(‘Cause my life is blowing up. Much like [insert innapropriate reference here]. There’s really no joking about bombs. Unless they include Jäger. Which supposedly means “hunter” in German. Ergo, comedy + bombs = NEIN!!)
(Also, comedy + Germany = nahh. No offense, Germany. You just have yet to make people laugh.)
Anyways, I saw a tiny alligator today. That’s not my news but I feel like it should be mentioned.
Isn’t she cute? Also, she goes well with my neighbor’s camo shorts so she’s fashionable as far as alligators go. I’m assuming, of course. I don’t know how they dress.
But my news is totally non-gator-related. It’s actually pretty awesome and possibly unreal. Perhaps even irrational. (Maybe if an alligator bites me, I’ll wake up and realize it was all a dream like how last night I dreamt LeSean McCoy pooped on my shoes. Which is a story for another time.)
My big news is that I’m working with one of my professors to write a novel.
Seriously, though. Buy it. (Or else.) (Sike, not “Or else”. But maybe. You never know…)
So that’s why I probably won’t be writing much on here in the next few months. My book is gonna be about some serious stuff like mental illness and institutionalization and the like, but no worries folks; I’m only here to make you laugh. But in secret, I do have another side. It’s dark and crazy and a little bit sick. Maybe you’ll like it, though. So wish me luck and hope I get published.
If I make it as a writer, everybody’s getting a boat.
So, ya know… send good vibes. You might just get a boat.
(And who doesn’t love a nice boat?)
No one, that’s who.
Here’s a great song from one of the best Rolling Stones’ albums ever. Enjoy.
ATTENTION FELLOW BLOGGERS!!
(Or just people reading this. Not trying to exclude anyone here.)
Read this post by the lovely and talented Jessie Reyna and come join the party!! Or just check out the awesomeness and tune in to watch her awesome writing experiment. It’s gonna be spectacular.
Guaranteed or your money back.
(A complex man with complex thoughts and a sage-like wisdom, Kenneth Powers provides laughter to all and guidance to many.)
If you haven’t already seen one of the greatest television programs known to man, a.k.a. “Eastbound & Down“, you should stop what you’re doing immediately and run to your nearest HBO provider.
…I’ll wait.
For those of you who don’t know the story, it’s about a dude who became a huge baseball star after high school and then pissed his success away with drugs, ladies, and alcohol. “Several shitty years later”, he returns to his hometown, down on his luck.
“But a true champion, face to face in his darkest hour will do whatever it takes to rise above. A man fights, fights, and fights some more. Because surrender is death, and death is for pussies. And my ass ain’t no pussy. My ass is a fucking champion.“
Through his life and his audio book, Kenny Powers shows us how to live…
1. Confidence is key.
“Undaunted, I knew the game was mine to win. Just like in life, all of my successes depend on me. I’m the man who has the ball; I’m the man who can throw it faster than fuck. So, that is why I’m better than everyone in the world. Kiss my ass and suck my dick, everyone.”
2. Race is just a label.
“Honestly, I can’t even believe that you would look at me and the word ‘gringo’ would even come to mind. Does it make your life easier just to throw a quick racist term at somebody? A man who has seen the things I have seen, experienced the loss and pain that I’ve experienced. I transcend race, hombre.”
3. Work hard, play harder.
“I’m about to have a fuckin’ panic attack. I need four Xanax and two Miller Lights.”
4. The Yukon Denali XL is man’s greatest vehicular achievement.
“I got the glory. I get the fame, the money, the jewels, the cash, the Denali. Getting drunk on the reg, fucking good times on the reg, yachts on the reg, sex on the reg. Basically, all the shit that most men fantasize about.”
(Also, it’s my dream car. If this writing thing ever goes anywhere, I’m getting one.)
5. Take a break from technology and live your life.
Because you don’t need to have your headphones in ALL the time. We can hear your music and it’s very distracting.
6. Making money is important.
“The amount of money I’m gonna be making would hurt your parents feelings. You remember the class where I taught you all how to make it rain? That’s what I’m going to be doing every, single night. Dollar, dollar bills, y’all.”
7. You don’t have to be a Crossfit/P90x/gym-rat.
(I think this is even a meme now.)
8. Examine your weaknesses as well as your strengths.
“In Mexico, a man can truly get lost. And, if you’re a bank robber, or maybe someone who’s committed a fucked up, crazy crime, then that’s a good thing. But hiding takes it’s toll. At first you don’t realize it but, soon the identity that you tried to shed starts getting pissed and knocking at your insides. You know, when dealing with deep depression and sad shit, it’s cool to pretend like nothing is wrong. That, sometimes, works. But, eventually, you got to call a goddamn spade a spade and be like , ‘Yo, I’m fucked up and I got to make a change.'”
9. People will be dicks, but you don’t have to like everybody.
“You don’t like me? Well you’re the one with a fucking disability. It should be me not liking you, and yet I accept you. And you do this to me? Man, fuck you, you midget. I’m taking the fucking cocks.”
10. Things eventually get better.
“Chapter 10: Making the world your bitch. Once again, I’m with the hottest chick in town, buying the most expensive fashions, dining in the fanciest food places, riding around on goddam jet-skis, raining trim, hallucinogens, jet-skis again, throwing heat and getting laid. Did this tale end the way I thought it would? Probably not. But as long as I win, who gives a shit?”
There you have it. The wisdom of Kenny Powers. All of us could stand to take a lesson from this great man.
“So in closing, I’d like to give big ups to God, Buddha, L. Ron, whoever. Hell, maybe I just need to thank me. If there’s one thing I’ve learned through all my adventures and conquests is that some people are just wired for success. I had no choice when it came to being great. I just am great. I’m not trying to sound cocky, or full of myself. But, Kenny Powers has a sneaking suspicion that no matter what comes his way, he will always be great. Because that’s just the way shit works sometimes.”
(It’s another giveaway, and another Funny Blog Friday event!! You should be stoked. Let’s win some more gift cards, people!!!)
Well hello again, my friends. I’m giving away more money. And featuring more guest posts on my site. (If you’re down to submit a post, email me at alannabelike@gmail.com).
(If you just want the money, tune in on Friday.)
The only difference this time is that I want to hear your New Year’s Resolutions!!
I don’t care how crass, how personal, or how insignificant. I just wanna reblog your posts with your resolutions.
I also wanna give you gift cards from Amazon.com (Pick Your Poison)
