“Bloody Mary, Full Of Vodka, Blessed Are You Among Cocktails. Pray For Me Now At The Hour Of My Death, Which I Hope Is Soon. Amen.”

(That’s from “Archer” but it rings true here as well. Thank God for Russians. And tomato juice.)

Ahh yess… I am quite the lucky one. I’ve been given the glorious task of contributing pictures of my ex boyfriend for his birthday party/girlfriend’s baby shower. And because of my blessed Catholic guilt, I agreed to do it. So as I sit here, cropping myself out of memories and chugging bloody mary’s, I have to wonder…

Is there such a thing as “too much” vodka?

I’ve concluded there is not, although I know this in my heart to be false. However, I’m unsure if I currently have a heart because there is nothing inside me but alcohol and numbness. (Also tomato juice, which is giving me a bit of heartburn.)

I’ve created a fun new drinking game out of this pain and loneliness: take a drink whenever I start to cry.

(At present, I am plastered.)

Do you guys remember that game (and/or “horror-fest”) that you played as children when you’d go into the bathroom at midnight and say “Bloody Mary” 3 times in the mirror? Well even though she doesn’t appear and slaughter you (spoiler alert), you will see a crazed redheaded woman screaming with makeup running down her face.

At least that’s what I see.

bloody mary tumblr

Despite the fact that I was always more of a Queen Elizabeth fan, I’m starting to understand Mary Tudor’s methods. (Not killing Protestants. I just mean the whole “burning people” thing.) She was just pissed, that’s all. Her lovely mother was replaced by a trashy ho named Anne Boleyn and she wasn’t about to let her shitty hypocrite father stomp all over her beliefs. “Defender of the Faith”, my ass! Thinks he’s a goddamn prophet…

Anyways, people should quit giving her a raft of shit because I’d probably do the same thing if my father tossed my mom out and tried to disown me…

oh, wait! He totally did! (The latter part at least.)

mary tudor bloody mary

Also, thank you very much to my ex and his family for giving me the task of providing you with pictures that I TOOK.

kenny powers meme

So fuck them and fuck everybody and have a nice day. Also check out this post from Thought Catalog that reminded me of my post from a couple weeks ago. God bless and peace out and whatever else people say. I’m getting too drunk to see the keyboard.

UPDATE NOVEMBER 13th, 2014:

I totally emailed her the pictures and said something like, “Here’s the pictures, congratulations on everything! Wishing you all the best! *smiley face* ” and guess what the fuck she said in her response email…

“Thank you for the pictures. Your being really nice about this whole baby thing I know it’s hard because you still have feelings for zach but we are about to start a family and you gotta understand where I’m coming from when I ask you to stop contacting him.”

Ignoring all the grammar and spelling mistakes, I’m sitting here like WHAT IN THE ABSOLUTE FUCK?!?! I don’t even contact him, HE contacts ME and I don’t want to be a part of their shitty little family!!!

(As though I’d leave my current fantastic boyfriend and get together with my ex so he can be a giant anchor shackled to my foot forever pulling me deeper and deeper into the water until I’m drowning in regret and clutching onto his child who calls me “Aunt Alanna”.)

Absolutely not! Ridiculous

So I responded with this:

“Of course, I totally respect that and I wish you both the best. I won’t contact Zach anymore and I’m truly sorry if I’ve offended you in any way. That was never my intention. I really do wish you both happiness and I’m glad that I could help with the pictures. I promise you won’t be hearing from me anymore lol :)”

BECAUSE THAT IS WHO THE FUCK I AM, PEOPLE. THAT IS WHO. I. AM.!!!!!!!!!

*drops mic*

Advertisements

“Oh, You Need A New Heart? I’m Still Using Mine, But You Can Have It.”

(I am a giant pushover, and everyone I know takes advantage of this fact. I need to re-read “The Prince”. By the way, this post isn’t going to be funny.)

Machiavelli was probably right: “The fact is that a man who wants to act virtuously in every way necessarily comes to grief among so many who are not virtuous.” I’m not trying to say that I am always doing something for the best reasons or even that I’m a good person, but all too often throughout my life people have used me for my kindness in wanting to help them or for stuff that I have/can do for them. There are honestly very few people I can say I trust. Those who will have my back and I’ll always have theirs.

I’ve been fucked over so many times and let it go because I try to be forgiving. I try to help my friends or people who are in need (see my post on “Catholic Guilt”), only to turn around and watch them scatter when I need help myself. Therefore, I am officially calling bullshit on everyone and everything. (Just like my girl Victoria, on Angst.)

art-bampw-bullshit-quote-text-Favim.com-345096

How many times do I have to be fucked over to realize that people are shitty and are just trying to take advantage of me? Again, I’ll quote Machiavelli:

“Of mankind we may say in general they are fickle, hypocritical, and greedy of gain.”

I have had quite a few experiences in the last few weeks that have reminded me that people are inherently evil and never to be trusted. A particular instance occurred when I made a new friend and loaned that person something I couldn’t afford to lose. Foolishly, I went against my better instincts and trusted this person. (I can’t tell you the story because it is kind of super illegal. Sorry. I really wish I could write what happened.) Regardless, my constant need to make people like me once again led to my demise. Now I have to live with the knowledge that I’m TOTALLY FUCKED and it’s MY GODDAMN STUPID FAULT.

However, this idiot made a mistake: he let me know where he lives and who he hangs out with. Bad call, bro. Another thing Machiavelli said:

“Before all else, be armed.”

Watch the fuck out, asshole. I'm coming for you.
Watch the fuck out, asshole. I’m coming for you.

Just kidding. I’m not gonna kill anyone. But I have my field hockey stick and I’m like Happy Gilmore with that bitch. I don’t even know how many girls I’ve given concussions to in my time of playing the sport. (Not like a straight whack to the head, but sometimes the ball would get some air and people were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.)

Basically, I’m going to live life from now on according to Machiavellian Principle. I’m not even a scary person. I don’t threaten people and I’ve never physically fought anyone. But maybe it’s better to be scary, threatening, and possibly viewed as crazy? What do you think?

“It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.”

“Is The Pope Catholic?” “Uhh… I Dunno, Are You Too Stupid Think Of A Better Rhetorical Question?”

(The answer is “yes”. If you use this poor example of sarcasm, I probably hate you.)

I just got back from my first religion class in 3 years, and I already creeped out my professor by asking him some questions after class. I was just trying to ask about the assignments and if we get extra credit for going to church, but things took a turn because I got nervous and started rambling and I think I said something offensive.

He looked at me like he was worried I’d follow him to his car and murder him. This is exactly why I shouldn’t be allowed to talk to other human beings.

Anyway, I started thinking about my own religion (if you don’t know this already, I’m a Catholic) and how it has shaped my life and pretty much my entire personality.

So today I’m here to talk about this really fun thing called “Catholic Guilt”.

And trust me folks, it’s not just some urban legend designed to justify why most of us are self-loathing and make for good television characters (i.e. Jack Donaghy on “30 Rock”).

"There is a crushing guilt that comes with being a Catholic. Whether things are good or bad, or you are simply eating tacos in the park, there is always the crushing guilt."
“There is a crushing guilt that comes with being a Catholic. Whether things are good or bad, or you are simply eating tacos in the park, there is always the crushing guilt.”

Always. I cannot stress enough how serious this is. Especially when your parents are 2 extremely “devout” hard-core Catholics who like to tell you how much of a sinner you are, even though they are terrible people themselves. It’s not their fault, though. They also have the guilt, they’re just more asshole-ish about it.

My dad sent me an email the other day (man I wish I kept all of them because they’re all so hilarious and mean) that basically said I’m shitty and will most likely go to Hell. I’ve included bits of it here (excluding the super racist parts, though, as well as correcting spelling and grammar) so you can see what I’m talking about:

“It is the story of where the “arrogant ___” defied God’s direction (except Caleb) and he became so angry, none of their generation was permitted to see the promised land…and even Moses was punished (because he allowed them to send spies rather than simply taking direction).
If you do not honor your mother and your father you shall surely die…
If you will not learn to control what goes into your mouth [I laughed out loud here] and what comes out of your mouth you will not be able to control anything.
If the only man to ever talk to God “face to face” can be punished, so can you….
32 But for all this, you did not trust the LORD your God, 33 who goes before you on your way, to seek out a place for you to encamp, in fire by night and cloud by day, to show you the way in which you should go‘…
36 except Caleb the son of Jephunneh; he shall see it, and to him and to his sons I will give the land on which he has set foot, because he has followed the LORD fully. 37 The LORD was angry with me also on your account, saying, “Not even you shall enter there. 38 Joshua the son of Nun, who stands before you, he shall enter there; encourage him, for he will cause Israel to inherit it”‘…
I will not help you defy the Lord so that I will be punished…
You will do what is right even if ‘you don’t want to be told what to do’ (in your arrogance) or you will be a true ‘orphan’. [What a dick.]
I have reached the end of my tolerance.”

My dad uses a lot of ellipses. Maybe that’s where I get it…

So now you kind of can see where I’m coming from. It’s great because this isn’t even a good example of how real things get. In all honesty, I have no clue why he’s mad. I probably didn’t answer the phone when my mom called…?

"Tisk, tisk."
“Tisk, tisk.”

Despite the fact that I’m not sure what I did wrong, I still feel bad. Sometimes I feel like I understand those Japanese people who kill themselves when they get a “B” on a test. I do in fact have many short-comings, but I try to ignore them and pretend I’m awesome. That’s where the Catholic guilt comes into play: a constant reminder that you’re not as great as you think you are.

(Even as I’m typing this, I really want some whiskey. But the liquor store is closed and now I feel guilty because I’m bugging [my boyfriend] to take me to the bar. He’s getting annoyed and sighing a lot. Lame.)

Oh well. Only 9 more hours until the liquor store opens. :)

Peeping Pope

Peace be with all y’all.