I Haven’t Showered For A Week Because My Dedication Knows No Bounds

(Yeah, that’s right.  I’m being honest.  Gross, but honest.  Because the truth will set you free.  Free from hygiene and other human beings, perhaps.  Yet sometimes we must get ugly to create something beautiful.)

I gotta say, though, chilling in my own filth isn’t too bad.  It gives me an excuse not to run errands or hang out with my friends and Alessandro hasn’t bothered me for sex while I’m trying to write.  Also, I don’t even smell.  You’re probably thinking, “Yeah right, Alanna.  You probably stink like shit but can’t smell yourself because you’re gross and noseblind.”  But then again….. Idgaf.

it's always sunny the gang broke dee tumblr
yolo.

The reason I haven’t showered (in case you were wondering) is that I’ve been busy with very important things like banging my head against available walls until words come out, reading a part of my novel in front of other human beings (!), and attempting (unsuccessfully) to take videos of cats having sex outside at night.

(“Kitty Porn”, perhaps.  But the videos are just of blackness and me drunk and laughing in the background which is probably for the best.)

In other news, I had to actually read the words that I wrote out loud and IN FRONT OF ACTUAL PEOPLE.  I opened for Jon Sealy, author of The Whiskey Baron, at my college last month.  In a huge auditorium with about 30 billion people.  (Or like 30.  I’m not Rain Man, with all the counting and stuff.  I was just trying not to throw up.)

I don’t have many pictures, but here’s one I can share with you.  It’s a screenshot from a video my mom took with her phone that neither of us can figure out how to move onto a computer or even Facebook.

Alanna Reading 1
I’m wearing all black because I assumed it’d be a “90’s coffee shop” setting with a guy playing bongos and berets as far as the eye can see.

My piece was incredibly dark and personal because I didn’t know the protocol for reading in public and had no idea so many people would be there (including other students who got front row seats to my crazy).  In the video, you can hear my mom gasping when I swear or say terrible things about self-harm or alcoholism, which is funny but also quite upsetting, and my voice is ridiculous.

They need to develop the technology to make you sound like Patrick Stewart ASAP.  (Meanwhile, NASA is having Scott Kelly take instagram pics of space.  Priorities, people…)


Speaking of priorities and instagram, here is the latest installment of The Chronicles of Diane Kitten.  Truly, there is nothing she can’t do.

Diane Kitten Books Instagram
So well-read and freshly-bathed.  An inspiration to all.

Apologies for the nonsense post, I wrote this at like 3am and am in desperate need of a shower.  Goodbye for now, amigos!  Have a fantastic day and may all your books be wonderful!!!

Feel free to tell a story about the longest you’ve gone without bathing or what you’re reading at the moment.  Perhaps your feelings on gun control or Patrick Stewart?  I wanna hear it alllllllll… <3

Advertisements

Writing Is Hard.

Good morning, everybody. It’s 3:00am right now, but you probably won’t see this until later because I scheduled it for 8:00am. I’ve been up all night trying to write, but I have lost the ability to do so and should probably quit while I’m ahead.

Maybe become an accountant or someone who sells houses. A “something agent“. See how worthless my brain is right now?? I can’t even think of the term for those people.

(And I’m not about to look it up all, “What’s the term for someone who sells houses?” because Google will think I’m stupid and be like, “Seriously, Alanna?? You had to look this up?????” Since Google is very judgemental.)

I tried to ask Alessandro for feedback, but as usual, he is no help at all.

Conversation between Alex and I after I read him an edited version of my story:

ME: What’d you like about my story?

ALESSANDRO: It was reminiscent.

ME: What do you mean, “reminiscent”?

ALESSANDRO: I mean I was there. I remember when you changed those words to some other words.

ME: Well what do you think of the like, actual writing?

ALESSANDRO: …Nostalgic.

(Do you see what I have to deal with?)

Anyways, have a lovely day, everybody. And good luck on all your writing adventures. Because sometimes we just can’t find the words.

Hunter Thompson shoots typewriter