(I’ve found the beef. It’s all around me. I could grill burgers with everyone I know.)
But oh wait, I can’t…
BECAUSE I HAVE BEEF WITH LIKE ALL OF THEM.
Yessirree, my lucky streak with making friends is alive and well. Everywhere I go people break up, get into fights, and are covered in boils.
(But that’s not because of me. It’s because God hates me and sends the Plagues of Egypt to my life.)
(Make sure to paint your doorframe in sheep’s blood.)
I totally went back on the whole “Machiavellian” thing and trusted people I should not have. Once again, I attempted to bring people together and it ended in madness.
At least I know I don’t have a career in matchmaking.
Also, why do I surround myself with men who like to fight one another? I mean, can’t they just be like women? Say passive-aggressive insults to each other and talk shit behind their backs? It’s much easier and it doesn’t involve me LOSING MY GODDAMN MIND!!!!!!!!
I may not have a lot of closely-held principles, but I do live by one rule: if you hurt someone I love, you’re dead to me.
So am I going to forgive these people? ….
I still don’t visit the imaginary grave of a kid who called my best friend “Harry Potter” in the first grade, just because she had a bowl cut and round glasses. I saw this kid’s ghost all the way through high school and never acknowledged it.
Even when I bumped into it in the hallway, knocking his ghost-books all over the place.
(Why a ghost needs books, I’ll never know, but it must be a common thing considering my books are always scattered all around my attic. Where the ghosts live.)
Regardless, I’m really beginning to think no one should hang around me EVER. It’s not good for anyone. I’m like a human sitcom except it’s not all that funny.
But people are just lucky I don’t seek revenge and everything is illegal because of the feminization of our society. I can’t even be like, “TRY THAT SHIT AGAIN AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.” Cause bitches be bitches and they’d go tell on me. So I’m just gonna have to stew in my anger and chill in my house all like this:
I blame Nixon.