If This Blog Was A Baby, Social Services Would Have Taken It By Now.

(Maybe if the father was around, we wouldn’t be in this situation. I blame the system. And Penn State. Because when in doubt, blame Penn State.)

So it’s finally March and I’m hoping that the crippling darkness and cold will pass so I can once again emerge from my cave and rejoin humanity. Although I hope humanity gets hit in the head with a frying pan and gets out of this alternate state wherein they care about stupid shit.

Like the color of a goddamn dress. And 99.9% of what happens on Facebook.

There are more important things going on in the world. (LIKE TWO BLACK PARENTS GIVING BIRTH TO A WHITE BABY!!! WHAT IN THE ABSOLUTE FUCK?!?! If there was any proof of the apocalypse, this would be it.)

19_07_2010 - 19.27.45 - SUN - PSN_9_WHITE_BABY.jpg

Also, someone out there tricked me into seeing child pornography. The kid found my phone number somehow and snapchatted me a picture of his penis. Which begs the question…

DO I SEEM LIKE THE KIND OF PERSON YOU CAN SEND PICTURES OF YOUR DICK TO?!?!?!

(I pray the answer is “no”.)

Especially penises who are under 18. So if any of you jokers out there think you should, be advised: I will kill you. Because I refuse to be an “accidental felon”. If there is any crime to commit, it shall be my own choice. To paraphrase Eleanor Roosevelt, no one can make you a criminal without your consent.

No, no, no. Eminem wags his finger at you.
No, no, no. Eminem wags his finger at you.

In other news, Pennsylvania is an unfortunate place to live. Don’t come here. I totally got shafted trying to VOLUNTEER for Tom Wolf’s inaugural ceremony because I’m not a registered Democrat. I literally wasn’t allowed to volunteer because I’m a Republican. How much bullshit is that?! 

A lot of bullshit. Is the answer to that question.

Plus, I’m buried in homework and almost out of oxygen. Because college is terrible.

But on the bright side, Pennsylvania has finally privatized the sale of liquor and stuff, so now I don’t have to go to the stupid state store which is always closed. And Spring Break starts on the 8th, so I’ll finally have some time to write on here again and possibly clean out my thousands of unread emails.

Anyways, thanks for hanging in there while I viciously neglected you all. Hopefully circumstance doesn’t kill me and I reclaim my life soon. The other night, I got super drunk and bought $40 worth of nail polish and a Wallflowers CD on Amazon. Be careful out there.

The end is near…

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