If This Blog Was A Baby, Social Services Would Have Taken It By Now.

(Maybe if the father was around, we wouldn’t be in this situation. I blame the system. And Penn State. Because when in doubt, blame Penn State.)

So it’s finally March and I’m hoping that the crippling darkness and cold will pass so I can once again emerge from my cave and rejoin humanity. Although I hope humanity gets hit in the head with a frying pan and gets out of this alternate state wherein they care about stupid shit.

Like the color of a goddamn dress. And 99.9% of what happens on Facebook.

There are more important things going on in the world. (LIKE TWO BLACK PARENTS GIVING BIRTH TO A WHITE BABY!!! WHAT IN THE ABSOLUTE FUCK?!?! If there was any proof of the apocalypse, this would be it.)

19_07_2010 - 19.27.45 - SUN - PSN_9_WHITE_BABY.jpg

Also, someone out there tricked me into seeing child pornography. The kid found my phone number somehow and snapchatted me a picture of his penis. Which begs the question…

DO I SEEM LIKE THE KIND OF PERSON YOU CAN SEND PICTURES OF YOUR DICK TO?!?!?!

(I pray the answer is “no”.)

Especially penises who are under 18. So if any of you jokers out there think you should, be advised: I will kill you. Because I refuse to be an “accidental felon”. If there is any crime to commit, it shall be my own choice. To paraphrase Eleanor Roosevelt, no one can make you a criminal without your consent.

No, no, no. Eminem wags his finger at you.
No, no, no. Eminem wags his finger at you.

In other news, Pennsylvania is an unfortunate place to live. Don’t come here. I totally got shafted trying to VOLUNTEER for Tom Wolf’s inaugural ceremony because I’m not a registered Democrat. I literally wasn’t allowed to volunteer because I’m a Republican. How much bullshit is that?! 

A lot of bullshit. Is the answer to that question.

Plus, I’m buried in homework and almost out of oxygen. Because college is terrible.

But on the bright side, Pennsylvania has finally privatized the sale of liquor and stuff, so now I don’t have to go to the stupid state store which is always closed. And Spring Break starts on the 8th, so I’ll finally have some time to write on here again and possibly clean out my thousands of unread emails.

Anyways, thanks for hanging in there while I viciously neglected you all. Hopefully circumstance doesn’t kill me and I reclaim my life soon. The other night, I got super drunk and bought $40 worth of nail polish and a Wallflowers CD on Amazon. Be careful out there.

The end is near…

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I Call Bullshit, Asher Roth. College Is NOT That Awesome.

(I hate when celebrities make things sound cool that are totally shit. Like college. And dumping a bucket of ice on yourself.)

I start back to school in less than a week, and I think my body is staging an internal revolt. I literally was asleep from Sunday afternoon to yesterday (Tuesday) evening, which either means I’m dying or I have an iron deficiency. Regardless, I don’t wanna go back.

fuckcollege

If you’re familiar with Asher Roth’s song “I Love College”, you’ll probably agree that there is NO POSSIBLE WAY you can have that much fun and still get good grades. It’s funny because I read on Wikipedia that he was going to West Chester (that’s sort of near me) for Elementary Education (I’m Secondary Education and English) and our major is like especially difficult. Pennsylvania really has a boner for education majors, probably because our governor is a douche. (Editor’s Note: We had a different governor in 2014.)

Anyone who actually tries at good grades will tell you Asher Roth is a dickhead, and that’s why I’m calling bullshit on this one.

(Also, why are all these young white rappers from Pennsylvania? Meek Mill, Mac Miller, Asher Roth… seriously. You can look it up.) (Editor’s Note #2: Meek Mill is not white, my apologies.)

On a side note, I really think the whole “Ice Bucket Challenge” thing is nonsense. No offense if you’re into that, but I’d rather just donate the $100 instead of jumping on yet another social media bandwagon and giving myself hypothermia.

(I don’t even have a bucket.)

On the bright side, my friends and family know me enough that I haven’t been “challenged”. They realize I’d kill them if they tried. “How about I come to your house and pour a bucket of dry ice on you?” And I totally would.

Plus, I’m a Catholic, and although I don’t go to church every single Sunday or abstain from premarital sex, I maintain some beliefs. Here’s an interesting article about it.

“Any treatment which claims to save human lives, yet is based upon the destruction of human life in its embryonic state, is logically and morally contradictory…” -St. John Paul II

You can agree or not, I don’t care. I’m not condemning anyone. It’s just my opinion. All I know is that if someone tries to tell me to dump a bucket of ice on myself and videotape it, I’m going to have a fucking fit.

If You Give Heroin To Your Kitten, You Just Might Be The Worst Person Ever.

(But, ya know… there’s Hitler so… I can’t do that math.)

REGARDLESS, FUCCKKK THAT GUY!! He also dragged it behind his car which makes me sad just thinking about it. (You, however, can read about it here.)

I feel like there's some euphemism with bats and heroin... oh well.
I feel like there’s some euphemism with bats and heroin… oh well.

Anyway, the whole thing got me thinking about why no one has been commenting on my posts and I’m like, “Hey guys, uhmm… what’s the big idea?” Maybe I have to come to your houses and make you eat your keyboards.

But no one wants that. Especially me.

Still, this whole blogging thing is confusing. I spent the entire morning trying to create a mailing list and I couldn’t figure out how to get the goddamn plugin on here. I USED TO LITERALLY WRITE WEB DESIGN SCRIPTS. How the fuck am I unable to figure this WordPress shit out?? I might do this one guy‘s skype-seminar thing. I talked to him and he seems cool.

I also need to post more.


I all honesty, I’ve been either drunk or hungover the past few days and it’s hot as shit here in Pennsylvania (where people do sick shit to cats) and I cannot escape the bees. Or the spiders. Seriously, attempting to just go out on my porch for a cig is like going into that cave from “Harry Potter and the”.. whatever it’s called, where all the giant spiders chill and Ron is like “No way, bro,” but stupid Harry Potter isn’t afraid of anything and makes him go in there? Well I’m Ron Weasley (ginger AND a pussy), and I can’t go outside.

"...spiders? Why couldn't it  be 'follow the butterflies?'"
“…spiders? Why couldn’t it be ‘follow the butterflies?'”

That’s life in PA, though. Truck-sized insects, kittens on heroin, shitty sports teams. This might as well be Florida. (No offense, Florida. It’s not you, it’s me.)

However, if anyone out there knows how to get rid of spiders and wasps (some, by the way, that are giant and purple and LIVE IN THE GROUND), please let me know. I’m very close to burning my house down to stop them, which would be bad considering I’m on the top floor of a duplex with 2 other families… so, ya know… time is of the essence here folks. :)

On the bright side, I’ll never be as bad as the guy who gave heroin to a kitten. Or Hitler.


 

UPDATE: Check out this giant web on the streetlight outside my house!!!! That’s only a bit of it!!!

image

Help me!! :(