Coming Soon, Contests, Humble Beginnings, Lists, On The Bright Side... Alcohol, Other Writing And Art, People From My Past

It’s My 2-Year Blogiversary

(Not much has changed. I might actually be less funny and relevant now. But I’m older, so ya know… silver linings.)

Two years ago today (well, technically it was August 2nd but let’s not bust balls), I wrong my first blog post for this dumb little site all because my dad said that I wouldn’t follow through with it. So much beauty sprung from spite.

It’s like a poem.

My first post was pretty bad. I rambled on for multiple paragraphs about lion terrorists and how I peed myself in my car and looking back, I have to wonder what the hell was I thinking? That girl sounded like she was on drugs and honestly she probably was.

Snapshot_20120512_8

Throwback to when I first started writing here. Sure, the crazy is poignant, but I was so thin… Is health and sanity really worth it?

 

I’ve been reading through my old posts and there are some creepy coincidences happening with events from this time in 2014 mirroring events now. For instance, just a couple days ago I stepped on ANOTHER nail and it went through the SAME FLIP FLOPS!!!! And the ex boyfriend who got his girlfriend pregnant literally 2 years ago is back with that girl and she’s pregnant AGAIN!!! (Not with his baby, but that’s none of my business…) Then there’s the whole Ice Bucket Challenge thing which nobody talked about since summer of 2014 and suddenly it’s back in the news again because it worked. I wrote a post concerning my advice and general thoughts on college 2 years ago and wrote another advice article for college kids called “A Letter To My Freshman Self” just this past week!!!

Chris Pratt Guardians of the Galaxy WHAT gif

Mind = blown.

Anyways, as I’ve looked over the vast empire of bullshit I’ve built these past two years, I’ve noticed that you all seem to really like reading about the stupid stuff I get into when I get drunk and sad, so you’re all basically reveling in my sorrows and addictions. Shame. On. You. I wag my finger in your general direction. You also have a deep interest in drinking games you can play by yourself which tells me two things: 1) I need to write another post with new and improved solo-drinking games, and 2) A lot of you must be drinking alone or at least enough that it might be a problem so I understand the need to commiserate.

Always Sunny in Philadelphia alcoholics gif 1Always Sunny in Philadelphia alcoholics gif 2Always Sunny in Philadelphia alcoholics gif 3Always Sunny in Philadelphia alcoholics gif 4Always Sunny in Philadelphia alcoholics gif 5Always Sunny in Philadelphia alcoholics gif 6Always Sunny in Philadelphia alcoholics gif 7Always Sunny in Philadelphia alcoholics gif 8

Exactly.

Another thing I used to do a lot is list a few choice search terms that led people to my blog, and no matter how long I write on the internet, I’ll never get used to the crazy, funny, and mostly disgusting phrases typed into search engines. (I clearly use the word “bitch” waayyy too much so the blame is partly on me.) Now without further ado, here’s some search terms that somehow brought you here in 2016 so far:

1. solo drinking games; drinking games to play alone; drinking games to play by yourself; one person drinking games  (You see what I mean?)

2. do i go banging on peoples doors asking for them to suck my penis america?
(Fabulous)

3. your pussy aint worth the fames you playing  (I don’t understand what it’s saying, but somehow my feelings still hurt.)

4. teens kitten twitter  (I realize this seems harmless, but I don’t trust it.)

5. fuck yall all i need is jesus

6. officially bullshit  (Refer to my “Bullshit” post.)

7. i just love my all fucking haters

8. twitter typical white girl funny scary video of phone ringing in bed (…What??)

9. what does the expression mean when they say i’m not always a bitch just kidding go fuck yourself  (This should be self-explanatory, I’m disappointed in whoever wrote this.)

10. dee you bitch  (Lol, an “Always Sunny” reference never fails to warm my heart.)

11. guess who’s not going back to high school  (Frenchie? But seriously, take that guy’s advice: “Turn in your teasing comb and go back to high school.”)

12. bitch am not into you  (…Whatever, I’m not into you either. Mean.)

So there you go. Two years of bullshit and not much has changed. Keep an eye out for my next drinking game post because I might do another giveaway with money and giftcards and perhaps a featured blogger contest.

Thanks again for being a part of the nonsense with me all this time. Come for the pumpkin spice, stay for the unadulterated crazy.

Jenna Marbles Thank You Tasty Muffin Snake gif

 Later taters! ;)

 

 

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Coming Soon, Contests, LEND ME YOUR GUEST POSTS!

WHAT’S UP, BITCHES?!?! It’s That Time Again… More Comedy, More Free Shit!!

(It’s another giveaway, and another Funny Blog Friday event!! You should be stoked. Let’s win some more gift cards, people!!!)

Well hello again, my friends. I’m giving away more money. And featuring more guest posts on my site. (If you’re down to submit a post, email me at alannabelike@gmail.com).

(If you just want the money, tune in on Friday.)

The only difference this time is that I want to hear your New Year’s Resolutions!!

New Year Resolutions

I don’t care how crass, how personal, or how insignificant. I just wanna reblog your posts with your resolutions.

I also wanna give you gift cards from Amazon.com (Pick Your Poison)

Aditionally, there will be the raffle from rafflecopter.com

It’s really not that difficult. 

Also visit the other “Funny Blog Friday” Folks here:

fbf-1

Victoria of Angst Anarchy

Alanna of White Girls Be Like…

Jamie of Fits of Wit

Jessie of Jessie Reyna

HE Ellis of HE Ellis

Ben of Ben’s Bitter Blog

Gina of Endearingly Wacko

Eric of Opticynicism

Jenn of Properly Ridiculous

Alice of Alice At Wonderland

Lisa of Buddhaful Britt

JC of JCS Bloggery

Sarah of No Cry Babies

Elke of The Pretty Platform

Jack of The Things I see Up Here

Chicks A & E of Too Funny Chicks

Charly of Crazy Life

Kevin of Trailer Trash Deluxe

Karilin of That Nameless Color

Arthur of Pouring My Art Out

Keep on keeping on, and get reading for January 2nd, 2015 because we are bringing in the New Year in the most hilarious ways possible.

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE.

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Awards, Funny Blog Friday, My Boyfriend Has A Mustache

Funny Blog Friday!! #FBF

(I know you’re all just dying to see who won the “Guest Post Contest”, but you’ll have to scroll down for that. Also, if you stay around long enough to read this post, there’s another giveaway to be had. Stay tuned…)

Hellooo and welcome to the first annual (or rather, weekly) Funny Blog Friday!!! Hashtag “FBF”. Hashtag “badass”. Hashtag “laugh your hash off”. This Blog Hop consists of pretty much the greatest people on earth. You should all go visit their blogs because they’re amazing and that’s kind of the whole point of this.

And to make you laugh.

And they’re giving away prizes, too. Get it while it’s hot, y’all.

Funny Bloggers:

Victoria of Angst Anarchy

Jamie of Fits of Wit

H.E. Ellis of H.E. Ellis 

Jessie of Jessie Reyna & Jessie Janelle Reyna

Alice of Alice at Wonderland

Ben of Ben’s Bitter Blog

Jenn of Properly Ridiculous

Lisa of Buddhaful Britt

JC of JCS Bloggery

Sarah of No Cry Babies

Elke of The Pretty Platform

Jack of The Things I see Up Here

Chicks A & E of Too Funny Chicks

Charly of Crazy Life

Kevin of Trailer Trash Deluxe

Karilin of That Nameless Color

Arthur from Pouring My Art Out

Go to these people’s blogs, do what they tell you to do (they’re calling from inside the house), and get free shit because this is America (depending where you’re standing) and in this country we give people prizes for existing. Seriously, it’s not that hard. In fact, I have yet another giveaway today for anyone who follows the rules on this link:

I’M GIVING AWAY MORE GIFT CARDS SO CLICK THIS RIGHT NOW.

Oh, and by the way…

HAPPY HALLOWEEN, MOTHA FUCKAASS!!!

Aren’t you hyped? Because if not, you should be. Halloween is awesome; candy, costumes, dickheaded teenagers running around in black hoodies and making fun of us for being adults… I love this holiday. Also, I might be in my local paper in the coming days because last night was Trick-or-Treat night in my town and some reporter took some pictures of me in my all-out Bride of Frankenstein gear.

Or he may have just been a pervert. Either way, I’m calling it a win.

This is Alessandro and I as Dr. Frankenstein and his wife. Note how the black and white really brings out the antique effect, despite the fact we're using a webcam...

This is Alessandro and I as Dr. Frankenstein and his bride. Note how the black and white really brings out the antique effect, despite the fact we’re using a webcam…

I also tried to recreate the original movie picture, but then I realized my large nose just would not have that. It longs to be heard.

I also tried to recreate the original movie picture, but then I realized my large nose just would not have that. It longs to be heard.

And these were my oh-so-classy stripper shoes that make me 6 feet tall (we measured for accuracy). They're super fun to walk in, too...

And these were my oh-so-classy stripper shoes that make me 6 feet tall (we measured for accuracy). They’re super fun to walk in, too…

I don’t know how many of you are 6 feet tall and above, but fun fact: it fucking rocks. You totally get to tower over everybody and feel like an Amazon queen. (Or Amazon king if you’re a guy… but perhaps not because I’m not sure Amazonian kings existed. But then I always wonder what happened to baby boys born to Amazon women. Do they just do that Spartan thing where they’d throw them off a cliff? Or do they get sent away to Amazonian boarding school because nobody in Amazon-Land wants to raise a male? Also, who impregnates these women? Is there a tribe of super-men who come around every year to bust a nut in some tall warrior ladies? So many questions…)

Anyways, I digress. Another fun fact: without my wig, I totally look like the Joker. Imagine all this makeup with bright red hair.

My face doesn't just look white. I'm caked in WHITE ASS MAKEUP. Like white. I can't stress that enough.

My face doesn’t just look white. I’m caked in WHITE ASS MAKEUP. Like white. I can’t stress that enough.

It was really fun putting all this crap on my face and especially drawing the scars. I used those cheap Party City costume makeup crayons and it still stinks like wax up in this place. Some little kids didn’t wanna come up to my porch because they were scared of me. But that’s okay because apparently, parents don’t teach their children to say “Thank you” anymore so kids just give me a “Fuck-You-Where’s-My-Candy”-stare and hold out their tiny little hands. Then I’m expected to compliment their shitty costumes, give them candy, and tell them they’re cute and to have a “Happy Halloween” just because I’m an adult?!? Well, fuck that noise. Your kids can get razor-blade chocolate for all I care. I don’t give people compliments unless I truly mean them and, quite frankly, their costumes are lame. I wasn’t even drinking last night (at least not a lot), and I still managed to smile at tiny jerkoffs who thought that I was a witch or Morticia Addams. Just because the real Bride of Frankenstein wig was too small for my gangster-size head (that’s an “8” in fitted caps for those of you who don’t know) and I had to reappropriate an Amy Winehouse wig (which I did fantastically), doesn’t mean you’re allowed to be stupid. I will say that wigs are incredibly fun, however.

(I secretly wanna go around wearing different colored wigs, pretending to be someone else. People will be like, “Alanna? Is that you?” and I’ll reply, “I have no idea who you’re talking about, my name is Avada Cadabra. Good day.” And just walk off into the sunset.)

Oh, by the way, why did nobody tell me there are zillions of makeup tutorial videos on YouTube??! All this time, I’m walking around looking like a person who taught herself how to apply makeup (which I did), practically looking like Janis Joplin, wondering why all these other girls came to class or the store or the fucking laundromat with professional-looking makeup. All these years feeling bad about myself for not looking like the girls on PLL when in fact it’s really super easy and all you have to do is watch some random girl put on makeup while she videotapes herself!!!

I blame you all for my ignorance.

But I forgive you because now it’s time to announce the winner of my “Guest Post Competition”…

(Hello, drumroll?)

(Also, this isn’t the winner of the other giveaway, just the one you should know about if you’ve been reading my blog the past week.)

…..

..

.

(Pissed yet?)

.

Well, let me preface this by saying that it was really difficult to pick a winner because everyone’s posts were excellent and funny and different. I thought about giving out more gift cards on multiple occasions, but unfortunately, I’m not rich like that. I’m sorry to those of you who submitted but didn’t win. Remember you can still win a gift card by doing today’s giveaway. You’re all still amazing, but just like the Highlander, there can only be one.

The only problem is that (unlike today’s contest), I chose the winner myself and of course personal biases came into play. I tried to make a pro’s and con’s list. Without divulging what are “pro’s” and what are “con’s”, my lists included such gems as “‘Billy Madison’ reference”, or “My personal opinion possibly skewed by obvious attraction to writer”, or “Poop jokes :)”.

So, basically, after long and careful deliberation, Underdaddy is the winner with his post entitled “Tampon Anonymous“.

Congratulations!

Please be sure to read and visit the blogs of everyone who posted (there’s only 10 so it’s not that hard), and give them your love. They all deserve it for being awesome and as far as I’m concerned, they’re all on my list of funny people. They totally deserve some snaps.

For anyone else who wants to win stuff too, comment here and you’ll be automatically in the running for another $25 gift certificate to the place of your choosing (at least from this list). So comment, people!! And visit the folks for “Funny Blog Friday”!! Happy Halloween, everybody!! And have a very funny Friday! :)

MUNSTERRS

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Funny Blog Friday, LEND ME YOUR GUEST POSTS!

Everybody Loves Comedy And Free Shit. Get Yours Here!

(Seriously, folks. Tell your friends. Get hyped. There are gift cards at stake!!)

Okay, so in honor of next week’s first official Funny Blog Friday #FBF (which you can read about here), I’m hosting a little competition. Basically, you can submit a great post to me, new or old, that I will post on my blog next Friday (October 31st) when there will be a lot of traffic.

(We’re pretty much starting a social media movement. Like Live Aid but better.)

My favorite submissions will be posted here and the best post will be featured and that person will get a $25 gift card to their choice of these establishments. (Only because they’re the only gift cards on Amazon that can be delivered virtually.) Then, next Friday, there will also be a lottery for another gift card for anyone who comments on my post that day. Even if it’s just, “I wanna be in the prize pool. Peace out.” Or even, “Blughkfaekaaeecxg.” The sky is the limit. 

Although you must comment on MY post on MY site. The other participants are also doing giveaways so I won’t be able to see if you post elsewhere. If you don’t have a blog, you can email me that day and still be included.

Now to the contest at hand…

Pick/write your favorite post that you think the world needs to see and email it to me. This part is crucial. YOU MUST EMAIL ME. You can also include a description of your blog and a bit about yourself in the post and/or email. Remember to sign your name and a link to your blog so people can find you. You can use pictures, videos, whatever. I will not edit your post at all, so you have to proofread it yourself, and you can be confident that I won’t add anything to your beautiful work. HOWEVER, I’m all about free speech, but I WILL NOT POST AND RACIST, HOMOPHOBIC, SEXIST, OR ANY TRULY OFFENSIVE STUFF. Leave that noise on your own blog. I just won’t allow it on mine. Your post can be about anything at all (other than the aforementioned “-isms”), so go crazy. If you have any questions, you can totally email me or comment on any of my posts. You should add my email to your contacts list so it doesn’t get spammed.

MY EMAIL: alannabelike@gmail.com

A L A N N A B E L I K E @ G M A I L (dot) C O M

If for whatever reason you can’t email me there, leave me a comment and I’ll get back to you.

Here’s the list of gift card places to choose from in case you can’t see the above link:

Aeropostale
AMC Theatres
American Eagle
Applebee’s
Aurelio’s Pizza
Bass Pro Shops
Beaches Restaurant & Bar
Black Angus
Border
Boudreaux’s Cajun Kitchen
Brinker
Buca di Beppo
Buffalo Wild Wings
California Pizza Kitchen
Cattleman’s Roadhouse
Chili’s Grill & Bar
Cold Stone Creamery
Cracker Barrel
Dickey’s Barbecue
Dilly’s Deli
Domino’s Pizza
Express
Forever 21
Ghirardelli
Gordmans
Grinders Above & Beyond
IHOP
K&W Cafeterias
La Madeleine
Legal Sea Foods
Logan’s Roadhouse
Macaroni Grill
Maggiano’s
Monkey Burger
Mr. Chicken
OfficeMax
PacSun
Panda Express
Papa John’s Pizza
Petco
Red Robin
Sephora
Si Senor
Spafinder Wellness 365
Sports Authority
Sur La Table
Texas De Brazil
Texas Roadhouse
The Cheesecake Factory
The Container Store
Uncle Julio’s

So get writing, people! $25 is on the line!!

(Contest ends by Thursday at 11:59pm Eastern Time. But probably more like 2:00 or 3:00am Friday because I’ll be handing out candy and drinking.)

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