I Haven’t Showered For A Week Because My Dedication Knows No Bounds

(Yeah, that’s right.  I’m being honest.  Gross, but honest.  Because the truth will set you free.  Free from hygiene and other human beings, perhaps.  Yet sometimes we must get ugly to create something beautiful.)

I gotta say, though, chilling in my own filth isn’t too bad.  It gives me an excuse not to run errands or hang out with my friends and Alessandro hasn’t bothered me for sex while I’m trying to write.  Also, I don’t even smell.  You’re probably thinking, “Yeah right, Alanna.  You probably stink like shit but can’t smell yourself because you’re gross and noseblind.”  But then again….. Idgaf.

it's always sunny the gang broke dee tumblr

The reason I haven’t showered (in case you were wondering) is that I’ve been busy with very important things like banging my head against available walls until words come out, reading a part of my novel in front of other human beings (!), and attempting (unsuccessfully) to take videos of cats having sex outside at night.

(“Kitty Porn”, perhaps.  But the videos are just of blackness and me drunk and laughing in the background which is probably for the best.)

In other news, I had to actually read the words that I wrote out loud and IN FRONT OF ACTUAL PEOPLE.  I opened for Jon Sealy, author of The Whiskey Baron, at my college last month.  In a huge auditorium with about 30 billion people.  (Or like 30.  I’m not Rain Man, with all the counting and stuff.  I was just trying not to throw up.)

I don’t have many pictures, but here’s one I can share with you.  It’s a screenshot from a video my mom took with her phone that neither of us can figure out how to move onto a computer or even Facebook.

Alanna Reading 1
I’m wearing all black because I assumed it’d be a “90’s coffee shop” setting with a guy playing bongos and berets as far as the eye can see.

My piece was incredibly dark and personal because I didn’t know the protocol for reading in public and had no idea so many people would be there (including other students who got front row seats to my crazy).  In the video, you can hear my mom gasping when I swear or say terrible things about self-harm or alcoholism, which is funny but also quite upsetting, and my voice is ridiculous.

They need to develop the technology to make you sound like Patrick Stewart ASAP.  (Meanwhile, NASA is having Scott Kelly take instagram pics of space.  Priorities, people…)

Speaking of priorities and instagram, here is the latest installment of The Chronicles of Diane Kitten.  Truly, there is nothing she can’t do.

Diane Kitten Books Instagram
So well-read and freshly-bathed.  An inspiration to all.

Apologies for the nonsense post, I wrote this at like 3am and am in desperate need of a shower.  Goodbye for now, amigos!  Have a fantastic day and may all your books be wonderful!!!

Feel free to tell a story about the longest you’ve gone without bathing or what you’re reading at the moment.  Perhaps your feelings on gun control or Patrick Stewart?  I wanna hear it alllllllll… <3

Does “Good Friday” Seem Like A Bit Of A Misnomer To You Guys? I Don’t Really Get It.

(I feel like Jesus would probably be all like, “‘Good Friday’?? Maybe you assholes should get nailed to a cross and tell me how ‘good’ it is then. Dicks…”)

So today I’m at my mom’s house and am supposed to be doing laundry but I can’t seem to justify getting off the couch. It’s Good Friday, but not being allowed to eat meat and doing silent prayer for a whole hour isn’t exactly my definition of “good”.

(Then again, I completely forgot it was Lent until a few days ago so I’m not an expert in this area.)

Sometimes I feel like Mac when it comes to religious knowledge.
Sometimes I feel like Mac when it comes to religious knowledge.

Back in the day when I was in elementary and middle school, we used to do this crazy all-day church thing where we’d go through all the stations of the cross and pray the rosary. It was pretty much just a giant clusterfuck of kneeling and standing back up and kneeling down again.

It’s quite like P90x without the techno music in the background.

There was also the slightly disturbing practice in which they’d make the 8th graders act out “The Passion of the Cross”. If you’ve ever seen the Mel Gibson movie, it’s like that except with children. We’d all be assigned parts and the poor slob who was Jesus had to stand in front of the whole church covered in fake blood while the rest of us yelled, “CRUCIFY HIM!!” over and over again. Then he had to carry around this like 50-pound cross for 2 hours as we acted out every single part of the story.

I had this big speech about how we all realized after the fact that we were dicks and shouldn't have let Jesus die.
I wish you could see the others’ faces because their fake sadness is hilarious. You’ll just have to take my word for it.

I had this big speech about how we all realized after the fact that we were dicks and shouldn’t have let Jesus die. I just watched the video my mom took of it, and at this one part the kid who plays Jesus falls over with the giant cross. It’s amazing but I can’t show you for privacy reasons. I’m so very sorry…

So anyways, have a pleasant Good Friday and no matter what you believe, you’re all awesome for reading this. God and/or Kabbalah Monster thanks you for your time.

YOLO Jesus meme

(P.S. Why did everyone stop saying “YOLO”? I miss it.)