”? I have to look this up…
ME:[Making a verbal reminder on my cell phone] “Lookup ‘gift horse’. And the expression about it.” I’m picturing a horse with a fancy hat that rides into towns in the Wild West, bringing gifts to all the good pioneer people, like a sort of equine Santa Claus. Unless you punched him in the mouth. In which case he comes to your house and takes a giant horse-dump in your stockings. Instead of coal.
ALESSANDRO:[Poking his head into the bedroom with a look of great confusion] Who the HELL are you talking to??! Are you alright?!?
ME: I’m reminding myself to lookup the origin of why you shouldn’t punch a gift horse in the mouth.
ALESSANDRO: It’s, “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.”
ME: Why not though?
ALESSANDRO: Because a horse’s teeth indicate how healthy it is, so if someone gives you a horse it’s considered rude to look at its mouth since you’re assuming they gave you a weak or sickly horse.
ME: Well then the saying should really be, “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth until after the person who gave you the gift horse leaves and then you can be all kind of judgemental about their crappy non-gift horse.”
ALESSANDRO: …Uhhh…. I guess so…
Exactly. Get with it, colloquialisms. Nobody wants to end up with a broken horse. (Actually… yes you do. Oh well. You guys know what I mean.)
(Maybe if the father was around, we wouldn’t be in this situation. I blame the system. And Penn State. Because when in doubt, blame Penn State.)
So it’s finally March and I’m hoping that the crippling darkness and cold will pass so I can once again emerge from my cave and rejoin humanity. Although I hope humanity gets hit in the head with a frying pan and gets out of this alternate state wherein they care about stupid shit.
Like the color of a goddamn dress. And 99.9% of what happens on Facebook.
Also, someone out there tricked me into seeing child pornography. The kid found my phone number somehow and snapchatted me a picture of his penis. Which begs the question…
DO I SEEM LIKE THE KIND OF PERSON YOU CAN SEND PICTURES OF YOUR DICK TO?!?!?!
(I pray the answer is “no”.)
Especially penises who are under 18. So if any of you jokers out there think you should, be advised: I will kill you. Because I refuse to be an “accidental felon”. If there is any crime to commit, it shall be my own choice. To paraphrase Eleanor Roosevelt, no one can make you a criminal without your consent.
In other news, Pennsylvania is an unfortunate place to live. Don’t come here. I totally got shafted trying to VOLUNTEER for Tom Wolf’s inaugural ceremony because I’m not a registered Democrat. I literally wasn’t allowed to volunteer because I’m a Republican. How much bullshit is that?!
A lot of bullshit. Is the answer to that question.
Plus, I’m buried in homework and almost out of oxygen. Because college is terrible.
But on the bright side, Pennsylvania has finally privatized the sale of liquor and stuff, so now I don’t have to go to the stupid state store which is always closed. And Spring Break starts on the 8th, so I’ll finally have some time to write on here again and possibly clean out my thousands of unread emails.
Anyways, thanks for hanging in there while I viciously neglected you all. Hopefully circumstance doesn’t kill me and I reclaim my life soon. The other night, I got super drunk and bought $40 worth of nail polish and a Wallflowers CD on Amazon. Be careful out there.
(Sort of. It’s kind of a mix between that, my ramblings, and Gina and I being awesome. So… you’re welcome.)
I’m sorry it’s been so long since I last posted. I’ve been wondering if I could pay someone to pretend to be me and take care of all my responsibilities while I sleep.
(I’m not having much luck.)
Also, I’m spending my Valentine’s Day watching tv and drinking by myself because Alessandro is too busy to hang out with me. (Like school and work are more important than me or something?) Therefore, my new boyfriend is a dog-shaped body pillow named “Rufus”. He never yells at me for the giant pile of laundry or tries to explain the math involved in fluid dynamics to me. Plus, he doesn’t judge me for day-drinking or spending too much money at McDonald’s.
My perfect man. <3
Another fun fact: as of February 2nd, I’ve been blogging for 7 months. (I missed my 6-month blogging anniversary, which by the way, is technically a misnomer. “Anniversary” implies a year, so I think they should make up a term for the 6-month mark rather than adding slang and Harry Potter words to the dictionary. But whatever, Merriam and/or Webster. I guess you have more important things to worry about. Like being dead.) You can read my very first post here and see how much I’ve changed. Although it hasn’t been much…
But I’d like to thank you all for staying with me through the ramblings and the nonsense. It truly means a lot. I hope you all stay around for another 7 months (and then hopefully after that as well).
That being said, Gina and I once again have embarked upon a joint-post. This time, it’s our various search terms which led to our blogs and our responses to them. Search terms are always fun, but I’ve gotta say, God bless Google Analytics.
1. it’s all fun and games until your jeans don’t fit
Gina: Oh man, I can’t even make fun of this one because I fall into this category. Have there been days when I’ve had to lie flat on my back to zip up my jeans? Yes. Yes there have. *whispers, “nearly every day”* *makes sad face*
2. I’m not always a bitch just kidding go fuck yourself
Gina: You know how often at the end of work emails you’ll see people put their company logo and some kind of positive sentiment? The Customer is Priority One! I would love to put this line as my personal motto.
Me: Yeah, I’ve got nothing.
3. classy stripper
Gina: Hmmm, yes, where to begin with these two words. They don’t go together of course. I’m trying to imagine what such a woman would look like. Would she wear a button-up blouse and pearls? Wear her hair in a tight bun? Discuss English literature with her patrons? Lady, if you are a stripper you can never be classy. I’m sorry to break the news to you but it’s true.
Me: Oxymoron? But then again, given my history with stripper poles and costume shoes, I’m not here to judge.
4. asshole award
Gina: We all know people who are deserving of an “Asshole Award”. When I first read this phrase for some reason my mind brought up an image of an actual AWARD. Like a trophy. How would you represent the “puckered starfish” in bronze I wondered? So I googled “asshole award” and the image below is not what I was looking for but it’s so amazingly awesome I had to share:
Me: Okay, I might be a jerk but I don’t think it deserves an award. Not totally sure Google likes me…
5. life is like a penis
Gina: Um, long periods of boredom spent in the dark with brief moments of pure ecstasy? Wait, life really IS like a penis. I had never thought of that before.
Me: Interesting analogy. I’d like to hear how exactly. In that it is hard sometimes? Or that it’s constantly needing some sort of “job” to be done? The possibilities are endless.
6. suck my dick I’m a shark
Gina: Wow, the whole aggressive “shark” stereotype is actually true. But I don’t like your tone, so there will be no shark fellatio for you.
Me: Do sharks even have dicks? And if so, how are you using a computer, Mr. Shark? You’re fins shouldn’t be able to type. Unless it’s voice recognition. But this is exactly what’s wrong with technology: if sharks have iPHone’s, the next step is the movie “Deep Blue Sea”. And that’s just too much for me to handle. (I don’t want LL Cool J to die!!)
7. Kim Jong-un looking at things he wants to eat
Gina: Considering he’s the only fat person in a country full of starving people, I image that a photo of what he wants to eat is actually what he DOES eat. (He is also an Asshole Award recipient)
Me: The Supreme Leader doesn’t eat. Right? Cause gods or whatever don’t need to eat. Or crap. Apparently.
8. pray for ugly baby
Gina: Um, I guess I can do that. Won’t God be a little put out at such a shallow prayer? Instead of the usual prayers of “heal my sick baby” or “don’t let my starving baby die” heard ‘round the world, you want me to try to pray away your bad genetics. OK, asshole (and I’ll be nominating you for an Asshole Award).
Me: Who the fuck is “ugly baby” and why does this lead to my blog?
9. I care so little I almost passed out
Gina: Wow, such snark. I just pictured a bitchy fifteen-year old girl uttering these words. It’s OK honey. You’re young and inexperienced. It’s a half-way decent insult for someone your age. Keep practicing and you’ll get better.
Me: I’m starting to think these inquiries are somehow pointed…
10. one vodka two vodka three vodka drop dead
Gina: True fact– this is the Dr. Seuss book that was never published. It was before it’s time. However, once it hits the shelves at a later date this year, it’s guaranteed to be a runaway bestseller. The deluxe hardback version will include a tiny vodka bottle keychain for the adults, which can also be used as a backpack hang-tag for kids.
Me: Only if you’re a pussy. Or if “one vodka” = “one 750mL-bottle of vodka”. But even then, it’s a maybe.
11. who needs tits with an ass like this shirt
Gina: I’ve read this sentence a dozen times and it makes me laugh, but seriously it makes no sense. You’d expect the line to be, “Who needs tits with an ass like this” but the addition of the word “shirt” makes it nonsensical. It’s still funny though…
Me: Flat-chested girls just making themselves feel better. The end.
12. things that make you vomit
Gina: Well, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the search term below comes directly after this one. Sometimes the humor just writes itself.
Me: Teenagers better not be coming here to learn how to be bulimic. IT’S CALLED “NOT EATING”, LADIES. LEARN HOW TO DO IT.
13. Larry David naked
Gina: Full disclosure—I love Larry David and think he’s hilarious, but damn, I’ve never wanted to imagine him naked. See search term above.
Me: Hahahahaha, why though? Why did you look this up? Shame on you, person. Ugly baby judges you.
14. hell is filled with people like you
Gina: I love this line and may steal it to use on people in the future.
Me: Yeah… this is really starting to seem pointed. Although not wrong.
15. don’t get a boner challenge
Gina: Oh my gosh, I wish this was a reality show. In general I don’t watch much reality TV but I would totally make an exception in this case. Can you say “ratings landslide”?
Me: I challenge every man around me to this every day. Your move, amigos. (Jk, that’s totally egotistical.)
16. the only package I want this Christmas is yours
Gina: Hahaha… this is so immature and awesome. I would use it on my husband but since he’s Russian, the humor would probably be lost on him. I would have to explain the slang meaning of “package”. If I said this exact phrase to him he’d think I was saying that I was looking forward to HIS Christmas gift the most. Sometimes it sucks to be married to a spouse whose first language isn’t English.
Me: Bahaha, people are excellent.
17. you give my middle finger an erection
Gina: Love this! Again, it’s immature but I love it. This comment stands on its own. I can add nothing more to it.
Me: Yeah, me neither.
18. I don’t give a fuck god sent me to piss the world off
Gina: I know SO MANY people who seem to subscribe to this belief. I think it may be a true statement. Thanks God. (Note—this person is also a likely Asshole Award recipient).
Me: I love that Eminem lyrics come to my blog. “Stop the tape! this kid needs to be locked away! DR.DRE, DON’T JUST STAND THERE, OPERATE!!!”
19. rape sloth birthday
Gina: Well, I’m pretty sure that this is the first time in the history of the world that these three words have been grouped together. I can’t even hazard a guess at what the person was searching for. Do they want to rape a sloth? Is it a sloth’s birthday? This makes my brain hurt.
Me: Ahhhh, readers. Did I tell you how much I love you already? Because I can’t stress that enough.
20. thank you for being the piss in my pants
Gina: This could be the inside sentiment of the worst Valentine’s Day card ever. Or depending on your sense of humor, perhaps the BEST Valentine’s Day card ever. Ugh, I’m thinking of those people with the “Golden Shower” fetish. Yeah, those people would love that card.
Me: You are quite welcome. Excellent insult, by the way.
(I was supposed to post this earlier this morning but I died yesterday around 2:00am and finally had to kick my ass out of bed. Because that’s how much I care.)
I might be dead right now. I’m not completely sure.
I decided to make Long Island Iced Teas on New Year’s Eve, but with really cheap alcohol and barely any Coke. (Also I forgot the Triple Sec, but in all honesty, I have no clue what that is anyway.)
One thing that really pissed me off though was that stupid bottle of 1800 tequila. It has a cork-thing as a top and after struggling with it for about 200 years, it popped open and covered me in stinky fucking tequila. I almost barfed right there because I forgot how that is the smell of being disgustingly hungover.
Originally, I’d bought all this alcohol for a group of friends to have over that night. I spent all day meticulously cleaning my apartment (I found so much stuff Alessandro and I lost over the past 8 months, it was scary), and busting my ass to make nice food and bullshit, but of course my friends are total dicks and didn’t come.
Too afraid of D.U.I.’s or whatever… bitches.
Anyways, I thought about how I never really make New Year’s resolutions but if I’m going to start, they’re gonna be things that I TRULY wanna do so that I actually do them. None of this “lose weight, volunteer, stop beating your wife” bullshit. Real resolutions.
My 2015 Resolutions:
1. “Kill people, burn shit, fuck school.”
Cause that’s what Tyler the Creator says and, frankly, I have to agree.
2. Start smoking everywhere I want, no matter how inappropriate or not-allowed.
For example, the children’s ward at the hospital, church, maybe even in a bar.
3. Take Eminem’s advice on EVERYTHING.
(But like 2000-era Eminem. Not him today. He went soft.)
4. Live every day like it’s the first 30 minutes of “Intervention”.
Before they actually give the intervention.
5. See how long I can go without taking a shower.
My current record is like 5 days. You’d be amazed how little others notice about your hygeine.
Well, that’s it. Remember that you can enter the contest here: Rafflecopter.com (or comment on this post) and win a $25 gift card to these places. Good luck and Happy New Year/Funny Blog Friday!!!