I Like Big Beards And I Cannot Lie

(Lately I’ve been on a total crush cruise on dudes with long-ass beards. I’m not sure why, I think the slide into my late twenties is making me somehow even MORE of a horn dog and giving me a primal desire for fur. Other things have been happening too, but this is infinitely more important.)

There’s just something about a full fuzzy beard pressed up against your mouth (or anywhere else on your body for that matter) that gives you a feeling of warmth and happiness.

And not just because it kind of tickles.

Maybe it’s because I love snuggling with stuffed animals and puppies and such. Maybe it’s because my dad shaved his beard off when I was five and it was so shocking I still haven’t recovered. Either way, there’s something about a man with a beard that says, “Yeah I can build you a fire and help you assemble that IKEA furniture. But I can also bathe you in my facial hair and give you the time of your life. Take my hand and we’ll go have a sensual shower under a waterfall, after which we’ll eat lunch at Chipotle and cruise around in my Honda. You won’t be disappointed.”

I’m inclined to believe him. 

His beard tells me he knows what he’s talking about, and he knows where to get the best local barbecue and craft beer. After you, my Viking prince.

 

On a side note, I have also been on two episodes of Eric from Opticynicism‘s podcast, Brick Wit House. Check them out here and go support Eric and Leo. They’re cool guys and Eric also has a really nice beard now.

Ep 10 – The Overdue Holiday Episode

Ep 21 – Giggle In A Gas Mask

Go listen to their podcast (it’s lit fam) and also go watch this video I made because I’m lame and am moving to YouTube now. SUBSCRIBE TO ME, FRIENDS!!!! (Or don’t. I only am vlogging right now so my stuff is pretty boring. Idk, y’all decide, I’ll still love you no matter what.)

RITA’S MUKBANG WITH BOYFRIEND | APRIL 10th VLOG

(P.S. This was my first vlog and I just got my MacBook today so I’ll be uploading a whole bunch more in the next couple days. It starts poorly but just hang in there.)

This is me with a Snapchat filter but I still think it’s pretty hot.
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I Like Pina Coladas And Pretending To Be Sane

(Jimmy Buffett & Rupert Holmes knew what they were talking about.  I just figured out how to make mixed drinks with my NutriBullet so I think it’s safe to say I’m getting my life together.)

Hello, my darlings.  It’s been a long time.  I’ve longed to feel your sweet caress against my parietal lobe.  Or whatever part of your brain can see blog notifications.  Once again, the world has taken me hostage with homework (avoiding it), bleakness on the news, and the fact that I JUST discovered “vlogging”.

It’s blogging, but with videos.  (Otherwise known as crack.)

Ghost Hunting Shane Dawson Psychic Twins Youtube Vlog
Shane Dawson is currently my favorite, as well as anything with ghosts.

Supposedly, vlogging has been around for over a decade but as far as I’m concerned, it’s the new hip thang yo.  Sure, I used Youtube for listening to music, but I had absolutely no idea there was so much awesome stuff out there.

Ghost hunters, conspiracy theory videos (my long lost love), and people reacting to things… it’s like I was in an internet-coma and finally woke up.  It’s actually making me consider making my own “vlog” but I’m not totally sure how to do that and I don’t know if anybody would bother watching because my life is terribly boring.

I could vlog about the ghosts in my attic?  Although they’re not too talkative these days.  My hope is that they’ve moved on to heaven or whatever but it’s more likely they’ve decided to haunt more interesting/less-talkative type people.

(Perhaps my Burmese nextdoor neighbors?  A nice spooking with the added benefit of being introduced to a different and fascinating culture.  Good for you, ghosts.  Eat, Pray, Love and all that.)

real ghost gif sheet lol

The other reason I’ve been absent is because school.  It’s trying to kill me but I remain strong.  Plus I’ve been getting involved with people and things which is completely out of character for me.

For example, one night I had rum and pina colada mix and my Nutribullet was like, “Hey there pretty lady, ya know you can add those ingredients to me with ice and have a party,” and I was like, “OMG WHY HAVEN’T I THOUGHT OF THIS BEFORE?!?!?!”  And my Nutribullet said, “Because you’re not the sharpest blade in the blender,” and I was like, “Good one, Nutribullet.”  So I took the advice of a household appliance and got pretty tipsy on some delicious iced cocktails.

Then I was all pissed cause Alessandro was watching Fox News and the world is getting on my nerves with political nonsense so I thought to myself (out loud), “Why don’t I write a letter to people and tell them to shut up because they’re being annoying?” and Alessandro was like, “You should do that,” but I wasn’t talking to him so I said, “I wasn’t talking to you,” and set to work on writing a rum-and-stupidity-fueled piece to Thought Catalog (which I had no idea that they’d publish because I mean come on, but they did).

Alanna Open Letter To Millennials Thought Catalog

Anyways, I made the mistake of assuming nobody in my real life pays attention to me or what I do on social media so I posted the link on my actual Facebook page.  Somehow, people saw it and then started seeing links to my blog and my instagram and twitter for my blog, and now everyone(ish) I’ve ever known since high school found me and is following my stuff.

“Why is that bad?” you might ask.  Well, if you’ve been following me or know my writing even a little bit, you know my candor vis-a-vis the people I know in real life and how I say terrible things about them as well as revealing many secrets about myself.  So whether it’s libel or slander or just being a dick (because what I say is true so technically it’s not libellous), I’m gonna piss a lot of people off.

Have you guys ever posted something you’ve later come to regret?  Or have stories of family and friends kill you for what you write?

Tell me about it in the comments.  Or come to my house and chat because that’s how easy it is to find me now.