(Yeah, that’s right. I’m being honest. Gross, but honest. Because the truth will set you free. Free from hygiene and other human beings, perhaps. Yet sometimes we must get ugly to create something beautiful.)
I gotta say, though, chilling in my own filth isn’t too bad. It gives me an excuse not to run errands or hang out with my friends and Alessandro hasn’t bothered me for sex while I’m trying to write. Also, I don’t even smell. You’re probably thinking, “Yeah right, Alanna. You probably stink like shit but can’t smell yourself because you’re gross and noseblind.” But then again….. Idgaf.
The reason I haven’t showered (in case you were wondering) is that I’ve been busy with very important things like banging my head against available walls until words come out, reading a part of my novel in front of other human beings (!), and attempting (unsuccessfully) to take videos of cats having sex outside at night.
(“Kitty Porn”, perhaps. But the videos are just of blackness and me drunk and laughing in the background which is probably for the best.)
In other news, I had to actually read the words that I wrote out loud and IN FRONT OF ACTUAL PEOPLE. I opened for Jon Sealy, author of The Whiskey Baron, at my college last month. In a huge auditorium with about 30 billion people. (Or like 30. I’m not Rain Man, with all the counting and stuff. I was just trying not to throw up.)
I don’t have many pictures, but here’s one I can share with you. It’s a screenshot from a video my mom took with her phone that neither of us can figure out how to move onto a computer or even Facebook.
My piece was incredibly dark and personal because I didn’t know the protocol for reading in public and had no idea so many people would be there (including other students who got front row seats to my crazy). In the video, you can hear my mom gasping when I swear or say terrible things about self-harm or alcoholism, which is funny but also quite upsetting, and my voice is ridiculous.
They need to develop the technology to make you sound like Patrick Stewart ASAP. (Meanwhile, NASA is having Scott Kelly take instagram pics of space. Priorities, people…)
(School has begun once again. Somebody kill me now, I’m too old to be dealing with this.)
I should have graduated in May but I’m lazy and “completely lacking of any self-discipline” according to my parents. And some other people. However, I disagree. I think the simple fact that I’m able to shower and dress myself most days puts me ahead of the game.
(Okay, not “most days“. More like “sometimes“. I’m still gonna call that a win.)
Also, I’m in the planner again this year but it’s the same picture as last time (refer to this post). My one friend is on the cover somehow being photographed taking a selfie, which confused me greatly until Alessandro explained that someone else was taking the picture. (I truly don’t know how I’ve even made it this far in school.)
Also, the ghosts in my attic have returned and for some reason want the lights on all the time even when I try to explain that they’re making my electric bill unhappy. Plus, there’s only a finite amount of light bulbs in the world but they don’t care. I assume they’re up all night reading the mass collection of books I had to buy for my writing course.
(At least they’re well-read ghosts. Maybe they call over the other ghosts in the neighborhood for a ghostly book club?)
While they’re discussing literature, I’ll be creating it, 24/7 for the next few months. I have to complete 40,000 words of my book every month (and hopefully soon figure out a plotline). I’m terrible at climactic events and twists, so if anyone has any ideas, please let me know. I’ll totally credit you.
If I don’t write for a while, don’t be mad at me. I might be dead from stress but at least I can hang out with the avid readers in my attic.
(Maybe if the father was around, we wouldn’t be in this situation. I blame the system. And Penn State. Because when in doubt, blame Penn State.)
So it’s finally March and I’m hoping that the crippling darkness and cold will pass so I can once again emerge from my cave and rejoin humanity. Although I hope humanity gets hit in the head with a frying pan and gets out of this alternate state wherein they care about stupid shit.
Like the color of a goddamn dress. And 99.9% of what happens on Facebook.
Also, someone out there tricked me into seeing child pornography. The kid found my phone number somehow and snapchatted me a picture of his penis. Which begs the question…
DO I SEEM LIKE THE KIND OF PERSON YOU CAN SEND PICTURES OF YOUR DICK TO?!?!?!
(I pray the answer is “no”.)
Especially penises who are under 18. So if any of you jokers out there think you should, be advised: I will kill you. Because I refuse to be an “accidental felon”. If there is any crime to commit, it shall be my own choice. To paraphrase Eleanor Roosevelt, no one can make you a criminal without your consent.
In other news, Pennsylvania is an unfortunate place to live. Don’t come here. I totally got shafted trying to VOLUNTEER for Tom Wolf’s inaugural ceremony because I’m not a registered Democrat. I literally wasn’t allowed to volunteer because I’m a Republican. How much bullshit is that?!
A lot of bullshit. Is the answer to that question.
Plus, I’m buried in homework and almost out of oxygen. Because college is terrible.
But on the bright side, Pennsylvania has finally privatized the sale of liquor and stuff, so now I don’t have to go to the stupid state store which is always closed. And Spring Break starts on the 8th, so I’ll finally have some time to write on here again and possibly clean out my thousands of unread emails.
Anyways, thanks for hanging in there while I viciously neglected you all. Hopefully circumstance doesn’t kill me and I reclaim my life soon. The other night, I got super drunk and bought $40 worth of nail polish and a Wallflowers CD on Amazon. Be careful out there.
(“In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups. The police who investigate crime and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories…”)
Hello everyone! Welcome back to Funny Blog Friday! I totally forgot to write this post yesterday due to excessive napping and forgetfulness, so I’m kind of slapping together something quick before time runs out. Please visit all the FBF bloggers because they’re awesome and some of them are giving away more prizes (plus, you all know you need a laugh).
This story, dear friends, stays in the realm of themes of my recent posts: exes, alcohol, trouble of all kinds, Alanna (the heroine of our tale) rising above moral depravity and, as usual, taking the high road. Before I tell the harrowing story of how I got my very first underage drinking, I’d like to point out that everything I say may or may not be factual, so if you’re a cop, keep walking. There’s nothing to read here.
Our Tale Begins On The Eve Of Labor Day Weekend, 2012…
‘Twas Friday, August 31st. A warm day, though not too hot for jeans. I had just moved into my college dorm only a week prior. My school was stupid and put me in the freshman dorms even though I was a sophomore, so I shared a room with a nice young girl who was really religious and had Jesus stuff all over. That weekend, she was going home to visit her family so I thought it would be a good idea to invite my then-boyfriend over to stay for the holiday. How very wrong I was…
Zach and I had the entire weekend planned: we’d chill Friday night around campus, go to the local farmer’s market on Saturday (which my father actually had a surprise for us instead), and basically just lie around watching tv after sitting on a bench making fun of the runners and skateboarders on Sunday. A relaxing weekend for a couple who usually never got a chance for relaxation due to our constant and almost compulsive need to cause trouble.
Friday afternoon, we were at Zach’s father’s house, arriving just as they left for their annual Labor Day weekend trip to their cabin somewhere in Pennsylvania. We (actually, I) immediately broke into the lock on their keg fridge, and we proceeded to fill empty water bottles with beer. After a few hours of drinking beer, watching tv, and looking through his father’s and step mother’s things just for random laughs and being nosy, we packed up the rest of our beer and headed back to my campus. It was awesome. Almost nobody was there and we finished the beer while cranking Lil’ Wayne and manically dancing in my dorm room.
I should have known something was wrong when we went downstairs to smoke a cigarette and Zach tried sliding down the railing, but fell right over the side and busted his ass on the ground. Everyone who was hanging out in the common room totally saw it and rushed over to be all, “Is he okay?!?!” As Zach cracked up laughing and hobbled down the remaining stairs, I said, “Yeah, he’s fine. You kids never saw this.” And ran out before the R.A. who wanted me dead (sort of) saw us being drunk.
Earlier that week, I made friends with a group of Engineering majors who lived in one of the adjacent dorms (which were basically apartments) and since they were mostly all over 21, I’d hang with them and drink. I got the foolish idea that maybe my new friends (all of whom were guys, by the way) would get along with Zach and we’d all have a nice time. Plus, I wanted to drink more, so ya know, win-win. Or so I thought…
The second Zach and I arrived at my friends’ dorm, he started giving offensive nicknames to them. My Marine friend was “Jarhead”. My friend whose parents were from Germany was “Germany”. (Some of them I can’t repeat and others I can’t remember. I was drinking, too.) When “Germany” arrived, he had some vanilla-flavored rum and Cherry Coke which he made into a drink he was proud of. Zach’s first words to him were, “Your drink really matches your sandals.”
(What a dick.)
Basically, Zach embarrassed the shit out of me in front of all my new friends, acting like a total asshole and telling them some extremely private things. He even downed like half of a half-gallon of Evan Williams which belonged to “Germany”. (The next morning, my one friend texted me that everyone agreed they didn’t want Zach to come back because of his behavior.) So once things officially got out of control that night, I tried to make him act as sober as possible for the 100-yard walk back to my building. Everything seemed fine. (Especially after we smoked a joint in the shower. Not like “in” the shower, but in the part of the bathroom with the shower because it has a vent and you can turn the water up really hot so… blah blah, etc.) Then we fall asleep. In my mind, the giant “Mission Accomplished” banner was flying beautifully.
I stirred from my sweet slumber from fists pounding on my door and loud voices from the hallway yelled at me to, “Open up!” The clock on my bedside table read 5:11 and Zach was nowhere to be seen. I said, “Alright, alright! I’m coming!” already annoyed that someone would dare wake me up at this unholiest of times. (I’m a really deep sleeper and I tend to punch people who try to wake me up.)
I opened the door to see a campus “police officer” (air quotes and sarcastic tone) and the Residential Life Coordinator (whatever that is) standing before me. If I gave any attitude, it’s because it was 5 o’clock on a Saturday morning and I hadn’t done anything wrong.
“Do you know Zach ____? He says he’s a guest of yours.”
“Yes…” What in the fuck could he have possibly done this time?! I thought to myself.
“We caught him running around campus naked and appearing to be intoxicated. He’s currently being held in the jail cell until his parents arrive. He says his clothing is here?”
(WHAT A DICK.)
I composed myself and got his clothes to give to the “police officer”.
“Wait, like jail? At the station downtown?”
“No, the campus headquarters [lol, “headquarters”] has a holding cell.”
So he’s in pretend prison? But I didn’t say that outloud because then this asshole started asking me questions.
“Was Zach drinking this evening?”
It’s morning, dickhead. “Yes.”
“May we come inside to check your room?”
“Do you have a warrant?”
“No, we don’t need one. Campus policy.” (LIES LIES LIES LIES. They TOTALLY need a warrant, but that’s a story for another time.)
They come inside and ask me stupid shit and this guy’s acting like he’s a real cop or something, and SURPRISE! He doesn’t find any evidence of drugs or alcohol.
“Were you drinking as well?”
“Let me smell your breath.” (Hey, kids: this is 100% illegal. If a cop ever asks you this question, bring up the 4th Amendment and send his pig-ass packing. #themoreyouknow)
“Uhh… no, I just woke up.” (He then MAKES me do it. Then he coerces me into telling him I drank which is also totally illegal.)
“I just had some beer.”
“Oh really?” maniacally laughing. “Doesn’t smell like you just drank ‘some beer’. That beer have rubbing alcohol in it?” Laughs again. I consider what murder would do to my transcript. “Well, I’m charging you for underage drinking. This is a copy of your citation. You’ll get a letter telling you when to be in court, I suggest A.R.D. Have a nice weekend.”
So there’s the story of how I got my first and only law violation because my ex ran around my college naked. (He got locked out to go to the bathroom and thought that the giant blue emergency lights were telephones.) I also missed the phone call Saturday morning from my dad who had planned to fly me and my cousins to a Phillies game in Atlanta at Turner-freakin’-Stadium. I don’t know what the moral here is, people, but college is stupid and Penn State can eat it. The end.
Check out some funny posts from the folks at Funny Blog Friday!
(“Sir, I am too old to learn.” Said Kent in William Shakespeare’s King Lear. I am inclined to agree.)
Of course, today was excruciatingly hot outside. Perfect conditions for classroom swamp-ass. All the freshmen were hopping around in excitement, unaware that the next 4 years of their lives will be shitty.
On the bright side, we got new planners for this year that feature pictures of the student body (weird, but whatever) and I am totally in there! It’s hilarious!
In sophomore year, the housing people got confused and put me in the freshmen dorms. It was really fun because they were so cute at first and looked up to me like I was their queen. There were a lot of kids from India and they would call my name (“Ah-lah-na!”) and it would instantly bring a smile to my face. The only bad thing was when I rejected the advances of my R.A., he got all weird and accused me of keying and kicking his car.
(As though I EVER owned a pair of Vans sneakers… how rude.)
Although I did in fact draw a penis on his official R.A. picture on the first day there, but he didn’t even notice until like a month into school. Then when he replaced it with another one, I drew two penises. Haha :P
It was a good year. I met the love of my life that year ([my boyfriend]), and had a great group of friends who could’ve made up the cast of a multi-cam sitcom. Then a couple of them joined a fraternity (ughh), and some others left our campus or graduated. Now I’m in my “senior year” (I put that in quotes because I’ll definitely be making up credits for the rest of my life), and I’d like to share some quotes about college as well as some general wisdom:
1. “I imagine that one of the biggest troubles with colleges is there are too many distractions, too much panty-raiding, fraternities, and boola-boola and all of that.” -Malcom X
So true. Fraternities are evil and partying is the reason I do great on tests/papers but have bad grades because I’m too hungover to show up. I can’t say I do this myself, but the successful kids are able to prioritize and keep self-discipline.
2. “You can’t learn to write in college. It’s a very bad place for writers because the teachers always think they know more than you do—and they don’t.” -Ray Bradbury
Also very true. But sometimes not. Sometimes, the teachers do know more than you do. That can mean one of two things: either you’re still learning and developing your voice/style, or you’re just a bad writer. If the latter is true, I’m sorry. Maybe you can write textbooks or for your local newspaper. However, if you’re counted among the former, don’t listen to people who tell you you’re shit or give you bad grades. Sometimes you have to write the bullshit that your professor will like rather than what is actually good. I had a class last year where the teacher knocked off points for happy fucking endings. (?) It’s all nonsense.
3. “I’m a man of leisure. That’s because I have an English degree and can’t get a job.” -Jarod Kintz
It sounds stupid, but despite the current job market, just pick a major you’re going to enjoy. I probably should have been pre-law, but I also would have jumped off a building by now. Even though I’m a slacker, I enjoy my classes. It makes college a million times easier.
4. “I mean that they (students) should not play life, or study it merely, while the community supports them at this expensive game, but earnestly live it from beginning to end. How could youths better learn to live than by at once trying the experiment of living? Methinks this would exercise their minds as much as mathematics.” -Henry David Thoreau
Oh, hey, that’d be great, Thoreau! Unfortunately we live in the real world and chilling on a pond for a while (and going home to mommy every weekend, by the way, which he totally did) doesn’t put a degree in your hand. Even though college sucks, it’s good for you. Like going to church or eating your vegetables. But if you do go to college, still live your life. It often feels like you’re in a waiting room filled with drunk children for 4 years, but if you step outside, take a walk, and remember this is still your life, things won’t be so bad.
5. “In your temporary failure there is no evidence that you may not yet be a better scholar, and a more successful man in the great struggle of life, than many others, who have entered college more easily.” -Abraham Lincoln
Just because you didn’t get into a top school (or even a university) or you’re having trouble with classes or WHATEVER, doesn’t mean you’re stupid. You rock. You’re smart. Fuck the admissions people and your professor who thinks Nietzsche is the only philosopher worth paying attention to and gave you a “D” on your paper glorifying Aristotle. Dumbasses get into Harvard and geniuses have gone to community college. As long as you try, that’s all that matters.
6. “Thought and knowledge are natures in which apparatus and pretension avail nothing. Gowns, and pecuniary foundations, though of towns of gold, can never countervail the least sentence or syllable of wit. Forget this, and out American colleges will recede in their public importance whilst they grow richer every year.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson
Again, it doesn’t matter where you go. An education is an education, and all the fanfare of major colleges is bullshit. The only thing that matters is your own thirst for knowledge and how you choose to implement the information you’re receiving. College is supposed to breed curiosity, not pageantry.
Well, that’s all I have to say on the matter. A lot of the quotes I found were stupid or redundant, so this is what I have. Make all the mistakes, drink all the beer, have as much (safe) sex as you can. Enjoy that shit.
Also, I started a store on Zazzle, so check it out. I’ve only made like 2 things so far but you can customize your own merchandise and create your own store for free! it’s mad cool.
(I hate when celebrities make things sound cool that are totally shit. Like college. And dumping a bucket of ice on yourself.)
I start back to school in less than a week, and I think my body is staging an internal revolt. I literally was asleep from Sunday afternoon to yesterday (Tuesday) evening, which either means I’m dying or I have an iron deficiency. Regardless, I don’t wanna go back.
If you’re familiar with Asher Roth’s song “I Love College”, you’ll probably agree that there is NO POSSIBLE WAY you can have that much fun and still get good grades. It’s funny because I read on Wikipedia that he was going to West Chester (that’s sort of near me) for Elementary Education (I’m Secondary Education and English) and our major is like especially difficult. Pennsylvania really has a boner for education majors, probably because our governor is a douche. (Editor’s Note: We had a different governor in 2014.)
Anyone who actually tries at good grades will tell you Asher Roth is a dickhead, and that’s why I’m calling bullshit on this one.
(Also, why are all these young white rappers from Pennsylvania? Meek Mill, Mac Miller, Asher Roth… seriously. You can look it up.) (Editor’s Note #2: Meek Mill is not white, my apologies.)
On a side note, I really think the whole “Ice Bucket Challenge” thing is nonsense. No offense if you’re into that, but I’d rather just donate the $100 instead of jumping on yet another social media bandwagon and giving myself hypothermia.
(I don’t even have a bucket.)
On the bright side, my friends and family know me enough that I haven’t been “challenged”. They realize I’d kill them if they tried. “How about I come to your house and pour a bucket of dry ice on you?” And I totally would.
“Any treatment which claims to save human lives, yet is based upon the destruction of human life in its embryonic state, is logically and morally contradictory…” -St. John Paul II
You can agree or not, I don’t care. I’m not condemning anyone. It’s just my opinion. All I know is that if someone tries to tell me to dump a bucket of ice on myself and videotape it, I’m going to have a fucking fit.