Sylvia Plath Is A Buzz-Kill

(Also, I’m losing my mind. Somebody get me a cocktail or I might take a bunch of pills and hide in a hole in my basement. Because apparently that’s what great literature is all about.)

I recently finished The Bell Jar and although it’s an awesome book, you probably shouldn’t read it if you’re emotionally unstable. Nobody told me this so I’m telling you all.

I think I’m going crazy.

Granted, I’ve been there before, but I was totally handling my shit and feeling fine. Now I’m too scared to leave my apartment and paranoid about the government watching our every move.

(Klonopin can only go so far.)

So thanks a bunch, Sylvia. You’ve made me question my sanity and increase my vodka consumption. I hope you’re happy.

(NOTE: Ovens are for cookies and chicken breasts, not human heads. Just in case anyone was wondering.)

I HAVE NEWS AND VODKA. Come Over For A Drink And Some Knowledge Bombs.

(‘Cause my life is blowing up. Much like [insert innapropriate reference here]. There’s really no joking about bombs. Unless they include Jäger. Which supposedly means “hunter” in German. Ergo, comedy + bombs = NEIN!!)

(Also, comedy + Germany = nahh. No offense, Germany. You just have yet to make people laugh.)

Anyways, I saw a tiny alligator today. That’s not my news but I feel like it should be mentioned.

Isn't she cute? Also, she goes well with my neighbor's camo shorts so she's fashionable as far as alligators go. I'm assuming, of course. I don't know how they dress.
Isn’t she cute? Also, she goes well with my neighbor’s camo shorts so she’s fashionable as far as alligators go. I’m assuming, of course. I don’t know how they dress.

But my news is totally non-gator-related. It’s actually pretty awesome and possibly unreal. Perhaps even irrational. (Maybe if an alligator bites me, I’ll wake up and realize it was all a dream like how last night I dreamt LeSean McCoy pooped on my shoes. Which is a story for another time.)

My big news is that I’m working with one of my professors to write a novel.

GAHHHH!!

I’m sorry, I’m just stoked.

Also, she’s badass and a published author of amazing stories so you should all check her out and buy her book because it is totally worth it. I’m not just saying that either. It’s fantastic and also award-winning.

Seriously, though. Buy it. (Or else.) (Sike, not "Or else". But maybe. You never know...)
Seriously, though. Buy it. (Or else.) (Sike, not “Or else”. But maybe. You never know…)

So that’s why I probably won’t be writing much on here in the next few months. My book is gonna be about some serious stuff like mental illness and institutionalization and the like, but no worries folks; I’m only here to make you laugh. But in secret, I do have another side. It’s dark and crazy and a little bit sick. Maybe you’ll like it, though. So wish me luck and hope I get published.

If I make it as a writer, everybody’s getting a boat.

So, ya know… send good vibes. You might just get a boat.

(And who doesn’t love a nice boat?)

No one, that’s who.

Here’s a great song from one of the best Rolling Stones’ albums ever. Enjoy.