Just Your Everyday Neighborhood Nonsense, My Boyfriend Has A Mustache, People From My Past, Story Time, Who Is Alanna?

Nightmare On North Pine Street

(Or maybe it’s “Inception”.  Either way, somebody is screwing up my dreams and I don’t know what to do about it.)

So Alessandro and I have officially decided that we’re gonna get engaged once he gets a proper engineering job and saves up enough money for a ring (please hold your excitement and congratulations for the post where we actually get engaged and I have a giant-ass diamond on my finger).  What’s bothering me though is that someone I haven’t seen or thought about in YEARS keeps showing up in my dreams like Freddy-stupid-Krueger.  Like I don’t know this person anymore, I have no idea what they’re doing with their life, I don’t even know what they look like now.

(In fact, he could actually look like Freddy Krueger.  Maybe he was in some type of fire incident that involved him killing little kids and the townspeople taking their revenge?  Or he could look perfect and handsome, exactly as I remember him but now grown up so perhaps better.  The point is I have no idea and shouldn’t even care because I am happy with the person I’m about to spend my life with SO WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME???????)

The story of this person infecting my life begins with myself at the tender age of 12, attending my first track practice of the year in early March. I actually took a year off from my little private school to see what public school was like and was only on my old school’s track team because the public school didn’t have a track team for 6th graders. I had also finally gotten out of my awkward stage, grown 5 inches, and (if I do say so myself) achieved quite the little body in six-grader standards. Plus, my bangs had finally grown out from the year before which taught me a great life lesson about never ever getting bangs ever again.

The first day of practice was freezing cold and even my heavy sweatshirt and thick sweatpants couldn’t keep out the piercing wind. I met one of my friends on the hill overlooking the track to chatter about nonsense and current 6th grade gossip when I made the unfortunate mistake of looking down onto the football field. 200 yards away (maybe, I have no ability to judge distance) I locked eyes with the single most perfect human being I had ever seen (he even put 2005-era Chad Michael Murray and Ashton Kutcher to shame). While my friend rambled on about whatever it was (I wasn’t listening), me and this demigod continued look deeply (and from far away) into each other’s eyes and I couldn’t feel the bitter cold anymore. I interrupted my friend asking, “Who is THAT?!?!” She looked down at the young man also standing with a friend and said, “That guy? Oh that’s [yeah-right-I’m-not-saying-his-name-I-know-who-reads-this-now-and-you’re-probably-all-laughing-at-me-cause-you-know-exactly-who-it-is]. He’s friends with my brother.” My very first words regarding this person was my reply: “I’m going to have his babies.”

(Sixth-grade-Alanna was quite the little minx and very brazen. She also had recently learned what sex was due to her newly-found public school education and something called “health class”, otherwise unheard of in Catholic school.)

My friend got all excited because this type of news was her oxygen and she continued to support me through the years of ups and downs from my perilous unrequited love.

Flash forward to 9th grade (since then, I’m still crushing hard and have reentered Catholic school), the first day of high school, first period Latin class: I’m wearing my “cool” new uniform and am feeling all grown up, ready to take on the world and let the real learning begin because nothing could distract me from my pursuit of higher education. I was pretty nervous so I wasn’t actually looking at anybody as the rest of the class filed in. When it came time for our teacher to assign seats, she said, “Okay, [I’m-still-not-saying-his-name]? Switch seats with Alanna, that’ll be your desk.” I didn’t think anything of the name since it’s pretty common and got up to let this person take my seat. The kid behind me gets up and our bodies touch as he passes by me in the narrow aisle and I almost faint because the boy I’ve been obsessed with for 2 years was totally within kissing distance not 5 seconds ago. My brain stopped working for what seemed like a short time but was apparently a while, and I wasn’t roused from my standing-coma until the second, “Alanna? Your seat is behind [this-is-getting-embarrassing-but-as-you-all-know-I’m-too-candid-for-my-own-good]. Isn’t that funny? You two were sitting in each other’s assigned seats totally by coincidence!” He turned around and smiled at me (fully aware of the crush I’d been harboring for him all this time) and for the rest of class, I didn’t hear a word anyone said except his, all of which made me blush to the point where my face was the same color as my hair.

155

This is our only picture together.  What a cute couple lolamirite?

I continued to be in love with him until November of my 11th grade year when I made the conscious decision to fall out of love with him. I changed up all the ways I walked in the halls so as not to see him between classes, I stopped going to lunch and study hall (he was in all of mine because the universe has a sick sense of humor), and I avoided all school events he was likely to attend as well as stopping going to church because our families always went to the same mass. Eventually, I stopped thinking about him and met my very first boyfriend. That year, my crush graduated and other than a couple times watching Penn State football games and a few Christmas masses, I haven’t seen him again.

Until about a month ago, that is. And not in real life either. Just whenever I go to sleep.

I’ve actually tried staying up days at a time, but when I finally fall asleep, the dreams are longer and more vivid than ever. I have no idea what’s happening but it needs to stop. It’s actually come to the point where I wake up and am surprised by Alessandro being next to me instead of him. Maybe I should re-watch the “Nightmare on Elm Street” movies and see how those kids handled it. (Although I’m pretty sure they all either killed themselves or got locked up in insane asylums. If I stop blogging, you guys know where I am.)

Alanna and Freddy Kreuger Nightmare of Elm Street

So why is this happening?  Can somebody dig up Freud to help me?  At this point, I’d kill for a night of tossing and turning over ghosts or killers.  High school is truly to be feared…

Standard
Alanna And Gina On The Issues, Just Your Everyday Neighborhood Nonsense, Lists, Who Is Alanna?

Happy Valentine’s Day, Everybody. This Is My Love Letter To You.

(Sort of. It’s kind of a mix between that, my ramblings, and Gina and I being awesome. So… you’re welcome.)

I’m sorry it’s been so long since I last posted. I’ve been wondering if I could pay someone to pretend to be me and take care of all my responsibilities while I sleep.

(I’m not having much luck.)

Also, I’m spending my Valentine’s Day watching tv and drinking by myself because Alessandro is too busy to hang out with me. (Like school and work are more important than me or something?) Therefore, my new boyfriend is a dog-shaped body pillow named “Rufus”. He never yells at me for the giant pile of laundry or tries to explain the math involved in fluid dynamics to me. Plus, he doesn’t judge me for day-drinking or spending too much money at McDonald’s.

My perfect man. <3

Rufus

Another fun fact: as of February 2nd, I’ve been blogging for 7 months. (I missed my 6-month blogging anniversary, which by the way, is technically a misnomer. “Anniversary” implies a year, so I think they should make up a term for the 6-month mark rather than adding slang and Harry Potter words to the dictionary. But whatever, Merriam and/or Webster. I guess you have more important things to worry about. Like being dead.) You can read my very first post here and see how much I’ve changed. Although it hasn’t been much…

But I’d like to thank you all for staying with me through the ramblings and the nonsense. It truly means a lot. I hope you all stay around for another 7 months (and then hopefully after that as well).

Valentine Kanye West Funny

I totally do. That’s a lot of love.

That being said, Gina and I once again have embarked upon a joint-post. This time, it’s our various search terms which led to our blogs and our responses to them. Search terms are always fun, but I’ve gotta say, God bless Google Analytics.

1. it’s all fun and games until your jeans don’t fit

Gina: Oh man, I can’t even make fun of this one because I fall into this category. Have there been days when I’ve had to lie flat on my back to zip up my jeans? Yes. Yes there have. *whispers, “nearly every day”* *makes sad face*

Me: #truth

2. I’m not always a bitch just kidding go fuck yourself

Gina: You know how often at the end of work emails you’ll see people put their company logo and some kind of positive sentiment? The Customer is Priority One! I would love to put this line as my personal motto.

Me: Yeah, I’ve got nothing.

3. classy stripper

Gina: Hmmm, yes, where to begin with these two words. They don’t go together of course. I’m trying to imagine what such a woman would look like. Would she wear a button-up blouse and pearls? Wear her hair in a tight bun? Discuss English literature with her patrons? Lady, if you are a stripper you can never be classy. I’m sorry to break the news to you but it’s true.

Me: Oxymoron? But then again, given my history with stripper poles and costume shoes, I’m not here to judge.

4. asshole award

Gina: We all know people who are deserving of an “Asshole Award”. When I first read this phrase for some reason my mind brought up an image of an actual AWARD. Like a trophy. How would you represent the “puckered starfish” in bronze I wondered? So I googled “asshole award” and the image below is not what I was looking for but it’s so amazingly awesome I had to share:

Yes, it’s a cat with a balloon string hanging out of its ass. Oh Internet how I love you so…

Yes, it’s a cat with a balloon string hanging out of its ass. Oh Internet how I love you so…

Me: Okay, I might be a jerk but I don’t think it deserves an award. Not totally sure Google likes me…

5. life is like a penis

Gina: Um, long periods of boredom spent in the dark with brief moments of pure ecstasy? Wait, life really IS like a penis. I had never thought of that before.

Me: Interesting analogy. I’d like to hear how exactly. In that it is hard sometimes? Or that it’s constantly needing some sort of “job” to be done? The possibilities are endless.

6. suck my dick I’m a shark

Gina: Wow, the whole aggressive “shark” stereotype is actually true. But I don’t like your tone, so there will be no shark fellatio for you.

Me: Do sharks even have dicks? And if so, how are you using a computer, Mr. Shark? You’re fins shouldn’t be able to type. Unless it’s voice recognition. But this is exactly what’s wrong with technology: if sharks have iPHone’s, the next step is the movie “Deep Blue Sea”. And that’s just too much for me to handle. (I don’t want LL Cool J to die!!)

7. Kim Jong-un looking at things he wants to eat

Gina: Considering he’s the only fat person in a country full of starving people, I image that a photo of what he wants to eat is actually what he DOES eat. (He is also an Asshole Award recipient)

Me: The Supreme Leader doesn’t eat. Right? Cause gods or whatever don’t need to eat. Or crap. Apparently.

8. pray for ugly baby

Gina: Um, I guess I can do that. Won’t God be a little put out at such a shallow prayer? Instead of the usual prayers of “heal my sick baby” or “don’t let my starving baby die” heard ‘round the world, you want me to try to pray away your bad genetics. OK, asshole (and I’ll be nominating you for an Asshole Award).

Me: Who the fuck is “ugly baby” and why does this lead to my blog?

9. I care so little I almost passed out

Gina: Wow, such snark. I just pictured a bitchy fifteen-year old girl uttering these words. It’s OK honey. You’re young and inexperienced. It’s a half-way decent insult for someone your age. Keep practicing and you’ll get better.

Me: I’m starting to think these inquiries are somehow pointed…

10. one vodka two vodka three vodka drop dead

Gina: True fact– this is the Dr. Seuss book that was never published. It was before it’s time. However, once it hits the shelves at a later date this year, it’s guaranteed to be a runaway bestseller. The deluxe hardback version will include a tiny vodka bottle keychain for the adults, which can also be used as a backpack hang-tag for kids.

Me: Only if you’re a pussy. Or if “one vodka” = “one 750mL-bottle of vodka”. But even then, it’s a maybe.

11. who needs tits with an ass like this shirt

Gina: I’ve read this sentence a dozen times and it makes me laugh, but seriously it makes no sense. You’d expect the line to be, “Who needs tits with an ass like this” but the addition of the word “shirt” makes it nonsensical. It’s still funny though…

Me: Flat-chested girls just making themselves feel better. The end.

12. things that make you vomit

Gina: Well, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the search term below comes directly after this one. Sometimes the humor just writes itself.

Me: Teenagers better not be coming here to learn how to be bulimic. IT’S CALLED “NOT EATING”, LADIES. LEARN HOW TO DO IT.

13. Larry David naked

Gina: Full disclosure—I love Larry David and think he’s hilarious, but damn, I’ve never wanted to imagine him naked. See search term above.

Me: Hahahahaha, why though? Why did you look this up? Shame on you, person. Ugly baby judges you.

14. hell is filled with people like you

Gina: I love this line and may steal it to use on people in the future.

Me: Yeah… this is really starting to seem pointed. Although not wrong.

15. don’t get a boner challenge

Gina: Oh my gosh, I wish this was a reality show. In general I don’t watch much reality TV but I would totally make an exception in this case. Can you say “ratings landslide”?

Me: I challenge every man around me to this every day. Your move, amigos. (Jk, that’s totally egotistical.)

16. the only package I want this Christmas is yours

Gina: Hahaha… this is so immature and awesome. I would use it on my husband but since he’s Russian, the humor would probably be lost on him. I would have to explain the slang meaning of “package”. If I said this exact phrase to him he’d think I was saying that I was looking forward to HIS Christmas gift the most. Sometimes it sucks to be married to a spouse whose first language isn’t English.

Me: Bahaha, people are excellent.

17. you give my middle finger an erection

Gina: Love this! Again, it’s immature but I love it. This comment stands on its own. I can add nothing more to it.

Me: Yeah, me neither.

18. I don’t give a fuck god sent me to piss the world off

Gina: I know SO MANY people who seem to subscribe to this belief. I think it may be a true statement. Thanks God. (Note—this person is also a likely Asshole Award recipient).

Me: I love that Eminem lyrics come to my blog. “Stop the tape! this kid needs to be locked away! DR.DRE, DON’T JUST STAND THERE, OPERATE!!!”

19. rape sloth birthday

Gina: Well, I’m pretty sure that this is the first time in the history of the world that these three words have been grouped together. I can’t even hazard a guess at what the person was searching for. Do they want to rape a sloth? Is it a sloth’s birthday? This makes my brain hurt.

Me: Ahhhh, readers. Did I tell you how much I love you already? Because I can’t stress that enough.

20. thank you for being the piss in my pants

Gina: This could be the inside sentiment of the worst Valentine’s Day card ever. Or depending on your sense of humor, perhaps the BEST Valentine’s Day card ever. Ugh, I’m thinking of those people with the “Golden Shower” fetish. Yeah, those people would love that card.

Me: You are quite welcome. Excellent insult, by the way.

So there you have it. You can read more fun search terms and our responses on Gina’s blog here. And Happy Valentine’s Day from Gina and I!!! Even if you’re single, don’t worry: some random chicks on the internet love you. :)

Batman And Robin Running

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!!!

UPDATE: Also check out my girl http://jessiejanellereyna.com/ she just moved to WordPress.

Standard