Everybody Loves Comedy And Free Shit. Get Yours Here!

(Seriously, folks. Tell your friends. Get hyped. There are gift cards at stake!!)

Okay, so in honor of next week’s first official Funny Blog Friday #FBF (which you can read about here), I’m hosting a little competition. Basically, you can submit a great post to me, new or old, that I will post on my blog next Friday (October 31st) when there will be a lot of traffic.

(We’re pretty much starting a social media movement. Like Live Aid but better.)

My favorite submissions will be posted here and the best post will be featured and that person will get a $25 gift card to their choice of these establishments. (Only because they’re the only gift cards on Amazon that can be delivered virtually.) Then, next Friday, there will also be a lottery for another gift card for anyone who comments on my post that day. Even if it’s just, “I wanna be in the prize pool. Peace out.” Or even, “Blughkfaekaaeecxg.” The sky is the limit. 

Although you must comment on MY post on MY site. The other participants are also doing giveaways so I won’t be able to see if you post elsewhere. If you don’t have a blog, you can email me that day and still be included.

Now to the contest at hand…

Pick/write your favorite post that you think the world needs to see and email it to me. This part is crucial. YOU MUST EMAIL ME. You can also include a description of your blog and a bit about yourself in the post and/or email. Remember to sign your name and a link to your blog so people can find you. You can use pictures, videos, whatever. I will not edit your post at all, so you have to proofread it yourself, and you can be confident that I won’t add anything to your beautiful work. HOWEVER, I’m all about free speech, but I WILL NOT POST AND RACIST, HOMOPHOBIC, SEXIST, OR ANY TRULY OFFENSIVE STUFF. Leave that noise on your own blog. I just won’t allow it on mine. Your post can be about anything at all (other than the aforementioned “-isms”), so go crazy. If you have any questions, you can totally email me or comment on any of my posts. You should add my email to your contacts list so it doesn’t get spammed.

MY EMAIL: alannabelike@gmail.com

A L A N N A B E L I K E @ G M A I L (dot) C O M

If for whatever reason you can’t email me there, leave me a comment and I’ll get back to you.

Here’s the list of gift card places to choose from in case you can’t see the above link:

Aeropostale
AMC Theatres
American Eagle
Applebee’s
Aurelio’s Pizza
Bass Pro Shops
Beaches Restaurant & Bar
Black Angus
Border
Boudreaux’s Cajun Kitchen
Brinker
Buca di Beppo
Buffalo Wild Wings
California Pizza Kitchen
Cattleman’s Roadhouse
Chili’s Grill & Bar
Cold Stone Creamery
Cracker Barrel
Dickey’s Barbecue
Dilly’s Deli
Domino’s Pizza
Express
Forever 21
Ghirardelli
Gordmans
Grinders Above & Beyond
IHOP
K&W Cafeterias
La Madeleine
Legal Sea Foods
Logan’s Roadhouse
Macaroni Grill
Maggiano’s
Monkey Burger
Mr. Chicken
OfficeMax
PacSun
Panda Express
Papa John’s Pizza
Petco
Red Robin
Sephora
Si Senor
Spafinder Wellness 365
Sports Authority
Sur La Table
Texas De Brazil
Texas Roadhouse
The Cheesecake Factory
The Container Store
Uncle Julio’s

So get writing, people! $25 is on the line!!

(Contest ends by Thursday at 11:59pm Eastern Time. But probably more like 2:00 or 3:00am Friday because I’ll be handing out candy and drinking.)

I Write Other Stuff, Too.

(I tried to make a page for it, but I don’t know how to post stuff there yet. Here’s the link.)

Anyway, here’s an abcdarian (that means every line starts with a letter of the alphabet that follows) poem that I wrote last year. Enjoy.

And thus, the Lord spoke to me from an open
Bottle of Jack Daniel’s: “I am the Lord your God,
Creator of all things—including the alcohol you currently
Drink.” Indeed, one could say I was drunk. But who would try to make such a claim?
Even Jesus wouldn’t drudge up such an issue with me—we’ve had our problems.
For I was only as drunk as a harmonica sings softly from the
Ganges, where one probably wouldn’t hear
Harmonicas. Unless Indians have harmonicas. Which I doubt because
Indian instruments are uncommon to me. Although just because
Justice lies in the bottoms of peaches or maybe their pits,
Keyboards never sound as grand as pianos. While I’m
Lying about loitering down by the liquor store; it sounds like truth to
Me. Maybe I won’t escape alcoholism that runs through my family name like
Nuns running to stop a virgin from a deflowering defamation.
Only God can judge you.
Polonius said, “This above all: to thine own self be true.” Yet Hamlet still
Questions why his father couldn’t go out like Caesar, killed by an honorable,
Righteous man, right? The righteous man will inherit
Something, although I can’t recall the psalms or beatitudes.
Thus says the Lord:
“Until you know why, you’ll never know how.” I made that up. Like how
Virgins get pregnant. Or how Walt Whitman
Weaves together words like water turns to wine. No need for
X-rays. It’s already established I’ve got no spine. Soon no Liver to live. Why ask why I’m
Yellow? From too much booze. Good times turn sour with drinks made of sours. I believe in the
Zodiac, which supposedly makes me crazy. In all fairness, I’m a Libra.

And So Begins The Learning. Beware.

(“Sir, I am too old to learn.” Said Kent in William Shakespeare’s King Lear. I am inclined to agree.)

Of course, today was excruciatingly hot outside. Perfect conditions for classroom swamp-ass. All the freshmen were hopping around in excitement, unaware that the next 4 years of their lives will be shitty.

On the bright side, we got new planners for this year that feature pictures of the student body (weird, but whatever) and I am totally in there! It’s hilarious!

You can barely see me and it's on the very last page but still... SUCCESS!!
You can barely see me and it’s on the very last page but still… SUCCESS!!

In sophomore year, the housing people got confused and put me in the freshmen dorms. It was really fun because they were so cute at first and looked up to me like I was their queen. There were a lot of kids from India and they would call my name (“Ah-lah-na!”) and it would instantly bring a smile to my face. The only bad thing was when I rejected the advances of my R.A., he got all weird and accused me of keying and kicking his car.

(As though I EVER owned a pair of Vans sneakers… how rude.)

Although I did in fact draw a penis on his official R.A. picture on the first day there, but he didn’t even notice until like a month into school. Then when he replaced it with another one, I drew two penises. Haha :P

This is only a recreation of the original, but you get the point. My penis-drawing skills are wanting.
This is only a recreation of the original, but you get the point.

It was a good year. I met the love of my life that year ([my boyfriend]), and had a great group of friends who could’ve made up the cast of a multi-cam sitcom. Then a couple of them joined a fraternity (ughh), and some others left our campus or graduated. Now I’m in my “senior year” (I put that in quotes because I’ll definitely be making up credits for the rest of my life), and I’d like to share some quotes about college as well as some general wisdom:

1. “I imagine that one of the biggest troubles with colleges is there are too many distractions, too much panty-raiding, fraternities, and boola-boola and all of that.” -Malcom X

So true. Fraternities are evil and partying is the reason I do great on tests/papers but have bad grades because I’m too hungover to show up. I can’t say I do this myself, but the successful kids are able to prioritize and keep self-discipline.

2. “You can’t learn to write in college. It’s a very bad place for writers because the teachers always think they know more than you do—and they don’t.” -Ray Bradbury

Also very true. But sometimes not. Sometimes, the teachers do know more than you do. That can mean one of two things: either you’re still learning and developing your voice/style, or you’re just a bad writer. If the latter is true, I’m sorry. Maybe you can write textbooks or for your local newspaper. However, if you’re counted among the former, don’t listen to people who tell you you’re shit or give you bad grades. Sometimes you have to write the bullshit that your professor will like rather than what is actually good. I had a class last year where the teacher knocked off points for happy fucking endings. (?) It’s all nonsense.

3. “I’m a man of leisure. That’s because I have an English degree and can’t get a job.” -Jarod Kintz

It sounds stupid, but despite the current job market, just pick a major you’re going to enjoy. I probably should have been pre-law, but I also would have jumped off a building by now. Even though I’m a slacker, I enjoy my classes. It makes college a million times easier.

4. “I mean that they (students) should not play life, or study it merely, while the community supports them at this expensive game, but earnestly live it from beginning to end. How could youths better learn to live than by at once trying the experiment of living? Methinks this would exercise their minds as much as mathematics.” -Henry David Thoreau

Oh, hey, that’d be great, Thoreau! Unfortunately we live in the real world and chilling on a pond for a while (and going home to mommy every weekend, by the way, which he totally did) doesn’t put a degree in your hand. Even though college sucks, it’s good for you. Like going to church or eating your vegetables. But if you do go to college, still live your life. It often feels like you’re in a waiting room filled with drunk children for 4 years, but if you step outside, take a walk, and remember this is still your life, things won’t be so bad.

5. “In your temporary failure there is no evidence that you may not yet be a better scholar, and a more successful man in the great struggle of life, than many others, who have entered college more easily.” -Abraham Lincoln

Just because you didn’t get into a top school (or even a university) or you’re having trouble with classes or WHATEVER, doesn’t mean you’re stupid. You rock. You’re smart. Fuck the admissions people and your professor who thinks Nietzsche is the only philosopher worth paying attention to and gave you a “D” on your paper glorifying Aristotle. Dumbasses get into Harvard and geniuses have gone to community college. As long as you try, that’s all that matters.

6. “Thought and knowledge are natures in which apparatus and pretension avail nothing. Gowns, and pecuniary foundations, though of towns of gold, can never countervail the least sentence or syllable of wit. Forget this, and out American colleges will recede in their public importance whilst they grow richer every year.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Again, it doesn’t matter where you go. An education is an education, and all the fanfare of major colleges is bullshit. The only thing that matters is your own thirst for knowledge and how you choose to implement the information you’re receiving. College is supposed to breed curiosity, not pageantry.

Well, that’s all I have to say on the matter. A lot of the quotes I found were stupid or redundant, so this is what I have. Make all the mistakes, drink all the beer, have as much (safe) sex as you can. Enjoy that shit.

Also, I started a store on Zazzle, so check it out. I’ve only made like 2 things so far but you can customize your own merchandise and create your own store for free! it’s mad cool.

Adios, for now. Love y’all. :)

Snapshot_20120512_9

I’ve Shown You Mine… Let’s See Yours.

Oh…well hello there. I didn’t see you come in. Since you’re here, allow me to introduce myself:

 

This is an excellent example of what I assume "White Girls Be Like". (Note: duckface, headphones, laptop cam)
This is an excellent example of what I assume “White Girls Be Like”. (Note: duckface, headphones, laptop cam, etc.)

^^That’s me^^

My name is Alanna [LastNameRedacted] for legal reasons, obviously. I am currently 21 years old and studying English at Penn State University. Not the real one, though, with football, Jerry Sandusky, and lions roaming around terrorizing the halls (which is probably true). No, just one of the small satellite campuses where kids go because they couldn’t get into the real one. Mine is located in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania and used to be a military base/fallout shelter because of the close proximity to a nuclear power plant. Also an international airport.

(Talk about asking for a terrorist attack.)

(Or possibly lion terrorists. Which definitely roam the halls of Penn State.)

 

I’m blogging here because I’ve always dreamed of being a writer, but publishing companies aren’t chomping at the bit to pick up an inexperienced writer with no ideas and like, 15 years of journals. I am also blogging because Jenny Lawson (a.k.a. The Bloggess) said she could see me blogging.

Maybe she’s psychic and literally saw me blogging in her mind or possibly a crystal ball.

 

I suppose my domain name (whitegirlsbelike) is correct (because I AM in fact a white girl, and I DO be like…etc.), but please note that this blog is for all races and I just suck at coming up with titles and such. However, this blog will pretty much be about my life and thoughts and that stuff.

The only problem is that I generally have a “Not Safe For Work” approach to my life, and I hope my parents don’t see this. (If you know them, please don’t tell them. Thank you.) I’m not gonna be all “diary-style”, but much of my anecdotal repertoire features major themes such as drugs, alcohol, sex (kind of), and various other criminal activities.

You’ve been warned.

Beware of bat attacks. And lion terrorists.
Beware of bat attacks. And lion terrorists.

 

Sooo anywaysss…..

Now that you all know me, we can be best friends.

Yayy! :)

 

Also, you can comment here and tell me all your deepest, darkest, most incredible secrets. For example, I’ve been stuck in traffic while having to pee really bad on multiple occasions without something to pee in, so I’ve peed my pants IN MY CAR approximately 3 times. Perhaps four?

So what are YOUR secrets? Or thoughts? Maybe you were conceived in a dumpster? Or possibly you’ve murdered your entire family? Let me know!! I don’t judge, I promise.

 

Adios, amigos! Have an excellent rest of the day!