Advice From Someone Who Should Never Give Advice, I'm Single Now, Lists, New Beginnings, On The Bright Side... Alcohol, Story Time, The Drinking Game Series

Breaking Up And Binge-Drinking: More Games For Your Solo Cup

(Yes, my relationship is over but my love affair with alcohol will never die. Remember: people come and go but liver damage is forever.)

This September, Alessandro and I celebrated our four-year anniversary. We met on campus in my sophomore year of college and moved in together after a little over a year as we continued our education together. Things were good. It was easy. Considering my love of dysfunction, I should’ve realized something wasn’t quite right.

Make no mistake, in this story I am the bad guy. We met just as I ended my first relationship and I hopped into this one without really giving myself time to think or grieve or remember to go to class. Sure, I loved him, but not enough to imagine a future together or to not feel the need to talk to other guys. (I KNOW I’M THE  WORST, SHUT UP ABOUT IT.) Anyways, recently we started to see we didn’t have enough money to keep living in our apartment together so we both moved back in with our parents and decided to call it quits.

It’s weird being alone after 7 years of boyfriends. I still have my friends but sometimes you just wanna tell someone that you found a really long nose hair or saw a bumper sticker that said “I brake for wet leaves”, and you go to pick up your phone to send the news but you realize nobody except your significant other would even care, and suddenly you’re like,

“Shit… I really am alone.

beetlejuice-lydia-i-am-utterly-alone-gif

Then you start to ask yourself what you used to do before you had someone to chill with 24/7 and your mind becomes that scene from SpongeBob Squarepants where he’s trying to remember his name.

spongebob-brain-fail-gif

All you know is fine dining and breathing. (And in my case, drinking.)

With that in mind, I’ve developed a few more drinking games you can play by yourself because who’s about to stop you? Certainly not your significant other because you’re alone and no one loves you.

Drinking Games to Play Alone:

  1. Download Tinder. Take a drink every time you swipe right, chug if it’s a match.
  2. Go through your phone, Facebook, picture library, etc. and drink whenever you delete a picture of your ex. (Because that’s how you win. At drinking AND at life.)
  3. Make a list of all your past lovers/significant others/crushes and text ALL OF THEM. Drink if they text you back. Chug if they hit you up for a booty call.
  4. This one’s obvious and possibly overused but open Chat Roulette, Omegle, whatever else they have now and shuffle through the people. Drink whenever you see a penis.
  5. Solo Beer Pong: All you need for this is a table, a wall, cups, and ping pong balls. Put the table against the wall and arrange cups in front of you the way you normally would in beer pong but only your side. Use the table and the wall to bounce the balls into your own cups. Drink when you make the shot, etc. (normal rules apply).
  6. Turn on one of your favorite (or least favorite) movies or tv shows. Make your own drinking game!! (It’s fun.) For example, I used to make drinking games for the Presidential debates but I was too good at them and I almost got alcohol poisoning so I stopped. (I’m actually thinking about making a whole series of drinking games for movies and tv shows to put on this blog so if you have any requests, leave them in the comments below.)
  7. Put your playlist on shuffle. Try for mostly love songs. Drink every time you cry. (This also works for sad movies and looking through the aforementioned pictures of your ex as well.)

Well, that’s all I have for now. If you want more, refer to my last post about drinking games to play alone. It’s a decent read. If you have any ideas you’d like to share, feel free to leave them in the comments below. And remember: you’re never alone when there’s booze and twitter.

red-solo-cup

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Coming Soon, Contests, Humble Beginnings, Lists, On The Bright Side... Alcohol, Other Writing And Art, People From My Past

It’s My 2-Year Blogiversary

(Not much has changed. I might actually be less funny and relevant now. But I’m older, so ya know… silver linings.)

Two years ago today (well, technically it was August 2nd but let’s not bust balls), I wrong my first blog post for this dumb little site all because my dad said that I wouldn’t follow through with it. So much beauty sprung from spite.

It’s like a poem.

My first post was pretty bad. I rambled on for multiple paragraphs about lion terrorists and how I peed myself in my car and looking back, I have to wonder what the hell was I thinking? That girl sounded like she was on drugs and honestly she probably was.

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Throwback to when I first started writing here. Sure, the crazy is poignant, but I was so thin… Is health and sanity really worth it?

 

I’ve been reading through my old posts and there are some creepy coincidences happening with events from this time in 2014 mirroring events now. For instance, just a couple days ago I stepped on ANOTHER nail and it went through the SAME FLIP FLOPS!!!! And the ex boyfriend who got his girlfriend pregnant literally 2 years ago is back with that girl and she’s pregnant AGAIN!!! (Not with his baby, but that’s none of my business…) Then there’s the whole Ice Bucket Challenge thing which nobody talked about since summer of 2014 and suddenly it’s back in the news again because it worked. I wrote a post concerning my advice and general thoughts on college 2 years ago and wrote another advice article for college kids called “A Letter To My Freshman Self” just this past week!!!

Chris Pratt Guardians of the Galaxy WHAT gif

Mind = blown.

Anyways, as I’ve looked over the vast empire of bullshit I’ve built these past two years, I’ve noticed that you all seem to really like reading about the stupid stuff I get into when I get drunk and sad, so you’re all basically reveling in my sorrows and addictions. Shame. On. You. I wag my finger in your general direction. You also have a deep interest in drinking games you can play by yourself which tells me two things: 1) I need to write another post with new and improved solo-drinking games, and 2) A lot of you must be drinking alone or at least enough that it might be a problem so I understand the need to commiserate.

Always Sunny in Philadelphia alcoholics gif 1Always Sunny in Philadelphia alcoholics gif 2Always Sunny in Philadelphia alcoholics gif 3Always Sunny in Philadelphia alcoholics gif 4Always Sunny in Philadelphia alcoholics gif 5Always Sunny in Philadelphia alcoholics gif 6Always Sunny in Philadelphia alcoholics gif 7Always Sunny in Philadelphia alcoholics gif 8

Exactly.

Another thing I used to do a lot is list a few choice search terms that led people to my blog, and no matter how long I write on the internet, I’ll never get used to the crazy, funny, and mostly disgusting phrases typed into search engines. (I clearly use the word “bitch” waayyy too much so the blame is partly on me.) Now without further ado, here’s some search terms that somehow brought you here in 2016 so far:

1. solo drinking games; drinking games to play alone; drinking games to play by yourself; one person drinking games  (You see what I mean?)

2. do i go banging on peoples doors asking for them to suck my penis america?
(Fabulous)

3. your pussy aint worth the fames you playing  (I don’t understand what it’s saying, but somehow my feelings still hurt.)

4. teens kitten twitter  (I realize this seems harmless, but I don’t trust it.)

5. fuck yall all i need is jesus

6. officially bullshit  (Refer to my “Bullshit” post.)

7. i just love my all fucking haters

8. twitter typical white girl funny scary video of phone ringing in bed (…What??)

9. what does the expression mean when they say i’m not always a bitch just kidding go fuck yourself  (This should be self-explanatory, I’m disappointed in whoever wrote this.)

10. dee you bitch  (Lol, an “Always Sunny” reference never fails to warm my heart.)

11. guess who’s not going back to high school  (Frenchie? But seriously, take that guy’s advice: “Turn in your teasing comb and go back to high school.”)

12. bitch am not into you  (…Whatever, I’m not into you either. Mean.)

So there you go. Two years of bullshit and not much has changed. Keep an eye out for my next drinking game post because I might do another giveaway with money and giftcards and perhaps a featured blogger contest.

Thanks again for being a part of the nonsense with me all this time. Come for the pumpkin spice, stay for the unadulterated crazy.

Jenna Marbles Thank You Tasty Muffin Snake gif

 Later taters! ;)

 

 

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Just Your Everyday Neighborhood Nonsense, People From My Past, This Is What It's Like To Be Catholic, Who Is Alanna?

“Bloody Mary, Full Of Vodka, Blessed Are You Among Cocktails. Pray For Me Now At The Hour Of My Death, Which I Hope Is Soon. Amen.”

(That’s from “Archer” but it rings true here as well. Thank God for Russians. And tomato juice.)

Ahh yess… I am quite the lucky one. I’ve been given the glorious task of contributing pictures of my ex boyfriend for his birthday party/girlfriend’s baby shower. And because of my blessed Catholic guilt, I agreed to do it. So as I sit here, cropping myself out of memories and chugging bloody mary’s, I have to wonder…

Is there such a thing as “too much” vodka?

I’ve concluded there is not, although I know this in my heart to be false. However, I’m unsure if I currently have a heart because there is nothing inside me but alcohol and numbness. (Also tomato juice, which is giving me a bit of heartburn.)

I’ve created a fun new drinking game out of this pain and loneliness: take a drink whenever I start to cry.

(At present, I am plastered.)

Do you guys remember that game (and/or “horror-fest”) that you played as children when you’d go into the bathroom at midnight and say “Bloody Mary” 3 times in the mirror? Well even though she doesn’t appear and slaughter you (spoiler alert), you will see a crazed redheaded woman screaming with makeup running down her face.

At least that’s what I see.

bloody mary tumblr

Despite the fact that I was always more of a Queen Elizabeth fan, I’m starting to understand Mary Tudor’s methods. (Not killing Protestants. I just mean the whole “burning people” thing.) She was just pissed, that’s all. Her lovely mother was replaced by a trashy ho named Anne Boleyn and she wasn’t about to let her shitty hypocrite father stomp all over her beliefs. “Defender of the Faith”, my ass! Thinks he’s a goddamn prophet…

Anyways, people should quit giving her a raft of shit because I’d probably do the same thing if my father tossed my mom out and tried to disown me…

oh, wait! He totally did! (The latter part at least.)

mary tudor bloody mary

Also, thank you very much to my ex and his family for giving me the task of providing you with pictures that I TOOK.

kenny powers meme

So fuck them and fuck everybody and have a nice day. Also check out this post from Thought Catalog that reminded me of my post from a couple weeks ago. God bless and peace out and whatever else people say. I’m getting too drunk to see the keyboard.

UPDATE NOVEMBER 13th, 2014:

I totally emailed her the pictures and said something like, “Here’s the pictures, congratulations on everything! Wishing you all the best! *smiley face* ” and guess what the fuck she said in her response email…

“Thank you for the pictures. Your being really nice about this whole baby thing I know it’s hard because you still have feelings for zach but we are about to start a family and you gotta understand where I’m coming from when I ask you to stop contacting him.”

Ignoring all the grammar and spelling mistakes, I’m sitting here like WHAT IN THE ABSOLUTE FUCK?!?! I don’t even contact him, HE contacts ME and I don’t want to be a part of their shitty little family!!!

(As though I’d leave my current fantastic boyfriend and get together with my ex so he can be a giant anchor shackled to my foot forever pulling me deeper and deeper into the water until I’m drowning in regret and clutching onto his child who calls me “Aunt Alanna”.)

Absolutely not! Ridiculous

So I responded with this:

“Of course, I totally respect that and I wish you both the best. I won’t contact Zach anymore and I’m truly sorry if I’ve offended you in any way. That was never my intention. I really do wish you both happiness and I’m glad that I could help with the pictures. I promise you won’t be hearing from me anymore lol :)”

BECAUSE THAT IS WHO THE FUCK I AM, PEOPLE. THAT IS WHO. I. AM.!!!!!!!!!

*drops mic*

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Advice From Someone Who Should Never Give Advice, Lists, The Drinking Game Series, Who Is Alanna?

The Greatest Drinking Games You’ll Ever Play. Even If You’re Drinking Alone.

(Well, some of them require other people. Use your imagination.)

In honor of Labor Day (which I totally forgot about until 2 days ago), this post is about drinking. Hopefully right now, you’re getting wasted at a neighborhood barbecue or drinking beer in front of your television (like me, because you don’t have any friends).

When I drink, I tend to stay up all night by myself after everyone else goes to bed, so I’ve developed some awesome drinking games that you can play by yourself. Also some fun ones that nobody else (as far as I know) has ever thought of. I hate most drinking games because you can only play “Purple” or “King’s Cup” so many times before you’re like, “Let’s just drink every time someone says the word ‘the’.” I personally don’t really need drinking games.

(My favorite is called “Just Drink, Pussy”.)

But people seem to like them, so I’m gonna share a couple with you. The best one, in my opinion, is a game you play by yourself when everyone else goes to bed (or you’re just really bored).

1. The Picture Game

I need to think of a better title, but here it is. You’re gonna need yourself, a camera (on a phone, computer, or otherwise) and of course, booze. I prefer using the built-in camera of my laptop because then I can make a bunch of faces and hit the “Snap Picture” button like it’s going off to war. The only real goal of this game is to amuse yourself and have recorded evidence of what you’re like while drunk. (For instance, I discovered that when I’m drinking, my sort-of-lazy eye comes out.) Here’s an example of a night a few months ago where I played the game:

Picture Drinking Game. (Click that shit. You’ll laugh, I promise)

There were literally like 100 more pictures, but I only put in these to save time. (Because I love you all.)

2. Drunk “Simon Says”

I know it doesn’t sound that awesome, but I’ve convinced enough people to play who now agree that it is. Especially if you’re “Simon”. (You can watch all your friends make themselves look like assholes, and they enjoy it.) All you need for this one is about 3 or more people. I suppose you could play with 2, but that’s lame. The best is when you’ve got a nice-sized group.

If you don’t already know the rules, one person is “Simon” and stands in front of everyone else. They use commands like “Simon says cut off your arm”, but if “Simon” doesn’t say “Simon Says…” (i.e. just “Cut off your arm”), then whoever follows the command has to drink. At the end, the last person not passed out on the floor becomes the new “Simon”.

I don't know why these people are in their underpants.

I don’t know why these people are in their underpants.

3. Drunk “Newlywed Game”

This one is great if you’re hanging out with couples and one person is single. No longer are you the fifth wheel, singles! You should probably have at least 4 people (they don’t necessarily have to be couples, but it makes more sense), lots of paper, and pens. Also, you’ll need to come up with some questions to ask, which can either be the normal boring ones, or dirty gross/private ones. (The latter is more fun.) I would provide some examples, but you can think of your own funny questions.

4. Rock, Paper, Scissors, Drink

Self-explanatory. You lose, you drink.

So there you go. It’s a short list, but I’m not that creative. One idea I had written down for this was “Drink Till You’re Dry”, and I honestly cannot remember what that means. (I was drunk.) Anyway, have a great Labor Day everybody!!

sandler5

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