(Not much has changed. I might actually be less funny and relevant now. But I’m older, so ya know… silver linings.)
Two years ago today (well, technically it was August 2nd but let’s not bust balls), I wrong my first blog post for this dumb little site all because my dad said that I wouldn’t follow through with it. So much beauty sprung from spite.
It’s like a poem.
My first post was pretty bad. I rambled on for multiple paragraphs about lion terrorists and how I peed myself in my car and looking back, I have to wonder what the hell was I thinking? That girl sounded like she was on drugs and honestly she probably was.
Anyways, as I’ve looked over the vast empire of bullshit I’ve built these past two years, I’ve noticed that you all seem to really like reading about the stupid stuff I get into when I get drunk and sad, so you’re all basically reveling in my sorrows and addictions. Shame. On. You. I wag my finger in your general direction. You also have a deep interest in drinking games you can play by yourself which tells me two things: 1) I need to write another post with new and improved solo-drinking games, and 2) A lot of you must be drinking alone or at least enough that it might be a problem so I understand the need to commiserate.
Another thing I used to do a lot is list a few choice search terms that led people to my blog, and no matter how long I write on the internet, I’ll never get used to the crazy, funny, and mostly disgusting phrases typed into search engines. (I clearly use the word “bitch” waayyy too much so the blame is partly on me.) Now without further ado, here’s some search terms that somehow brought you here in 2016 so far:
1. solo drinking games; drinking games to play alone; drinking games to play by yourself; one person drinking games (You see what I mean?)
2. do i go banging on peoples doors asking for them to suck my penis america? (Fabulous)
3. your pussy aint worth the fames you playing (I don’t understand what it’s saying, but somehow my feelings still hurt.)
4. teens kitten twitter (I realize this seems harmless, but I don’t trust it.)
5. fuck yall all i need is jesus
6. officially bullshit (Refer to my “Bullshit” post.)
7. i just love my all fucking haters
8. twitter typical white girl funny scary video of phone ringing in bed (…What??)
9. what does the expression mean when they say i’m not always a bitch just kidding go fuck yourself (This should be self-explanatory, I’m disappointed in whoever wrote this.)
10. dee you bitch (Lol, an “Always Sunny” reference never fails to warm my heart.)
11. guess who’s not going back to high school (Frenchie? But seriously, take that guy’s advice: “Turn in your teasing comb and go back to high school.”)
12. bitch am not into you (…Whatever, I’m not into you either. Mean.)
So there you go. Two years of bullshit and not much has changed. Keep an eye out for my next drinking game post because I might do another giveaway with money and giftcards and perhaps a featured blogger contest.
Thanks again for being a part of the nonsense with me all this time. Come for the pumpkin spice, stay for the unadulterated crazy.
(Jimmy Buffett & Rupert Holmes knew what they were talking about. I just figured out how to make mixed drinks with my NutriBullet so I think it’s safe to say I’m getting my life together.)
Hello, my darlings. It’s been a long time. I’ve longed to feel your sweet caress against my parietal lobe. Or whatever part of your brain can see blog notifications. Once again, the world has taken me hostage with homework (avoiding it), bleakness on the news, and the fact that I JUST discovered “vlogging”.
It’s blogging, but with videos. (Otherwise known as crack.)
Supposedly, vlogging has been around for over a decade but as far as I’m concerned, it’s the new hip thang yo. Sure, I used Youtube for listening to music, but I had absolutely no idea there was so much awesome stuff out there.
Ghost hunters, conspiracy theory videos (my long lost love), and people reacting to things… it’s like I was in an internet-coma and finally woke up. It’s actually making me consider making my own “vlog” but I’m not totally sure how to do that and I don’t know if anybody would bother watching because my life is terribly boring.
I could vlog about the ghosts in my attic? Although they’re not too talkative these days. My hope is that they’ve moved on to heaven or whatever but it’s more likely they’ve decided to haunt more interesting/less-talkative type people.
(Perhaps my Burmese nextdoor neighbors? A nice spooking with the added benefit of being introduced to a different and fascinating culture. Good for you, ghosts. Eat, Pray, Love and all that.)
The other reason I’ve been absent is because school. It’s trying to kill me but I remain strong. Plus I’ve been getting involved with people and things which is completely out of character for me.
For example, one night I had rum and pina colada mix and my Nutribullet was like, “Hey there pretty lady, ya know you can add those ingredients to me with ice and have a party,” and I was like, “OMG WHY HAVEN’T I THOUGHT OF THIS BEFORE?!?!?!” And my Nutribullet said, “Because you’re not the sharpest blade in the blender,” and I was like, “Good one, Nutribullet.” So I took the advice of a household appliance and got pretty tipsy on some delicious iced cocktails.
Then I was all pissed cause Alessandro was watching Fox News and the world is getting on my nerves with political nonsense so I thought to myself (out loud), “Why don’t I write a letter to people and tell them to shut up because they’re being annoying?” and Alessandro was like, “You should do that,” but I wasn’t talking to him so I said, “I wasn’t talking to you,” and set to work on writing a rum-and-stupidity-fueled piece to Thought Catalog(which I had no idea that they’d publish because I mean come on, but they did).
Anyways, I made the mistake of assuming nobody in my real life pays attention to me or what I do on social media so I posted the link on my actual Facebook page. Somehow, people saw it and then started seeing links to my blog and my instagram and twitter for my blog, and now everyone(ish) I’ve ever known since high school found me and is following my stuff.
“Why is that bad?” you might ask. Well, if you’ve been following me or know my writing even a little bit, you know my candor vis-a-vis the people I know in real life and how I say terrible things about them as well as revealing many secrets about myself. So whether it’s libel or slander or just being a dick (because what I say is true so technically it’s not libellous), I’m gonna piss a lot of people off.
Have you guys ever posted something you’ve later come to regret? Or have stories of family and friends kill you for what you write?
Tell me about it in the comments. Or come to my house and chat because that’s how easy it is to find me now.
(I am currently experiencing terrible writer’s block though, so to make this post possible, I had to phone a friend. Like “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” but instead of money and prizes, everyone gets to read. Just as good, right?)
Lately I’ve had to read a bunch of depressing stuff about mental illness and suicidal teenagers, so my joking game is pretty weak. However, I’m lucky enough to be surrounded by a group of Humor Jedi masters, and the LOL’s are strong within them. I turned to my friend Colin for help on this FBF post after we recently had an extremely in-depth and meaningful discussion about my town putting in a new Chick-Fil-A.
Despite their openly anti-gay stance, he still eats there as much as possible because fast food trumps ideology any day. And even though they’re not open on Sunday’s, every day at Chick-Fil-A is the sabbath (according to Colin).
Some have criticized his unfaltering love of the establishment, but there will always be haters and also, YOLO.
So there you have it, folks. My half-assed Funny Blog Friday post, all thanks to my brother from another mother. Shout out to him and the rest of the FBF crew! <3
(Seriously, go read their posts, they actually put work into them.)
(Sometimes I feel like my whole life is about bacon. And I’m quite often correct in that feeling. That’s why you’re reading this right now. “Bacon” was my fault.)
If you’ve seen the buzz around here or read my last reblogged post, you already know about the experiment by the lovely and talented Jessie Janelle Reyna and her noun experiment. Today’s noun is “bacon”. Brought to you by the letter “B”.
I grew up with parents who ate extremely healthily(ish) so we never had bacon in the house.
(Unless it was Canadian bacon. Which bothered me. No offense, Canada. It’s just that your bacon kinda sucks.)
So now that I’m a “grownup”, I have bacon all the time. But contrary to popular belief, there can be such a thing as too much bacon, and I’m living it. My boyfriend (Alessandro) shares many commonalities with Ron Swanson: the mustache, the stubborn nonsense, and a love for bacon that rivals his love for me.
Bacon is in pretty much everything I eat because Alessandro uses bacon and bacon fat like other people use oil or salt. The other day I came into the kitchen and frying in the pan was the largest piece of bacon I’ve ever seen. About a foot long, 4 inches thick and 4 inches deep. (I should’ve taken a picture.)
My house is like this:
It’s scary. And often smells. It’s gotten to the point where I get nauseous if I smell pork cooking.
But that doesn’t matter. Because bacon is like crack so I eat it anyway.
Well, that’s all for me. Check out the crew of “Turn Noun For What?!” and read more about bacon and stuff.
ATTENTION FELLOW BLOGGERS!!
(Or just people reading this. Not trying to exclude anyone here.)
Read this post by the lovely and talented Jessie Reyna and come join the party!! Or just check out the awesomeness and tune in to watch her awesome writing experiment. It’s gonna be spectacular.
Guaranteed or your money back.
(Sort of. It’s kind of a mix between that, my ramblings, and Gina and I being awesome. So… you’re welcome.)
I’m sorry it’s been so long since I last posted. I’ve been wondering if I could pay someone to pretend to be me and take care of all my responsibilities while I sleep.
(I’m not having much luck.)
Also, I’m spending my Valentine’s Day watching tv and drinking by myself because Alessandro is too busy to hang out with me. (Like school and work are more important than me or something?) Therefore, my new boyfriend is a dog-shaped body pillow named “Rufus”. He never yells at me for the giant pile of laundry or tries to explain the math involved in fluid dynamics to me. Plus, he doesn’t judge me for day-drinking or spending too much money at McDonald’s.
My perfect man. <3
Another fun fact: as of February 2nd, I’ve been blogging for 7 months. (I missed my 6-month blogging anniversary, which by the way, is technically a misnomer. “Anniversary” implies a year, so I think they should make up a term for the 6-month mark rather than adding slang and Harry Potter words to the dictionary. But whatever, Merriam and/or Webster. I guess you have more important things to worry about. Like being dead.) You can read my very first post here and see how much I’ve changed. Although it hasn’t been much…
But I’d like to thank you all for staying with me through the ramblings and the nonsense. It truly means a lot. I hope you all stay around for another 7 months (and then hopefully after that as well).
That being said, Gina and I once again have embarked upon a joint-post. This time, it’s our various search terms which led to our blogs and our responses to them. Search terms are always fun, but I’ve gotta say, God bless Google Analytics.
1. it’s all fun and games until your jeans don’t fit
Gina: Oh man, I can’t even make fun of this one because I fall into this category. Have there been days when I’ve had to lie flat on my back to zip up my jeans? Yes. Yes there have. *whispers, “nearly every day”* *makes sad face*
2. I’m not always a bitch just kidding go fuck yourself
Gina: You know how often at the end of work emails you’ll see people put their company logo and some kind of positive sentiment? The Customer is Priority One! I would love to put this line as my personal motto.
Me: Yeah, I’ve got nothing.
3. classy stripper
Gina: Hmmm, yes, where to begin with these two words. They don’t go together of course. I’m trying to imagine what such a woman would look like. Would she wear a button-up blouse and pearls? Wear her hair in a tight bun? Discuss English literature with her patrons? Lady, if you are a stripper you can never be classy. I’m sorry to break the news to you but it’s true.
Me: Oxymoron? But then again, given my history with stripper poles and costume shoes, I’m not here to judge.
4. asshole award
Gina: We all know people who are deserving of an “Asshole Award”. When I first read this phrase for some reason my mind brought up an image of an actual AWARD. Like a trophy. How would you represent the “puckered starfish” in bronze I wondered? So I googled “asshole award” and the image below is not what I was looking for but it’s so amazingly awesome I had to share:
Me: Okay, I might be a jerk but I don’t think it deserves an award. Not totally sure Google likes me…
5. life is like a penis
Gina: Um, long periods of boredom spent in the dark with brief moments of pure ecstasy? Wait, life really IS like a penis. I had never thought of that before.
Me: Interesting analogy. I’d like to hear how exactly. In that it is hard sometimes? Or that it’s constantly needing some sort of “job” to be done? The possibilities are endless.
6. suck my dick I’m a shark
Gina: Wow, the whole aggressive “shark” stereotype is actually true. But I don’t like your tone, so there will be no shark fellatio for you.
Me: Do sharks even have dicks? And if so, how are you using a computer, Mr. Shark? You’re fins shouldn’t be able to type. Unless it’s voice recognition. But this is exactly what’s wrong with technology: if sharks have iPHone’s, the next step is the movie “Deep Blue Sea”. And that’s just too much for me to handle. (I don’t want LL Cool J to die!!)
7. Kim Jong-un looking at things he wants to eat
Gina: Considering he’s the only fat person in a country full of starving people, I image that a photo of what he wants to eat is actually what he DOES eat. (He is also an Asshole Award recipient)
Me: The Supreme Leader doesn’t eat. Right? Cause gods or whatever don’t need to eat. Or crap. Apparently.
8. pray for ugly baby
Gina: Um, I guess I can do that. Won’t God be a little put out at such a shallow prayer? Instead of the usual prayers of “heal my sick baby” or “don’t let my starving baby die” heard ‘round the world, you want me to try to pray away your bad genetics. OK, asshole (and I’ll be nominating you for an Asshole Award).
Me: Who the fuck is “ugly baby” and why does this lead to my blog?
9. I care so little I almost passed out
Gina: Wow, such snark. I just pictured a bitchy fifteen-year old girl uttering these words. It’s OK honey. You’re young and inexperienced. It’s a half-way decent insult for someone your age. Keep practicing and you’ll get better.
Me: I’m starting to think these inquiries are somehow pointed…
10. one vodka two vodka three vodka drop dead
Gina: True fact– this is the Dr. Seuss book that was never published. It was before it’s time. However, once it hits the shelves at a later date this year, it’s guaranteed to be a runaway bestseller. The deluxe hardback version will include a tiny vodka bottle keychain for the adults, which can also be used as a backpack hang-tag for kids.
Me: Only if you’re a pussy. Or if “one vodka” = “one 750mL-bottle of vodka”. But even then, it’s a maybe.
11. who needs tits with an ass like this shirt
Gina: I’ve read this sentence a dozen times and it makes me laugh, but seriously it makes no sense. You’d expect the line to be, “Who needs tits with an ass like this” but the addition of the word “shirt” makes it nonsensical. It’s still funny though…
Me: Flat-chested girls just making themselves feel better. The end.
12. things that make you vomit
Gina: Well, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the search term below comes directly after this one. Sometimes the humor just writes itself.
Me: Teenagers better not be coming here to learn how to be bulimic. IT’S CALLED “NOT EATING”, LADIES. LEARN HOW TO DO IT.
13. Larry David naked
Gina: Full disclosure—I love Larry David and think he’s hilarious, but damn, I’ve never wanted to imagine him naked. See search term above.
Me: Hahahahaha, why though? Why did you look this up? Shame on you, person. Ugly baby judges you.
14. hell is filled with people like you
Gina: I love this line and may steal it to use on people in the future.
Me: Yeah… this is really starting to seem pointed. Although not wrong.
15. don’t get a boner challenge
Gina: Oh my gosh, I wish this was a reality show. In general I don’t watch much reality TV but I would totally make an exception in this case. Can you say “ratings landslide”?
Me: I challenge every man around me to this every day. Your move, amigos. (Jk, that’s totally egotistical.)
16. the only package I want this Christmas is yours
Gina: Hahaha… this is so immature and awesome. I would use it on my husband but since he’s Russian, the humor would probably be lost on him. I would have to explain the slang meaning of “package”. If I said this exact phrase to him he’d think I was saying that I was looking forward to HIS Christmas gift the most. Sometimes it sucks to be married to a spouse whose first language isn’t English.
Me: Bahaha, people are excellent.
17. you give my middle finger an erection
Gina: Love this! Again, it’s immature but I love it. This comment stands on its own. I can add nothing more to it.
Me: Yeah, me neither.
18. I don’t give a fuck god sent me to piss the world off
Gina: I know SO MANY people who seem to subscribe to this belief. I think it may be a true statement. Thanks God. (Note—this person is also a likely Asshole Award recipient).
Me: I love that Eminem lyrics come to my blog. “Stop the tape! this kid needs to be locked away! DR.DRE, DON’T JUST STAND THERE, OPERATE!!!”
19. rape sloth birthday
Gina: Well, I’m pretty sure that this is the first time in the history of the world that these three words have been grouped together. I can’t even hazard a guess at what the person was searching for. Do they want to rape a sloth? Is it a sloth’s birthday? This makes my brain hurt.
Me: Ahhhh, readers. Did I tell you how much I love you already? Because I can’t stress that enough.
20. thank you for being the piss in my pants
Gina: This could be the inside sentiment of the worst Valentine’s Day card ever. Or depending on your sense of humor, perhaps the BEST Valentine’s Day card ever. Ugh, I’m thinking of those people with the “Golden Shower” fetish. Yeah, those people would love that card.
Me: You are quite welcome. Excellent insult, by the way.