(Jk. I showered in the interim. But only because the back of my head turned into a giant dreadlock and my cat fell in the toilet. It’s been a tough month.)
This isn’t really a cohesive post because I’ve been sick and I have to go back to school next week and I want to jump off a cliff. I’ve been hiding in bed with Rufus (my giant stuffed dog), Nyquil, and large bags of chips. It’s also come to my attention that I’ve gained weight because apparently when you turn 23 you can’t sit around eating bullshit and drinking entire cases of beer anymore.
Not to mention that evvverrryyything is falling apart. Over Christmas, Diane Kitten decided to celebrate the holidays by eating tinsel and scoot around the apartment dragging a long shiny string from her butt with a little turd ball on the end, and I couldn’t even snap a picture because everything was happening so fast and my body was in a laughter-seizure.
Then for the New Year (and because she only drinks water that poses adventure), she was sitting on the bathroom sink watching me pee (it’s weird, I know, shut up) and when I got up, SHE JUMPED INTO THE GODDAMN TOILET. I screamed and she screamed and it was totally madness (not at all Sparta), but luckily Alessandro ran in and saved the day by fishing her out and covering all of us in my urine.
In light of all this crazy, I barely did any work on my novel, washed none of my clothes, didn’t clean my house at all (except for the bathroom), and wasted my entire break in bed/playing Grand Theft Auto V. Also, my body is turning on me because for the very first time in my life I threw up after drinking.
So now I have to lose weight, stop drinking, do my laundry, and find a new therapist. (The one I see at school for free is great, but she’s really nice and I tend to lie to her so she doesn’t see how nuts I am. How are you supposed to tell a sweet little Christian lady your opinions on the best methods of torture/execution or details of the dirty dream you had about your cousin?)
You can read all about it in my book. If I ever actually finish.
Anyways, so I don’t bum you guys out too hard, I’ll end with a conversation between me and myself which Alessandro so rudely interrupted…
ME: They say, “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth”, but why the Hell not? Are they self-conscious about their teeth or bad breath or something? And if so, somebody give them a mint and some Crest White Strips. Or is it because they’ll bite you and then they wouldn’t technically be a “gift horse” but rather a “punishment horse”?
ME: Or is the expression, “Don’t PUNCH a gift horse in the mouth”? Because at least that would make sense. Nobody likes being punched in the mouth, including gift horses. Also, what even is a “gift horse”? I have to look this up…
ME:[Making a verbal reminder on my cell phone] “Lookup ‘gift horse’. And the expression about it.” I’m picturing a horse with a fancy hat that rides into towns in the Wild West, bringing gifts to all the good pioneer people, like a sort of equine Santa Claus. Unless you punched him in the mouth. In which case he comes to your house and takes a giant horse-dump in your stockings. Instead of coal.
ALESSANDRO:[Poking his head into the bedroom with a look of great confusion] Who the HELL are you talking to??! Are you alright?!?
ME: I’m reminding myself to lookup the origin of why you shouldn’t punch a gift horse in the mouth.
ALESSANDRO: It’s, “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.”
ME: Why not though?
ALESSANDRO: Because a horse’s teeth indicate how healthy it is, so if someone gives you a horse it’s considered rude to look at its mouth since you’re assuming they gave you a weak or sickly horse.
ME: Well then the saying should really be, “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth until after the person who gave you the gift horse leaves and then you can be all kind of judgemental about their crappy non-gift horse.”
ALESSANDRO: …Uhhh…. I guess so…
Exactly. Get with it, colloquialisms. Nobody wants to end up with a broken horse. (Actually… yes you do. Oh well. You guys know what I mean.)
(I feel like Jesus would probably be all like, “‘Good Friday’?? Maybe you assholes should get nailed to a cross and tell me how ‘good’ it is then. Dicks…”)
So today I’m at my mom’s house and am supposed to be doing laundry but I can’t seem to justify getting off the couch. It’s Good Friday, but not being allowed to eat meat and doing silent prayer for a whole hour isn’t exactly my definition of “good”.
(Then again, I completely forgot it was Lent until a few days ago so I’m not an expert in this area.)
Back in the day when I was in elementary and middle school, we used to do this crazy all-day church thing where we’d go through all the stations of the cross and pray the rosary. It was pretty much just a giant clusterfuck of kneeling and standing back up and kneeling down again.
It’s quite like P90x without the techno music in the background.
There was also the slightly disturbing practice in which they’d make the 8th graders act out “The Passion of the Cross”. If you’ve ever seen the Mel Gibson movie, it’s like that except with children. We’d all be assigned parts and the poor slob who was Jesus had to stand in front of the whole church covered in fake blood while the rest of us yelled, “CRUCIFY HIM!!” over and over again. Then he had to carry around this like 50-pound cross for 2 hours as we acted out every single part of the story.
I had this big speech about how we all realized after the fact that we were dicks and shouldn’t have let Jesus die. I just watched the video my mom took of it, and at this one part the kid who plays Jesus falls over with the giant cross. It’s amazing but I can’t show you for privacy reasons. I’m so very sorry…
So anyways, have a pleasant Good Friday and no matter what you believe, you’re all awesome for reading this. God and/or Kabbalah Monster thanks you for your time.
(P.S. Why did everyone stop saying “YOLO”? I miss it.)
(Sort of. It’s kind of a mix between that, my ramblings, and Gina and I being awesome. So… you’re welcome.)
I’m sorry it’s been so long since I last posted. I’ve been wondering if I could pay someone to pretend to be me and take care of all my responsibilities while I sleep.
(I’m not having much luck.)
Also, I’m spending my Valentine’s Day watching tv and drinking by myself because Alessandro is too busy to hang out with me. (Like school and work are more important than me or something?) Therefore, my new boyfriend is a dog-shaped body pillow named “Rufus”. He never yells at me for the giant pile of laundry or tries to explain the math involved in fluid dynamics to me. Plus, he doesn’t judge me for day-drinking or spending too much money at McDonald’s.
My perfect man. <3
Another fun fact: as of February 2nd, I’ve been blogging for 7 months. (I missed my 6-month blogging anniversary, which by the way, is technically a misnomer. “Anniversary” implies a year, so I think they should make up a term for the 6-month mark rather than adding slang and Harry Potter words to the dictionary. But whatever, Merriam and/or Webster. I guess you have more important things to worry about. Like being dead.) You can read my very first post here and see how much I’ve changed. Although it hasn’t been much…
But I’d like to thank you all for staying with me through the ramblings and the nonsense. It truly means a lot. I hope you all stay around for another 7 months (and then hopefully after that as well).
That being said, Gina and I once again have embarked upon a joint-post. This time, it’s our various search terms which led to our blogs and our responses to them. Search terms are always fun, but I’ve gotta say, God bless Google Analytics.
1. it’s all fun and games until your jeans don’t fit
Gina: Oh man, I can’t even make fun of this one because I fall into this category. Have there been days when I’ve had to lie flat on my back to zip up my jeans? Yes. Yes there have. *whispers, “nearly every day”* *makes sad face*
2. I’m not always a bitch just kidding go fuck yourself
Gina: You know how often at the end of work emails you’ll see people put their company logo and some kind of positive sentiment? The Customer is Priority One! I would love to put this line as my personal motto.
Me: Yeah, I’ve got nothing.
3. classy stripper
Gina: Hmmm, yes, where to begin with these two words. They don’t go together of course. I’m trying to imagine what such a woman would look like. Would she wear a button-up blouse and pearls? Wear her hair in a tight bun? Discuss English literature with her patrons? Lady, if you are a stripper you can never be classy. I’m sorry to break the news to you but it’s true.
Me: Oxymoron? But then again, given my history with stripper poles and costume shoes, I’m not here to judge.
4. asshole award
Gina: We all know people who are deserving of an “Asshole Award”. When I first read this phrase for some reason my mind brought up an image of an actual AWARD. Like a trophy. How would you represent the “puckered starfish” in bronze I wondered? So I googled “asshole award” and the image below is not what I was looking for but it’s so amazingly awesome I had to share:
Me: Okay, I might be a jerk but I don’t think it deserves an award. Not totally sure Google likes me…
5. life is like a penis
Gina: Um, long periods of boredom spent in the dark with brief moments of pure ecstasy? Wait, life really IS like a penis. I had never thought of that before.
Me: Interesting analogy. I’d like to hear how exactly. In that it is hard sometimes? Or that it’s constantly needing some sort of “job” to be done? The possibilities are endless.
6. suck my dick I’m a shark
Gina: Wow, the whole aggressive “shark” stereotype is actually true. But I don’t like your tone, so there will be no shark fellatio for you.
Me: Do sharks even have dicks? And if so, how are you using a computer, Mr. Shark? You’re fins shouldn’t be able to type. Unless it’s voice recognition. But this is exactly what’s wrong with technology: if sharks have iPHone’s, the next step is the movie “Deep Blue Sea”. And that’s just too much for me to handle. (I don’t want LL Cool J to die!!)
7. Kim Jong-un looking at things he wants to eat
Gina: Considering he’s the only fat person in a country full of starving people, I image that a photo of what he wants to eat is actually what he DOES eat. (He is also an Asshole Award recipient)
Me: The Supreme Leader doesn’t eat. Right? Cause gods or whatever don’t need to eat. Or crap. Apparently.
8. pray for ugly baby
Gina: Um, I guess I can do that. Won’t God be a little put out at such a shallow prayer? Instead of the usual prayers of “heal my sick baby” or “don’t let my starving baby die” heard ‘round the world, you want me to try to pray away your bad genetics. OK, asshole (and I’ll be nominating you for an Asshole Award).
Me: Who the fuck is “ugly baby” and why does this lead to my blog?
9. I care so little I almost passed out
Gina: Wow, such snark. I just pictured a bitchy fifteen-year old girl uttering these words. It’s OK honey. You’re young and inexperienced. It’s a half-way decent insult for someone your age. Keep practicing and you’ll get better.
Me: I’m starting to think these inquiries are somehow pointed…
10. one vodka two vodka three vodka drop dead
Gina: True fact– this is the Dr. Seuss book that was never published. It was before it’s time. However, once it hits the shelves at a later date this year, it’s guaranteed to be a runaway bestseller. The deluxe hardback version will include a tiny vodka bottle keychain for the adults, which can also be used as a backpack hang-tag for kids.
Me: Only if you’re a pussy. Or if “one vodka” = “one 750mL-bottle of vodka”. But even then, it’s a maybe.
11. who needs tits with an ass like this shirt
Gina: I’ve read this sentence a dozen times and it makes me laugh, but seriously it makes no sense. You’d expect the line to be, “Who needs tits with an ass like this” but the addition of the word “shirt” makes it nonsensical. It’s still funny though…
Me: Flat-chested girls just making themselves feel better. The end.
12. things that make you vomit
Gina: Well, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the search term below comes directly after this one. Sometimes the humor just writes itself.
Me: Teenagers better not be coming here to learn how to be bulimic. IT’S CALLED “NOT EATING”, LADIES. LEARN HOW TO DO IT.
13. Larry David naked
Gina: Full disclosure—I love Larry David and think he’s hilarious, but damn, I’ve never wanted to imagine him naked. See search term above.
Me: Hahahahaha, why though? Why did you look this up? Shame on you, person. Ugly baby judges you.
14. hell is filled with people like you
Gina: I love this line and may steal it to use on people in the future.
Me: Yeah… this is really starting to seem pointed. Although not wrong.
15. don’t get a boner challenge
Gina: Oh my gosh, I wish this was a reality show. In general I don’t watch much reality TV but I would totally make an exception in this case. Can you say “ratings landslide”?
Me: I challenge every man around me to this every day. Your move, amigos. (Jk, that’s totally egotistical.)
16. the only package I want this Christmas is yours
Gina: Hahaha… this is so immature and awesome. I would use it on my husband but since he’s Russian, the humor would probably be lost on him. I would have to explain the slang meaning of “package”. If I said this exact phrase to him he’d think I was saying that I was looking forward to HIS Christmas gift the most. Sometimes it sucks to be married to a spouse whose first language isn’t English.
Me: Bahaha, people are excellent.
17. you give my middle finger an erection
Gina: Love this! Again, it’s immature but I love it. This comment stands on its own. I can add nothing more to it.
Me: Yeah, me neither.
18. I don’t give a fuck god sent me to piss the world off
Gina: I know SO MANY people who seem to subscribe to this belief. I think it may be a true statement. Thanks God. (Note—this person is also a likely Asshole Award recipient).
Me: I love that Eminem lyrics come to my blog. “Stop the tape! this kid needs to be locked away! DR.DRE, DON’T JUST STAND THERE, OPERATE!!!”
19. rape sloth birthday
Gina: Well, I’m pretty sure that this is the first time in the history of the world that these three words have been grouped together. I can’t even hazard a guess at what the person was searching for. Do they want to rape a sloth? Is it a sloth’s birthday? This makes my brain hurt.
Me: Ahhhh, readers. Did I tell you how much I love you already? Because I can’t stress that enough.
20. thank you for being the piss in my pants
Gina: This could be the inside sentiment of the worst Valentine’s Day card ever. Or depending on your sense of humor, perhaps the BEST Valentine’s Day card ever. Ugh, I’m thinking of those people with the “Golden Shower” fetish. Yeah, those people would love that card.
Me: You are quite welcome. Excellent insult, by the way.
(I was supposed to post this earlier this morning but I died yesterday around 2:00am and finally had to kick my ass out of bed. Because that’s how much I care.)
I might be dead right now. I’m not completely sure.
I decided to make Long Island Iced Teas on New Year’s Eve, but with really cheap alcohol and barely any Coke. (Also I forgot the Triple Sec, but in all honesty, I have no clue what that is anyway.)
One thing that really pissed me off though was that stupid bottle of 1800 tequila. It has a cork-thing as a top and after struggling with it for about 200 years, it popped open and covered me in stinky fucking tequila. I almost barfed right there because I forgot how that is the smell of being disgustingly hungover.
Originally, I’d bought all this alcohol for a group of friends to have over that night. I spent all day meticulously cleaning my apartment (I found so much stuff Alessandro and I lost over the past 8 months, it was scary), and busting my ass to make nice food and bullshit, but of course my friends are total dicks and didn’t come.
Too afraid of D.U.I.’s or whatever… bitches.
Anyways, I thought about how I never really make New Year’s resolutions but if I’m going to start, they’re gonna be things that I TRULY wanna do so that I actually do them. None of this “lose weight, volunteer, stop beating your wife” bullshit. Real resolutions.
My 2015 Resolutions:
1. “Kill people, burn shit, fuck school.”
Cause that’s what Tyler the Creator says and, frankly, I have to agree.
2. Start smoking everywhere I want, no matter how inappropriate or not-allowed.
For example, the children’s ward at the hospital, church, maybe even in a bar.
3. Take Eminem’s advice on EVERYTHING.
(But like 2000-era Eminem. Not him today. He went soft.)
4. Live every day like it’s the first 30 minutes of “Intervention”.
Before they actually give the intervention.
5. See how long I can go without taking a shower.
My current record is like 5 days. You’d be amazed how little others notice about your hygeine.
Well, that’s it. Remember that you can enter the contest here: Rafflecopter.com (or comment on this post) and win a $25 gift card to these places. Good luck and Happy New Year/Funny Blog Friday!!!